[Editor's note: Part six of Union Jane's epic night of pretension. Refresh your memory of part five here or start from the beginning here.]
I walked up to him, apologized for causing trouble, and struck up friendly conversation. Somehow we got on the topic of my hair (I’m a girl – it’s to be assumed):
Me, being magnanimous and nice: “I am full of grey hair (a sad but true fact). I have more grey hair than you do.â€
Eton Boy, flirting a little, albeit inappropriately: “Yeah, well my boobs are bigger than yours.â€
Me, confused, and confident in my sizeable rack: “Um, no they’re not?â€
Eton Boy, brazen: “Oh yeah? Let me see.â€
He then motioned forward, grabbed the front of my jacket and pulled it open. My jaw – once again – hit the bar and I hurried away, speechless.
I found my roommate, who was entertaining the Spectacle Man, and explained what had happened. She was equally appalled, but the Spectacle Man disagreed:
Spectacle Man, calmly: “So, did he reach inside your blouse?â€
Me, confused as to why I need to defend myself in this situation: “Well, no. But he pulled my jacket open. The degree of physical contact isn’t really the point.â€
Spectacle Man, matter-of-factly, as if he’d cracked the Hound of the Baskervilles: “Ah Dear Girl, that’s fine. So long as he didn’t reach in and cup your breast, he was well within his rights.â€
My roommate and I instinctively walked out after that remark, without any need to discuss it.
I haven’t been to The Red Door since. It’s kind of a shame, really. I bet my gold sneakers would have stirred up quite the controversy in Tatler.
**********
Shortly after this fateful night, my roommate started dating a bouncer who works at Club 151. He told me that the Eton Boy still asks about me and wonders when I’ll be in again.
What? Is that what he does to pick up girls? Acts like a racist dick all night and then sexually harasses them, hoping they’ll be endeared by it? And does that work? And aren’t those sweater-vests itchy? And are his parents proud that they dished out the £80,000-tuition to send him to Prince Harry’s prep school, and he’s now working as a bartender in a shitty club in Chelsea until his trust fund kicks in?
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…
SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
LOL, I identify with this so much! My mom's birthday is early in June, 11 days later it's my birthday, and ONE day later it's my sister's birthday. (In case my dad feels left out, his birthday is merely 3 weeks away after that.) The week my sister and I have our birthdays, there is definitely way too much cake going around. But hey, I'm a fan of cake, so I go with the flow.
Happy belated birthday to newf!
meh. birthdays are overrated anyway.
Ashley.star: I wouldn't be able to be friends with those people.
Graham: I'll send him FedEx.
Sleepyjane: Ugh. It's fun for about a DAY.
Matt: I know right?
Marie: I'm mad.
Deutlich: I think you're missing the point…
LBluca: I will gladly pass that along.
Mermanda: Gross.
Meghan: He can't be trusted.
Patty: It did both. Thank you.
Hillary: Ewwwwww
Kellie: Do you and your twin exchange gifts or just call it even?
Amindinmotown: Carol Carroll! Hahaha that's so cruel.
AKilah: hahahaha deal!
Peter: That statue is so inappropriate!!!
Himbo: I figured I might!
Thrice: I'll pass it along!
Kyla: Thanks from him!
Wegrit: We have a series of the 'dancing with bear' pictures. I love that statue so much! It's in Ottawa.
miss*H: Thanks!
Mel: Nice cutesy touch!
Lindsay: I'll say!
MsDarkstar: March has both of our mom's birthdays. No good!
Molly: That's usually what it means for us, yes.
Take one for the team means do what you say right? Happy bday newf!
A very Happy Birthday to the Newf who is more than welcome to celebrate his birthday in March when I celebrate mine!
There ain't much good to do in March but drink yourself silly & eat cake anyhow!
That picture may be my new favorite thing. They both look so happy to be dancing together.
happy birthday newf-y!
Happy B'day Newf!
So I don't really care that it's the Newf's birthday so much as I care about the picture. It cracks me up! That just made my day.
Happy Birthday, Newf!
Happy birthday Newf!!
Happy bday to the newbf!
Lol! You had me at “You slut.”
Happy birthday, newf! (My birthday is in November. Hands off.)
That picture, for some reason, reminds me of the statue in front of the Rebecca Cohn. No… the Dal law library? You know, the one that looks like a giant set of balls.
There exists video of me riding that thing. In broad daylight.
Happy Birfday Sir Newfington!
Send the bear my way when you're done … I like 'em big.
Happy Birthday, Newf!
And if it helps you any, my best friend's parents are Toni and Tony. Yep, Anthony and Antonia. Oh, and then I know someone named Carol Carroll. Ha.
Happy b-day Newf! Yes, May & June both suck. Way too much going on. My b-day included. And I'm a twin. So there's 2 of us on the same day. Even worse!
Also, my girlfriend and her husband = Kris and Kristin. Perfect.
Happy birthday, Newf!
My friend's sister, Nikki, is married to a guy named Nick. It makes me want to punch them in the ear.
This can be the new soundtrack to your woes: http://www.timyoung.net/contrast/?p=259
I think it'll cheer you up…or make you hungry.
Happoy Birthday to the Newf'Even if he is putting the moves on that bear.
Happy Birfday, Newfie.
Side note: I am friends with a married couple named Chris and Chrissy.
Happy Birthday to your man. I'm sending him a happy birthday ass slap right now.
Well happy birthday to him!!!!
I'm a little confused, can I say Happy Birthday to the Newf or are you going to get mad?
*whispershappy birthday newf!
Busted. Do you see the way that bear is looking at him?
like he is just a piece of meat.
ridic.
Oh and I watched the interview, you're super adorable.
Ok, the newf can come on down to the states WE'LL celebrate with him! HAPPY BIRTHDAY NEWF!!
Happy Birthday, Newfster!
I had a friend whose parents were Terry and Terri. Yeah. Uh huh.