Those are the words of a homeowner who prepared for Halloween based on a neighbours estimate only to have a grand total of 15 trick-or-treaters. The worst part of it all? No fun trick-or-treater stories. The entire holiday was so completely blasé that I have absolutely nothing to say about it.
Instead, let me share gems from the running commentary of Nick and I from our annual viewing of the one and only Halloween classic, Hocus Pocus. If you aren’t familiar with it, this post will make very little sense and you will essentially be dead to me. Just sayin’…
N: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t already watch this movie twice already this week.
B: I’m not here to judge.
N: Why’s the peasant boy running through the forest to save his sister without shoes on?
B: Shoes weren’t invented in the 1600s.
N: Oh. Bette Midler sure got the short end of the youthful beauty stick, didn’t she?
B: Ah present day time. Isn’t it sad that this movie was made back when high schoolers were played by high schoolers and not impossibly beautiful men and women in their late 20s?
N: Really though. I mean, what’s the cast of Gossip Girl doing these days? Aren’t we overdue for a remake?
B: Totally. I hate this whole bit with the shoe-stealing bullies too. What’s the point? Unless Bette Midler is stealing the shoes, I don’t want to hear about it.
N: Hey…let’s be bullies. With words buzzed into our heads.
B: Deal.
N: I think we only like this movie because of the I put a spell on you singy bit. But look at the witch museum – condemned for creepiness.
B: Do not enter without Scooby and the gang. I hate the sassy female lead. She’s still trying to be flirty even though they’re about to get fucked by those witches. Now is not the time, slutbag. And this script was definitely written just so Bette could shriek for an hour and a half.
N: I love it.
B: Me too. Okay, they think they won so they’re cuddling at five in the morning? Older brother is totally jonzing for an HJ. Flirty bitch deflects by hoping to save the cat with the book.
N: Hasn’t she seen Sabrina? He makes out okay. Oh – and get blinky book some mascara. Wait – the glowing beam of the opened book can be seen from space but not by the people holding it in their laps?
B: Magical. Hey now…Sarah Jessica Parker is luring children away but there was one definitely hot dude in there walking down the street in his boxers with an open robe. He was 25 at least.
N: SJP has her own priorities. And why are the kids still wearing their costumes, it’s supposed to be five in the morning? And why are they all clutching jackolanterns?
B: I’m not even kidding! There were at least three Dolce & Gabanna models in the crowd of hypnotized children on their way to the witch’s house. SJP knows how to work it! Think she still admits to being in this?
N: Definitely not.
B: So…the witches basically threw away guaranteed immortality by flying past all the children they needed in hopes of getting that ONE little girl before sunrise? I guess they thought an hour was plenty of time to catch the girl they’ve been chasing for the past ten.
N: Please note, the lead guy is totally hoping for another HJ on the car ride back to the graveyard.
B: Just because the zombie called the witch a wench does not necessarily mean he’s on your side. Look at flirty bitch act like this salt attack stuff is all some sassy high school cheerleader championship with her winks and her smirks.
B: Aren’t the witches not supposed to be able to set foot in the graveyard? ‘Cause Bette just faceplanted in a big way and is not strangling the lead dude.
N: Right. But it doesn’t take affect until she looks down at her feet – that’s important.
B: Oooooo! I’m loving the Xanadu special effects for the witches’ deaths – rainbow stripes and all.
N: Cue glitter explosion! Cue overacting from the kid over the death of the cat!
B: I’ll always be with you? Really cat-ghost? She just met you like twelve hours ago. I think she’ll be okay on her own…again…Sabrina repeats air every weekend….
N: This movie is awesome. Want to watch the I put a spell on you scene again?
B: Duh.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Moooog: I've spent many a day thinking about why male beach volleyball is a topless sport. By thinking, I mean touching my special places.
Candice: Maybe this summer?
Amindinmotown: hahaha that might be a bit of propaganda.
Maxie: You're welcome.
Sue: Yes. And I had another clingy one.
LiLu: Sign me up.
Andhari: Don't you have beach access year round??
Kristen: My kind is used to being accosted by balls.
Amy: You poor thing….
Jenny: We do, dear. We do.
Kyla: I could not love you any more than I already do.
Mega: Lesson learned. I'll be on your team.
Volleyball sucks. It always goes straight up in the air when I hit it. Should've stuck to competitive drinking, good sir.
Oh sun burns are the worst! I'm terrible for them.
ps- My favourite trick at all inclusive is going to the main bar to let them know that the beach bar sent you up to grab more rum for them because they're out and swamped. And then just having fun with your new bottle of Friend Maker 3000.
Volleyball leaves my arms red and bruisy looking and yes, hurts!
Cuba is awesome fun
And too funny about od-ing on Imodium. Poor Newf
eeek beach volleyball = way too much work and lol overdosing immodium. who does that?
the caribbeans sure love their rum. i made peter play beach volleyball too. you would've thought i was asking him to eat a live pony. then i got ear chlamydia from the filthy pool water and couldn't drink anymore so i had to compensate by mixing pills and radiating skin cancer.
I always run *away from* the ball because I have a strict policy against participating in any sport where balls are flying at my face.
We are too pretty to play sports, Ben.
The pictures are amazing, Ben. You look happy there. Oh man, I would be too. I so need to go to the beach, pronto. I'll even learn beach volleyball for that.
Volleyball is what they play in hell.
I'm pretty sure there's rum there, too, though. So it's cool.
Is this the swimsuit you talked about buying online?
Dang, I was picturing something way more, uh, swimsuit-y and, uh, clingy…
Your crotch is prominent in that top picture.
I like it.
I didn't even know people could vacation in Cuba. Really, I thought that entire area was pretty off limits. I thought people were killed there… Hm. I might have to revist some history lessons.
Cuba's on my wishlist for next year! Sounds like a great trip dude. St. John's next?
Beach volleyball is only a sport when women in bikinis play it.
And, actually, the sport part is more sitting on the sidelines going 'FALL OFF! FALL OFF! FALL OFF!'
I'm not athletic, either.
Am I the only one that's all, “Why is Ben wearing his T-shirt in the water?”
Also I always imagined Cuba to be more poverty striken.
Never pooped again? That's gotta be rough… colostomy?
Glad you guys had fun… wish I could have joined you!
rum and volleyball, a wonderful combination.
Ok, first off, how effing cute are you?
And two, I am jealous, but also happy that you had a lovely vacation!
You do realize baby dolphins are, like, powder pink, right? How can you kill a pink porpoisey thing? You could not, that's how.
I desperately need some beach. Soon.
Oh I would love to be there! I usually play on a sand volleyball league each summer. This year since I am knocked up I can't. I am so sad! It's not that I'm any good at it (b/c I pretty much suck) but it's just fun to be out and socializing and drinking!
That looks amazing.
Maybe someday us Americans will be allowed to go there.
I don't know about the sports, though. How is that a vacation?
sports? i don't even know who you are anymore.
Were you bending your knees when you played volleyball? When you're on the sand (this also counts for running), because the terrain isn't solid, you have to compensate. Most people find exaggerating their posture helps. So if your bending your knees, crouch low. If you're running, kick your knees higher.
You are too sexy for your shirt, Ben.
I've been the plus one on a vacation that involved over-enthusiastic Immodium taking. I was like, “What? Don't complain to me. You did it to yourself.”
You are possibly nicer than me.
clap…clap…clap…
posting about sports and killing dolphins? I love this.
obviously.
Sounds like a lot of fun–well, not the pain part but the beach and volleyball part does!
I SOOOOO need the sun like that.
Holy. I just giggled to myself for the first time today, just picturing a straining man on the toilet. What you DO to me!