Say you’re walking downtown, wherever your downtown may be, happily carrying a cup of your favourite hot beverage, whatever that beverage may be. You notice your shoe is untied so you pause, carefully placing your beverage on the sidewalk beside you, and solve the problem. Because THAT’S the kind of person you are: a go-get-’em, problem-solving, awesomeface.
Taking the moment to reflect on how the day is going so far, you think, ‘so what if I don’t look my hottest today?’. And you’re right…you don’t live in Milan, you GLADLY get out of bed for less than $100,000. Hell…you’d get out of bed for a two-for-one coupon for Denny’s. Everyone’s allowed an occasional day of subpar lookery to allow for things like doing laundry, running out of hot water, trying to look sick so you’ll get sent home from work, hangovers, or refusing to buy new work clothes because you’ll totally lose that weight by summer, amirite?
Of course I’m right.
There you are, tying your shoe like one badass bitch/bastard, just itching to get back up and own the world, when someone walks by and tosses a couple coins at your cup. Because someone thought you were a hobo. Because you look like trash.
Now you’re faced with a split-second decision as your benefactor continues walking down the sidewalk. Do you…
a) keep the change as a pity present and make a mental note to pull your shit together before going out in public?
b) make a rather large scene of returning the money in order to clarify not only to the donor but the rest of the street folk that you’re not homeless, you’re just tired/fashion-impaired/sick/ugly-in-general?
c) waste the time it takes for the donor to walk away doing mental math to determine how much you could make hourly as a homeless person?
Discuss.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Amy: This is a safe place where you can be yourself. Never forget that.
Goodnevili: I think you should post video of this.
AskAlice: hahahahaha if people start throwing twenties at me? I WILL BE SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE.
Barbara: Fair.
MsDarkstar: I think it's an insightful and feasible strategy. You'll be better prepared than the rest of us when we end up living in cardboard box shanties.
Amy: Want to start a coalition? We can split the bitchy morning shifts.
MsSalti: It did not but it's a constant fear of mine.
Tia: Dude…homeless does not equal stripper.
Seyma: Apparently you have integrity which is more than I can say about the rest of these people.
Martina: Christ….I should have done a degree in panhandling.
Susan: Maybe flash some boob and you have a legitimate income?
Jamie: hahahaha that'll teach them for trying to do a good deed.
LuckyPunk: Hey thanks!
P: Way to have standards!
Mega: I should really leave the patchwork flanel at home, shouldn't I?
Penguinboxers: Oooooooo!
Hannah: Maybe seasonal for in the summers?
Cheryl: I like it.
Patty: hahahaha no no no no no…I save my change for people I am CONFIDENT are actually panhandling. Although, it would be funny to start tossing my change at corporate fatcats in some strange act of social protest!
Sid: You'd be surprised what you can achieve when you really set your mind to it!
Andhari: Man you pretty girls are aggressive!
Agree with what Cheryl said.
Punch the guy, and C. No doubt.
Dude this is easy. C! I'd totally do C. That's if my DNA would allow me to dress this badly.
What about D) Give the money to an anti-poverty advocacy group?
Ok but in the spirit of the other comments, I would bet at least the “hypothetical' amount in this scenario that the only hypothetical thing in this story is the point of view. Ben, it was actually YOU who thought of dropping your spare change into the coffee cup of a less-than-perfect hoboganger (hobo version of a normally non-hobo person, right?), wasn't it? haha.
But don't worry. Kiki the hobosexual will pick up your victim's emotional pieces.
Definitely C.
But after I punch that guy in the groin.
C. Most definitely. I need a second job, but I don't know if homelessness would work that well for me..
d the second. Start charity fund devoted to beautifying the world by sending hobos to fashion school. Added bonus, any especially awesome outfits get modled then sent to your personal GIANT walk-in closet. (It became a thing at one point.)
This idea is so copy-writed… copy-written?… by me unless someone else does it first.
When you dress like a crazy drunk, what did you expect? At least they didn't pee in it.
Depends how much coinage was actually involved I guess. If it was just shrapnel (1/2 pence coins) I'd give it back. Pound coins, I would gladly accept.
Hi, Ben. Great blog, great entry.
I'm passing on an “Oh My Blog!” Award to you… See my blog for rules and more info. Congratulations!
My first reaction upon reading this?
THROW IT AT THEM.
But I am a mean, mean girl so yeah.
Ahahah, I would ponder how much I'd make as a homeless person.
I used to work downtown (in Halifax) during the summers and there were always friendly panhandlers who would talk to me.
One day we had the “Oh, why don't you just get a real job” discussion and turns out they were making $100-$250/day in the summer which beat my $8/hour wage.
Apparently you can't support drug habits on $8/h but you can on $250/day.
So… yah, option c for me.
first off, this is one of the best posts i've read recently..
and second off, i'd go for b. BUT, i'd rather not make a huge scene.. just go give the donor's money back telling that i'm not homeless for god's sake.. i wouldn't want him to waste his money on someone who doesn't need a coin so that he can either keep his money or give it to someone who really needs it! i don't give a shit! but i can't take that money that's all i know..
is this wrong?? or am i being what??
have a fun weekend Ben!!
d) yell at them for being cheap.
seriously. even as a homeless person i demand at least paper money.
I would cry, run home, and get done up like I've never been done up before.
Please tell me this didn't really happen…
panhandlers can make hundreds of bucks a day working on a flexible schedule with fresh air and sunshine. think about it: you made money JUST BY CROUCHING. i bet you don't get paid at work for just SITTING, do you?? no, you're working your ass off in flourescent-lit hell. it's worth investigating.
Well, since I can't find a job to save my life, might as well ease my way into fully homeless mode by panhandling. I'll need a sharpie & some cardboard, though. Diaper box pieces work well (for women) cuz it makes us look like we have teh babiez that we're scrapin' together monies for! (Should it bother me how well I have this thought out?)
I'd call the person an asshole, but still take the money!
In that case I would for sure take the money, go buy myself a beer (I love how a handful of change in Canada = $27) and then I would be appropriate scented for more panhandling.
I'm wondering if adding the organ grinders monkey dance would increase revenue or scare prospective donors away.
Is this like the gay equivalent of being asked if you're pregnant?
Also, this is totally related: I would take the money and buy something fattening to cry into. JUST BEING HONEST.
c – what an awesome gig and the nice weather is coming.
C.
And, finally, I have a way of cashing in my slovenly demeanor.
Thanks, Ben. Hypothetically. Ish.
ps: you're awesome
Theoreticallish or not…this. is. awesome. I think I'm in love. (I have a thing for hobos.)
But–hypothetically…ish–I'll take a and c garnished with one of those slick moves of like when you trip on the sidewalk, say when you're going for a run, and do a Pete Rose right there…and you turn bright red and snap your head around to make sure no one is looking (and usually make eye contact with someone who is looking right at you). Err…maybe that's just me. Ish.
C.
Maybe a little A, too.
I would take the change and get a refill for my coffee. Donor gets to feel good and I get more coffee. I'm very utilitarian here.
c.