I sort of just have to come out and say something.
It might not be pretty, you might not agree with it, and you might not like it, but it needs to be said before I write anything else. If it softens the blow, at least know that I feel like a total knob about it (that’s a lie…I feel awesome), and I’m consumed with guilt knowing that something that a ton of people are dying for just fell on my lap (some guilt…but mostly happy explosions of unicorns).
Right. So. On the way home from a road trip with my mom, just after she tried to make me wear her sequined, orange shawl to avoid getting a sunburn through the car window and upon my refusal shouted: “…not gay enough, more like!”, and just before I spent the next four days pacing back and forth in a house all to myself, I got an email.
An email from a literary agent.
An email from a literary agent in New York.
An email from a literary agent in New York who wants to work with me on a book.
Ahem.
I don’t know what your first reactions are like right now but I can tell you that mine were something along the lines of the following:
1. I’M GOING TO GET TO DATE JAKE GYLLENHAAL!
2. OH SHIT SO MANY BLOGGERS ARE GOING TO HATE ME!
3. OH SHIT I’D HATE IF THIS HAPPENED TO ANYONE BUT ME!
4. OH MY GOD THE NERVOUS POOPS!
5. NO BUT SERIOUSLY JAKE GYLLENHAAL?
Yes. It’s true. A real live professional overlooked all my flaws (as if I have any…), saw a glimpse of potential (dumbstruck by my modelesque appearance and flexible morals, no doubt), and asked if I might be interested (ummmmmmmmmmmFUCKYES) in working with her team to come up with something amazing. That is, my dream of maybe potentially perhaps becoming an author someday that I’ve had since I was five might just actually stand a chance at coming true – unlike my dream of becoming a Detective who was also a dog.
It’s not a book deal, there are no promises, and there are still about 3598155 ways that I can screw this up, but it’s a glimmer of hope that’s about to send me on the craziest ride of my life. Aside from that, you just need to know that this agency also represents 50 Cent, Eminem, the guy who had Pluto delisted as a planet, and Lance Bass.
Guess which end of the spectrum I’m on.
In closing, I will take a handful of questions before retiring to a truffle oil bath administered by the entire Spanish World Cup team, each wearing naughty football uniforms made of edible gold – a.k.a. what my life will soon be like assuming that my book will be as widely sold as The Bible which it totally will and don’t you dare try to tell me that it won’t:
- Are you going to be famous? Undoubtedly.
- Will you remember the little people? Most certainly not. I’ll be doing too much coke.
- Can you give me your agent’s contact info? Um. Can you let me dupe her into working on MY book first?.
- How do you go about writing a book? Don’t worry, my ghostwriter will handle it.
- What kind of book will you write? An awesome one that you will love.
- What’s your favourite colour? Stop wasting my time. I’m busy.
Hello boys….
{ 131 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG, that is like THE MOST EXCITING NEWS EVA/EVER!!
Yay for you and your celebrity self!
Will you be auctioning off your signature on pieces of scrap paper to us little people before you make it famous in the footsteps of …. *think of someone young and literary*… John Grisham??? *Couldn’t think of anyone young and literary. That must mean that there’s room for you!!!*
You totally deserve this!
I will be auctioning off everything I’ve ever touched in my life. Don’t you worry.
And thanks, I really appreciate that
I’m so pleased for you! I know I haven’t commented properly yet but I know your blog readers won’t hate you because it gives us all hope that it is possible to do what you want
and also u deserve it, but please don’t forget about us and stop blogging?
I promise to not stop blogging and I also promise to not let this become a BUY MY BOOK blog. Promise Promise Promise.
Also just so u know I feel genuinely excited for you and this post made me smile heaps
Thank you so much! I’ll make you proud
I have about a million questions for you. So next time I see you prepare to be accosted. Like that word, Mr. Author? ACCOSTED.
Seriously, such awesome news, and I’m really happy for you
We’ll talk. And stop trying to insert YOUR words into MY book.
(I’m totally using accosted.)
I’m so happy for you that I almost don’t want to kill you and wear your skin and impersonate you and write the book and take your millions and – yes – if I had to I would even date Jake Gyllenhaal just to keep up the illusion.
You can wear my skin as long as you seal the deal with Jake and tell everyone that I slept with him before I was found skinned and dead and stuff.
That is so exciting! (I am so jealous, by the way) And OMG, the NERVOUS POOPS!!! Congrats, and I wish you luck, though you probably don’t need any at all. : )
Maybe just some immodium will do.
YAY!!!!!! Congratulations! I can’t WAIT to see you and Jake in the trash mags!!!!!
Me! Neither!
!!!!!
Wow Ben that is SO great! Esp since they contacted you – like they heard about you, which means your name is out there floating around on the lips of some really cool people! How awesome is that?! Your blog is hilarious though so I’m not surprised – it was only a matter of time before you got an offer to go global.
It sounds like I got pretty lucky…my contact just stumbled across my blog out of the blue.
I KNEW ADDING YOUR BLOG TO MY RSS READER WOULD PAY OFF ONE DAY!
I’m assuming the rich and famous forget naught the fans that pushed you to this! Don’t get me an iPad, I already have one, but I don’t mind the reception problems of the iPhone 4!
Congrats buddy!
(My comment was so BEN)
Hahahahaha you’re so right. From what I hear, authors don’t get rich and famous anymore but I’m still holding onto that dream.
Congrats! I just sent you an email about yachts, celebrities and you and I becoming brothers.
I agree on all points.
BLOOD BROTHERS.
No wait. I don’t like pain or blood.
Whoop whoop! Way to go Ben! My face is actually sore from smiling for you! It’s about time the world was given a chance to meet the clever, sexy, uber-talented, Ben Boudreau! I expect a signed first edition. Give a shout out to Em and 50 for me!
Well duh. I’ll even add a special headshot for you!
You have no idea who the fuck I am, but how about some crazed stalker who now reads your blog religiously? Kidding! Sorta. I found your blog through another blog from a follower on Twitter who I found through another blog… got that? You made me laugh so I decided to stick around awhile. Just wanted to say congratulations! Oh, and I love your dogs.
I love crazed stalkers!! Thanks and I’ll pass it along to the wieners.
So very cool and I’m so very jealous. I keep waiting for something like that to happen to me, but being the skeptic that I am, would roll my eyes and miss the opportunity. Best of luck!
You never know apparently! I nearly drove off the road.
YAY!!
I’m more of a blog lurker than commenter but I realized the other day that my giant blog addition began way back when I started reading the blog of one Ben Boudreau. You, sir, are an inspiration. Congrats!!
Thank you so much and so sorry for dragging you into the overwhelming world of blog reading.
Can’t wait til this gets moving along more for you!
You better remember the little people….we need someone to get the good coke for us.
Hahaha let’s plot how my empire will crumble cause of my drug trafficking before it even starts.
Congrats Ben! This is well-deserved!
Thanks Jenn – you were there to see the beginning so you know how crazy it is for me to be at this point now, hey?
About time someone wised up and got started on this endeavor. Make sure and take copious mental notes on Jack Gyllenhaal so you can describe his every feature in detail for the rest of us.
Clearly this will result in epic fan fiction.
OMG, I am so jealous. I am thinking of killing you and then wearing your skin because your life is so awesome right now .Not that i could get away with it, i mean someone is going to notice i don’t have a penis.
Also congrats, you’re one of the funniest bloggers ever. It’s totally well-deserved. I expect Theo and Calvin want their own handlers now.
Thanks yo. Hopefully this will someday mean a full-time writing gig where I can be their full time handler in the off hours.
Awesome news Ben! I’m so happy for you. I will totally buy your book, you’re a great writer.
I’ll hold you to that…
So, so, soooo beyond excited for you. Like really really. Eeeeeee.
I’m also EEEEEE excited!!
Congrats Ben! You had this coming in the best way, and like I said, as long as all of this comes back to Theo and Calvin and maybe a little bit to Adley and Radish, you’re golden!
I’m committed to the dachshunds – don’t you worry!
About friggin’ time.
No really, that was my reaction. You deserve this and I’m not a bit jealous.
(I reserve the right to reinstate my jealousy–and maybe hate you a little–if you actually get to make out with Jake Gyllenhaal.)
I acknowledge the potential for jealousy in this situation and own it.
While I will admit that I’m envious since you’re basically living every blogger’s wet dream, I am so happy for you and can’t wait to read your book!
Thanks Amy!
Still just as excited for you now as I was when I saw it on twitter last week.
I suppose it’s only fair that you’ll be doing coke instead of remembering all of us
Seriously though, so happy for you. We (as in 20 something bloggers) will drive the book sales up first day on the market, I’m sure of it!
(I’m also kicking myself for not getting to meet you in Vegas because what if that was my only chance since you’re going to be famous and will not have time for bloggy meet-ups and etc!)
I’ll need you guys to clearly make me not look like a failure
Hopefully this means I’ll be able to travel around and meet MORE of you some day!
That is so awesome, and I’m so happy for you! I can’t wait to read your book. And I only hate you a little.
That’s fair!
are there haters? for real? because I think it’s awesome news and I’m really happy for you. the haters can go fuck themselves. yeah, that’s my literary contribution.
YES! TEAM CANADA! TEAM CANADA!
That’s rad! Congrats! I hope your book outsells the bible… or at least that numbnuts Sarah Palins book.
Oh jeez…surely I can do at least THAT.
Congrats!! I can’t wait to read it!
Me neither haha
That is awesome. I am so happy for you. I think you should still enter the gay of the year contest in Montreal. Who knows another publisher might pick you up. While you are at it could you also sleep with Alexander Skarsgaard and let me know how does goes?
I could really get behind the Alexander idea. Or in front of. You know…I’d be down for whatever.
That is the best news EVER! Congrats – wait the best news is that this is Jake writing this!
Thank you!
I’m huge time jealous. Sounds like it’s going to be a super funsies project. Congratulations and good luck!
It had better be super funsies otherwise I’m making all of you suffer with me.
Wow! That’s really great news, Ben. Congratulations!
REALLY great news! Thanks
OMG Ben, a million bajillion congratulations! I can’t wait to read your creative genious and hold it in my actual hands.
Love, one of the little people.
It will be a crazy, crazy day when I finally have a published book in my hands.
As long as the dedication says something like “This could not have been possible without Emily” then I totally won’t hate you.
We’ll see. How many copies would you buy? Let’s talk numbers.
O::M::G::
are you shitting me?? THAT is MY dream since i’ve been old enuf to read and write something in English. no.. no.. i can’t give that honor to you.. no.. no.. no.. yes.. yes.. it can be all yours.. i may hate you but whatever.. if it’s going to happen someone some day, i’d much prefer it’d be you Ben! this is one so exciting news and i can’t literally wait to see how you’ll end up with. wow!!
wait a sec… god damn it! i can’t hate you! i can just be a smiley face for you instead.. i’m pretty sure you’re gonna rock it all.. i’m mostly curious about what the title will be like..
good luck with it man..
one of those little people (exclamation point)
I’ll take that smiley face with pride!!
then i can’t let your pride fall down.. so be it
If anyone could pull off something this awesome, it’s you!
That means a lot – thanks for the support!
We already did this, but here’s another round of gaga mirror stabbing jealousy love.
Walk it off.
Like Gaga.
I’m in a constant state of anticipation when it comes to an updated blog post, so this will take it to another level entirely. I have never (and will never) read the Bible, but I’ll be first in line for your work! Can’t wait. Congrats
Aww thank you so much!
That’s brilliantly exciting!
I’m sure we’re all a fuckton of jealous, but at least it happened to someone so worthy of a bit of good news. x
‘fuckton’ is my new favourite word and will be ripped off in the book. Promise.
holy awesome. congratulations. your blog really rocks my socks off, so this is not surprising.
I’ve been a lil surprised…
I’m glad that you will cast aside the little people. Join me at the top, good sir. It has been quite lonely up here, staring down on these lesser mortals.
It’s so hard to be us…
when you get famous i’m totally auctioning off that bucket that you almost puked in.
on a (more) serious note, you already know that i think no one deserves this more than you.
(except maybe me.)
just kidding. i love you.
Too bad I didn’t ACTUALLY puke it in cause you’d probably get more for it.
I better get a signed copy, freaking CONGRATS!!
Also, coming to halifax in a month and staying for an indefinite amount of time. We should out before you become too cool for school.
Indefinite amount of time. That’s big! See you soon…
Awesome news…you are the shit! Here’s to some page-turning hilarity. I’m already anticipating the reviews.
Thank you so much! I’m going to be a nervous wreck should I ever make it to the point of getting reviewed.
Um, that’s all kinds of amazing and incrediblocity. If the literary agent is also looking for metrosexual Americans to pair you with for fake Cosmos, I think you know who to call.*
* Ghostbusters, but that’s neither here nor there.
Congratulations, man. No matter if it works out or not, just being spotted in the first place is a nice accolade.
Clearly I will be looking out for ways to share this success with everyone who helped me get it. My agent has her work cut out for her.
Ben,
So stoked for you.
Your writing make me cry with laughter and I know you book will do the same.
Little Meercat!!
(as some might call you.)
Thanks and I promise to keep making you cry one way or another. Possibly by pulling out nosehairs.
I love that you’re going to have to change your “call my agent” page
Thought about that….it’s clearly going to be an issue.
Congratulations!!!!!!!!
Thank you for each and every one of those exclamation marks!
That’s fantastic and well deserved!!
I think it’s pretty fantastic too. Thank you!
OMG-You are pretty much a big deal, this is awesome!!!
Getting bigger every day! In a deal sense I mean. Hopefully.
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