The other day while the newf was out educating the leaders of tomorrow, I counted how many pairs of underwear he had. And before you go asking why one might feel the need to do such a thing, you need to understand that it’s winter up here in Canada and that means getting creative about filling all the time you spend indoors hating the world. Also, it’s been a full year since I started working from home without coworkers – I’ll be the first to admit that I’m getting weird.
Regardless of my motives, you’ll be glad I did because the results were STAGGERING. But before we get into the details that I’m sure are going to get me involved in some sort of family meeting about boundaries, it’s important that you know a couple of things:
- The newf, despite how he tends to dance in our kitchen, is not an erotic dancer that might need a full wardrobe of varied and often themed undergarments.
- There are no fetishes in our home to speak of that might give rise to a uncharacteristically large quantity of manties spread taking up three drawers.
- We’re gay so take any assumptions of $10 five-packs of Hanes and toss em out the window. I saw more labels in that dresser than there were in The September Issue.
Y’all ain’t ready…
It may not look like much…but that’s because you didn’t get to experience the happy task of trying to force those two drawers back into the dresser as the force of 100 pairs of underwear work against you.
That’s right – 100!! Enough to open up one’s own used underwear shop (I didn’t say it was a great idea)! Or outfit one third of the Spartans for their sexy wartime panty games! And if being able to dress a sizeable army of six-packed warriors with five minutes notice wasn’t shocking enough for you, let’s talk economics. Or finance. Or maybe just simple math…once numbers get involved, I pretty much just close my eyes and wait for it all to pass:
One pair of Ginch Gonch: $20-30
One pair of Dolce & Gabbana: $30-35
One pair of Calvin Klein: $15-20
One pair of random granny panty boxers often worn with fleecy sweatpants pulled up to his nipples because it, “feels like someone’s hugging my butt”: $8-12
Average cost per pair as arbitrarily chosen by me: $22.50
Approximate household holdings in Underwear Capital: $2,250
With that amount of money, we could pay an underwear model to come stand around the house in his skivvies for our next dinner party. And we wouldn’t even have to settle for a flat-stomach – we could afford the whole six, eight, or however many abs people are supposed to have these days.
Just in case anyone cares, I blame Ryan Reynold’s eight-foot torso for the arms race happening between Ideal Abdominals and Shaving Razors. I, too, could have fourteen abs if only I had the torso real estate. And if I stopped eating and drinking until the end of time. And if I occasionally made even the slightest effort to use even just a single muscle.
In other news, I don’t really have any way to end this post besides perhaps mentioning that Yelp sent me a onesie pajama set for Christmas and I’ve been wearing it under all my clothes pretty much nonstop.
So, compared to the newf’s 100 pairs of underwear, am I the 1%, the 99%, or just the ‘needs to do laundry more often’ %?
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes, that may be a significant chunk of change to invest in crotchcovers. BUT, should you fall on hard times (Gaga forbid), think of the money that could be made by selling those puppies to the fairly large community of creepy underwear-buyers online! Don’t even need to wash ‘em first!
Well then I suppose this whole post has really just been about homosexual financial planning! I will be the Suze Orman of underwear!
Uh, I’d like to be on the guest list for any future dinner parties with male models in attendance. Gawking WILL happen.
DUH.
Hahah, amazing title. I’m weird – I like doing laundry. So…I vote for laundry.
I actually don’t mind it either…but don’t tell the newf that. He’s adopted it as one of his tasks and I’m not going to fight him for it.
One place you won’t be able to send your surplus: Zimbabwe —
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/jan/09/zimbabwean-outlaws-sale-used-knickers
You know what? I’m kind of on Zimbabwe’s team when it comes to used underwear sales…for many reasons.
At least he can’t say he has a dirty pair of underroos! That, and he has options, which are always good. He probably just wants to look nice for you
Fair enough! Although if it was about looking good, then we need to talk about some of the sweatpants…
Okay this is my first trip on your roller coaster and let me tell ya I’m lovin’ the ride so far! I think you are the laundry %, but then again who the hell needs 100 pairs of underwear!? Seriously!? Is it because he doesn’t like to do laundry or does he have some sort of obsession with manties? You know… how women are with shoes?
P.S. I’m with you Kimberley. I’ll take that invitation too, please.
Honestly? Underwear are the only things he likes shopping for! It’s his only vice! Well, besides whiskey.
I’m a little jealous of the chess set you’ve got…I’m a little jealous that you HAVE a chess set. I’d get one, but my living space can’t accommodate any more. It’s been filled with books…and TV on DVD. But mostly books. I know the drawers magically fitting into the drawers were supposed to be the main focal point of the picture…but my brain categorically picks apart pictures until every detail has been noted. And then it purges itself of any useless information. Like wall colour and brand of undergarment. I’m great at finding Waldo.
Also, the part of me that lives in a soap opera quietly wonders if they’re all HIS. Or if some actually belong to his twin…Alfonso. Who was raised by Spanish monks. Forced to live in tighty-whities until he reached his majority and fled the confines of the monastery. And now is buying every kind of comfortable underwear imaginable. There has to be a plot twist soon…
See, I was thinking the chess set was ripe for a visit from Gary and Elaine…
“As The Newf stood pondering which pair of Ginch Gonch he would wear for the day, he noticed that Ben had slipped out of bed in the middle of the night to make the first move toward a Caro-Kann defense.”
Boys, boys, boys…that chess set was recovered from my brother’s room after he moved out of my parents’ house because we just “HAD to play chess together all romantic-like” which lasted about as long as it took for the newf to lose twice and then it was banished to a life of décor in the bedroom. Quite a sad story, actually.
My boy keeps a big collection of shoes… Believe me those are more expensive and take more room. The worst thing is when we go on vacations, he wants to take around 20 pairs of shoes for a week in the beach!
Um…that’s totally me. Remind me to tell you about the time I made us designate a shoe closet that still stands to this very day.
I love my house.
Ok, you need to stop Newf’s pulling of underwear up to his armpits. Partner wear’s his high sometimes and it infuriates me. I just lay in bed some nights wanting to shout at him, “Where is your natural waist!?”
Also, what kind of onsie pyjamas are we talking? Like Feety pyjamas, or the kind with a butt flap? Or is this part of that whole boundaries thing that maybe I need a family meeting about?
YES. ‘Where is your natural waist?’ is a recurring question chez us.
No footsies, but yes to the butt flap!
Didn’t we, in fact, purchase underwear for him during one of our shopping extravaganzas?
Does that mean we’re the *2*%?
You know I’m fuzzy on the whole math thing.
We did!
And clearly I stop reading once I see a number.
He has approximately ten times the amount of underwear I do. Not counting bras. Unless he has bras too. Probably not.
Not a single one! I mean, it’d be weird if he had a bunch but I’m a little surprised we don’t have a single bra in the house…
Gold! So many underwear!
I brought 40 pairs (thongs fold up tiny) with me to Georgia and waited until I ran out to do laundry (I was in the middle of nowhere with no washer so I had to hand-wash them all!) Next thing I know my host mom had hung them on our OUTSIDE clothing line. I looked like the town whore flaunting my wares….
Hahahaha that’s just traveling common sense though!
Well, the buying…not the advertising your skivvies.
Holy crap.
No. Really.
I think I may own 7 pairs.
But do you feel like you don’t have enough? I mean, I have more than seven, but no where near the need for 100.
I have 50ish pairs… and until this post, I didn’t realize that it was a big deal ! I have different pairs for different occasions!
I knew you would. I KNEW IT.
I’m pretty sure this was not the point of this post, but I have come away from it feeling inadequate. I need more underwear STAT.
Also, I like that you counted. I have about 150+ bottles of nail polish and from time to time I just sit down and count them. I have a great social life, thanks for mentally asking.
I like your face.
WHAT. Now, that’s a serious nail polish stock. Also,
“I have a great social life, thanks for mentally asking.”
I pretty much think exactly that before publishing each post.
My favorite line…”I, too, could have fourteen abs if only I had the torso real estate. And if I stopped eating and drinking until the end of time. And if I occasionally made even the slightest effort to use even just a single muscle.”
HILARIOUS.
I speak nothing but the dramatic truth.
I actually went and counted, its around 20 pairs for me. I have that many so I have to do laundry less.
That, my friend, is an excellent point. Luckily, laundry doesn’t fall under my household responsibilities. I’m not sure how that happened but I suspect it has something to do with that fact that I most certainly do *not* own 100 pairs of underwear.