I’m being sexually victimized by my ten-pound dog.
I get it – dogs lick. It’s a fact of life that I totally appreciate. How nice it must be for absolutely everything to be SO! SCRUMPTIOUS! that you must dedicate your entire life to dragging your tastebuds across floor tiles, kitchen cupboards, sidewalks, feet and dead things. That’s just wonderful for you, dog.
What I don’t appreciate is that Theo’s approach to licking completely overshoots standard canine territory and lands straight into the region of 300lb Sugardaddy whose fetish is to lick melted butter off my naked body.
The tongue extends, makes contact with the skin, PAUSES TO TAKE IT ALL IN, and then releases.
It’s so bloody creepy that I can’t even explain it. But I’ll try. Otherwise this post would be over.
He’s all…
Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii- mmmmmmmmmm -iiiick.
Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii- Ooh. You like that? Yeah…that’s nice. -iiiick.
Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii- I like the way you fight it. Squirm for me. -iiiick.
And I’m all…
Don’t look at me while you do it!
I said don’t.
Stop!
I NEED A GROWN-UP I CAN TRUST!
That’s not all. When I’m finished showering off the shame and guilt of his most recent ravishing, I’ll open the shower curtain and he’s there. Perfectly calm, tail not even wagging, looking at me like the rebellious virgin with the fake ID and low self esteem from The Facts of Life, ready to show me what it’s like to be with a real man.Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii- your legs are sooooooooo wet. -iiiick.
So I close the curtain, sit down and rock back and forth scrubbing away the tears until the newf comes to my rescue.
But that’s not even the worst of it.
His ultimate target? Ears.
He will go to town on your ears like a mustached, afroed, 70s porn star plumber trying to clear your clog. Behind the ear. In the ear. Around the ear. My very existence has adopted a fight-or-flight approach to protect my ear canals at all times. But still, I’ll wake in the middle of the night to him sampling my cerebral cortex and have to spend the remaining hours of the night with my head under a pillow, horrified by the shocking truth that I have NO idea how long he’s been going at it.
Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii- That’s good ear. Gimme that ear. Gimme that ear. -iiiick.
Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii- Who’s ear is that? Yeeeaaaah, that’s MY ear. -iiiick.
Stop the madness.
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OH. MY. GOD.
I’ve only been reading your blog for a month or so (and I love it), so I just went back and read this thanks to your latest post. All I can say is, thank GOD I’m alone in this house because I just laughed obscenely loud for literally five minutes and was in very serious danger of peeing myself.
Also, because we will almost certainly never meet, I feel I can share with you that your description of the pause in the middle of your dog’s licking habits was so great, I had to try licking my own hand to see exactly how weird that felt. So thanks. I have now licked my own hand like a dog.
Baaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou for doing that and then telling me about it!
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