Things have been really good lately. REALLY good.
Well…not like I-can-retire-and-make-an-obnoxious-salary-just-by-writing-about-how-clever-I-find-myself-and-making-public-appearances-at-events-filled-with-Chris-Evans-clones-and-Great-Danes really good. But you know…pretty solid. Definitely in the I-only-say-”kill-me-in-the-face”-about-once-a-week-and-usually-laugh-afterwards territory.
You see, I committed to an attitude change this year. And that attitude change is called Swiss Cheese all up in my face on the daily.
I kid….
…but that’s a big part of it.
I used to get crotchety a lot. Is that a real word? I’m using it regardless, but I thought I’d ask. For those of you who are unfamiliar, let’s take it Spelling B style.
CROTCHETY: C. R. O. T. C. H. E. T. Y. Crotchety.“The boys all want me in the CROTCHETY.”
I mean…
“When I get old and hermitesque, I’m going to be even more CROTCHETY.”
Right. So…I’ve been wasting too much time and energy being crotchety. Instead of doing great things, I would sulk and mope about the external factors getting in the way of me doing great things.
Liiiiiiike…I could have been Ryan Reynolds’ new wife but stupid something something missing some parts and having a few too many other parts something something got in the way.
Orrrrrr…I could have solved world hunger but a butterfly landed on a pond in India and that created a poor sugar crop in South America and that meant Starbucks ran out of their Vanilla flavouring and Ben couldn’t get his latté so he got crotchety instead of helping the World sort its shit out which he could totally do if he didn’t have to fill out a timesheet or clean his own house or talk to people he finds unattractive.
See how that works?
But the other day I had an epiphany that was so striking that I turned to my office wife whom I cheat on with men on the sly but don’t tell and said, “DUDE. DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN ACTUALLY JUST DO STUFF AND THEN IT STOPS STRESSING YOU OUT?!?!?!”
And she was all…”Hmph?”…’cause she doesn’t always pay attention to the junk I yell about because I yell a lot and let’s face it – I’m a lot to handle. If the newf and I spent eight hours sitting next to each other, five days a week, he would for sure rip out my large intestine and strangle me with it while painting pagan symbols on his face with my blood.
Plus she’s always just surfing porn anyway.
Just kidding, boss! Or am I?
I am.
So I left her with her beastiality websi – nevermind – and started thinking about all the things I could just DO and stop bitching about. Not unlike the girls on those websi – nevermind – and all of a sudden I had so much more time to focus on Doing Great Things rather than Hating Everything About Everything.
For example, did you know that Tia and I spent three hours on video-chat sulking about the fact that we had to pull ourselves together for OH MY GOD FOUR SECONDS IS LIKE INTERNET ETERNITY rather than just doing it and appreciating that we were part of something incredible? We could have just gotten over ourselves, filmed our shit and spent three hours talking about more important stuff like My Little Ponies and Tia’s hair.
Crazy right?
You’d think more people would know about this…
So consider me your Oprah, Wendy Williams, or other influential black woman of your choice and follow these instructions three six:
1) Make a list of all the shit that has been stressing you out.
2) DO THAT SHIT.
3) Drink celebratory bottle of vodka.
4) Make a list of all the EPIC SHIT that you want to do and figure out how to make it happen.
5) Revise when sober. Remove mentions of elephants, Lady GaGa or sexing me up (MAXIE).
6) Rejoice in the amount of time and energy you have to DO said EPIC SHIT.
7) Or just spend your time on nasty-ass websi – nevermind.
*Brought to you by an awesome twelve-hour work day and many glasses of red wine.