Unbelievable fact number one: yesterday I managed to convince the newf and Nick that we should all get gym memberships.
We all met up at seven. I was the only one in gym clothes. Why? Because they both thought that we were just going to get our memberships and leave to eat cookies and hamburgers and hamburgers made of cookies. Now you understand what I’m working with here. Neither is dramatically overweight or anything like that but c’mon…we’re not getting any younger.
We drove over to Nubody’s on Portland Street (in case anyone feels like boycotting an establishment simply because I tell them too…yeah? Yeah??), a large and fast-growing gym chain that’s nearby my house. Five minutes later, we were out the door.
At the front desk, we asked if we could get a tour and a break-down of what you get for a membership. Professional representative tells C-word representative to call Whorebag representative to ask her to come down and give us the tour. C-word calls, explains that “three guys want a tour and our prices or something….”
Then, to my awe and horror, Whorebag says something that makes C-word blush and laugh hysterically, covering her face to the point where she can barely breathe. Professional representative looks over almost, ALMOST as flabbergasted as I am. You see, at this point, I am gawking at her like she’s a four-headed chinese crested dog.
Unbelievable fact number two: as I’m staring at her making my disgust at this twisted interpretation of customer service abundantly clear – handing Nick my earrings and weave in case shit gets real – she then laughs even harder and says, “I dunno…they’re in their twenties or something…shhhh they’re right in front of me!”
“AND WE CAN HEAR AND SEE YOU,” says the newf as my jaw has dropped so far that it actually rolled through the change room and onto an eliptical.
C-word then looks up at us, covers her face – because in gym land that makes her invisible – and continues whispering into the phone to Whorebag.
“No seriously…is there a problem that we should know about? I don’t think our request was that hilarious,” says the newf knowing that if words were to come out of my mouth at this point in time, it would have rivaled a scene from The Exorcist.
“Oh uhhh ummm ahh no giggle giggle giggle she just wanted to giggle giggle know what face to put on…” says C-word.
“Would you like to explain what you meant by that?” I ask with the fires of one hundred infernos behind my vocal chords, every brain cell entirely focused on willing her overtanned face to shrivel into a bowl of cottage cheese. Of course, at this point, she’s laughing so hard that she doesn’t even hear my question.
“We’re leaving.” I inform the newf and Nick and walk out the door, glancing back only to see C-word with an expression on her face implying that she had no idea what had gone wrong in our transaction.
Unbelievable fact number three: SHE HAD NO IDEA.
Now, I’m going back in my head, trying to come up with some options of what transpired over the phone that wouldn’t have been completely unprofessional and I can’t come up with a whole lot. Perhaps the Whorebag was attacked by a mob of emus dressed as clowns as she’s on the other line? Maybe Whorebag was in fact Chris Rock? Maybe Whorebag has a really silly helium voice or a funny lisp that made her say, “I’ll thee you in a thecond” and C-word couldn’t handle it?
My guess is that she was all, “oooooo…I loves mens. I can haz mens? Mens in my naughty places??”.
Well toots, you could’ve but I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again:
You ain’t hittin’ this.
Unbelievable fact number four: we actually managed to recover and went to another gym and worked out until I literally dropped dead. LITERALLY.
Okay. The last one is unbelievable for a reason.
Also, Nubody’s? I bet you’re excited for the phone conversation we’re going to have tomorrow ‘CAUSE I SURE KNOW I AM.
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
As a dog owner I can totally appreciate this. I laughed from beginning to end!
Haha, its a Dachshund thing, mine licks my ankles when I get out of the shower too, steals my underwear every chance she gets, and humps a pillow bigger than her, Dachshunds are just pervy in general.
But thats a great story, LOL.
Amy: That's fair.
ANG: Normal ish.
Bikram: Thanks and sorry!
Phil: Ears are not meant to be violated that way unless you've just polished off your third bottle of wine with an Italian hunk. Then it's okay.
Yeah, my folks have a pomeranian who's equally voracious for the ears. It's unsettling really.
Also, my little bro and his girlfriend have a pet rat, and she's totally cute and all, but you guessed it, she looooves to clean people's ears.
It's whack.
There are some funny ass bloggers out there. I laugh all of the time while reading blog posts. But this one, this one was hysterical. I had to cover my mouth so people around me didn't think I was insane.
1) this is just hilarious.
2) lu doesnt really care about me when i'm showering. BUT! when i get out and she hears that lotion bottle pump, she comes running. ready to lick my legs. normal right?
Hahahahah….
I tend to feel violated by animals that lick.
… it's like reading porn.
hysterical and disgusting.
he's such a pervert.
LIKE HIS FATHER.
I am all kinds of creeped out right now…..
And the fact that so many people have “me too”ed to this kind of puts me off wanting a dog any time soon.
Pets understand treat, walk, bath, but you throw a “STOP LICKING ME IN THE EYE” and they seem confused and fail to stop.
Just got back from a friend's place. Short skirt. German shephard. Thoroughly moisturized legs. Let's just say I understand.
lol,,so funny, you still can stand with ur dog's behaviour. If i were u, it seems like i'll kill my own dog. Will look mean maybe, but thats definitely what I'm gonna do if i were u. I cant stand with animal's tounge touch my skin or what ever on my body..hueekkk,,so disgusting
That is pretty funny. I love that he looks at you while he does it. That is CREEPY
jajajajajajajajajaja he's quite a porn actor trainee huuh??
ahhhahhahaa. this describes my dog, callie, perfectly. only she doesn't do it to me so much as she does it to my boyfriend…
still. hilarious!
(and a little creepy.)
I'm so disgusted! lol…
My husband would like me to comment that you need to stop recycling Theo pictures.
Oh and when he's licking you, does his tongue quiver a little bit during the pause?
ICKY!
I have to say “like a mustached, afroed, 70s porn star plumber trying to clear your clog…” is very possibly THE BEST SENTENCE I have ever read in my life.
Sorry your pup is a perv, dude.
My 10lbs dog is very similar. Only she like to go for your teeth. Swear. to. god. Her purpose in life is to lick your teeth.
Wolfgang likes to lick the inside of mouths. I'll be asleep, happily snoring away, and all of a sudden I have an entire puppy snout in my mouth and my tonsils are being molested.
You could get him one of those salt lick things they have for deer. Maybe that will occupy him long enough for you to bathe properly (which we all appreciate.)
well, he clearly has a good taste in men. har har.
“trying to clear your clog”
I'm not sure I've ever had my clog cleared. I mean, not properly.
Do you have to wear something special for that?
This is hilarious. Kobe is the EXACT same way except substitute the ears for the feet. Yep. My pups got a foot fetish. And the scary part is he won't even go to bed at night unless he gets to lick my feet first. Our nightly ritual consists of:
- Climb into bed hopeful that by some miracle his fetish would have disappeared
- Notice Kobe trying like mad to scramble down under the sheets to get to my feet
- Kick feet around trying to dissuade him from making my feet into swamp feet
- Lose hope as I end up just kicking him in the face over and over and getting licked each time my foot makes contact anyway
- Succumb to swamp foot madness
It's a disgusting, disgusting habit of his.
My roomie's dog goes directly for my crotch.
DIRECTLY.
EVERYTIME.
I feel so violated.
You have officially made me feel like I was the one being violated.
At least he doesn't go for the crotch?
I've had to buy more underwear than I care to admit, courtesy of Adley's penchant for EATING them. Ew.
I have exactly nothing of value to say. I just wanted to let you know that I'm laughing. A lot. At your awesome, pervy little dog!
My dogs are SUCH creeps too! Between this and then penchant for stealing my bras and underwear & piling them into a nest in the front window I think they need professional help.
OMG I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. I LOL only because I too share your shame. My monster is a equal opportunity perve. All 17lbs of blubber tear off my blankets at night just to get to the back of my knees. If I resist, and I do, he will walk up to my head and start biting me. I ended up with not only a perve but a violent one at that.
Hahahaha… You DO need a grown-up you can trust.
Maybe it's because he loves you so much? Yes?
This is very disturbing. And suddenly, I don't mind so much that Luke refuses to give “kisses.”
Living with a sexual predator is dangerous, Benny. Get some help. xo
Oh man. My friend's dog used to do that, although without the creepy eye-contact as she was super old and almost completely blind and probably a little demented.
It turned into this kind of fear factor thing where I tried not to push her away from my ankles for as long as I could stand it. She won every time.
Tears. Holy crap, tears are running down my face from laughing. I have an 18 lb sexual predator shih tzu so I know your pain. He waits outside the shower just to lick my legs.
i think this is a dachshund thing because my friend MOB's dachshund does exactly the same thing.
i call her lizard tongue.
So, have you ever – in a drunken state – thought about approaching someone and doing this to them? I'd like that on video please. I'm sure you'll be in prison, but someone can post it, right?
yuccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk… tht made my insides squirm in disgust!!!!
the only reason dogs scare me (yessss im terrified!!!) is their tongue and nose!!! they're wet n they touch u!!
You've been licktimized alright.
The way dogs just infer consent, like each lick is weighty with the message: You want it. You love it. Don't fight it baby. You need my lingering tongue.
*shiver*
I freak out when my dog licks me while I'm eating. That's the worst combo ever. Like getting felt up while watching Schindler's List, or eating a popsicle while watching your mom shave her legs. I've heard.
You have a little too much knowledge about having melted butter licked off your body…
Nasty and hilarious, all at once. I laughed so hard my sides hurt.
{Miss Chief, my cat does the same thing. It's nasty and perverse.}
I do have to wonder, though… how long have you had this dog? Is this a recent development? Do you think it will stop?
I realized last night that my kitten will never change (he wakes me up to play at 3am), and that for the next 18 years of his life, I'm never going to get a full night's sleep.
I feel violated.
I thought it was bad when my dog slipped me the tongue. She's sneaky as fuck like that. You think your lips are closed tight and then BAM! Chihuahua tongue in your mouth. But this is worse.
What a creep!! My cat just sort of vaguely sexually harasses me from across the room by licking herself as loudly and slurpily as possible and staring at me. It's gross but it's not quite molestery. Yet.
OMG That's disgusting. I think I just barfed in my mouth. And I'm at work. Thanx. See that's just another reason why I'm NOT a dog person.
Good luck