If you’ve been dead for the past two years, you may not realize that there is a historic American election at hand. Depending on its outcome, I may wake up to hundreds (thousands? MILLIONS?) of emails from Americans desperate to marry me in order to kick it in Canada for four to eight years.
Think about it. In addition to being dreamy, I’m so Canadian I sweat maple syrup and beavers. As a result, I’m also your meal ticket into the true north, strong and free.
DREAMY + CANADIAN * MCCAIN ELECTED = IRRESISTIBLE BEN.
So to save my poor inbox, please consider the following criteria prior to submitting your application. Keep in mind that only successful applicants will be contacted. By submitting your application, you hereby agree to participating in a lengthy and complicated reality show to determine a winner.
And yes, gay marriage is legal here. Haaaaaaaaaay boys!
1) Travel, living and marriage expenses are to be covered by the applicant. And you better believe I’m wearing Vera.
2) Once you marry into Canada the phrases beginning with the following are banned: a) In the states… b) In America… c) In the U.S… d) Back home… c) Haha! Abooot! d) Haha! Howse!
3) You will eat poutine and you’ll goddamn like it!
4) The newf will be on a timeshare, a.k.a. mine unless he’s annoying me and then he’s your problem.
5) Our prenup will clearly state that all your belongings become mine while nothing of mine becomes yours. Once you have my hand in marriage, you don’t need any other physical belongings, right?
6) If anyone asks, we met at the library when we both reached for the last copy of some smart and intimidating book. We laughed about it and then went to second base in the self-help aisle.
7) If I end up liking you, you will not be allowed to return to America when some new president comes along. What?? Our marriage for immigration purposes meant nothing to you??
You will study Appendix A in order to arrive clearly informed as to what’s a YOU problem and what’s a ME problem.
Example YOU problems: We are out of cheese, someone has to fix a hole in the ceiling, the dogs just pooped everywhere, someone is dying in the living room.
Example ME problems: You’re dying to give someone a back rub, you have too many baked goods and need to get rid of them, you have free tickets to Beyoncé and need someone to go with you.
9) Experience in useful trades that have a clear benefit to me will be considered an asset. These include, but are not limited to, hairdresser, bartender, fashion designer, pirate, personal trainer, professional cuddler, baker, ninja, chef, peanut M&M smuggler, happy ending massage therapist, wizard, etc.
10) The newf is rather fond of boobs. I’m not saying appearance comes into play here, but I’m certainly not saying that it doesn’t. So shall we say….C-cup? And fellas, for you? C-cup below the belt. HEY-O! Wait…what?
11) Must have an amazing and eclectic taste in music but still be able to jam out to corny shit with choreographed group dances from artists who don’t speak very much english. Also must not give me crap for not knowing any Radiohead, Coldplay or U2 songs.
12) By applying you agree to agree with me on all subjects of importance including the decision NOT to watch sci-fi on house televisions. Willingness to give synchronized dirty looks is a plus.
13) My dogs must like you. Start kissing up to Calvin now. Theo likes you already.
14) Bribes gladly accepted.
Please note: the final criteria is argubaly the most important. Without this, the other 14 are meaningless.
15) Must be able to take Jamie in a fight. Otherwise, I will be marrying her whilst standing on a heap of your crumpled and broken bodies.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Don't talk to me about fucking summer. Try living in London where if there is approximately 1 cm of blue sky everybody (and I do mean everybody – skinny, fat, young, old) strips down to virtually nothing. The main problem is that most of the people I get to see are the unfortunate ones with lard arses, stretch marks, and builders bums you could lose a city in.
So, Canada, I raise you your attempts at sunbathing in relatively warm climes, and trump you with British “summer”.
But I will deffo be at the poolside bar. Make mine an extremely large one so that one day, maybe, I can wipe these images from my eyes!
What? I…
Sorry. Someone said something about celsius degrees and I blacked out trying to decipher what the hell it meant.
“The first time the sun rears it's fickle head after months of clouds and cold with 70% chance of precipitation and 98% chance of utter depression, we all strip down to our maple-leaf-printed skivvies and start dryhumping the still-frostbitten evergreens as if we're not still going to slammed with a final meteorological bitchslap from Mother Nature before she lets us enjoy what we pretend is a summer.”
That entire LONG run-on sentence? Totally described Michigan folk….Including myself…Except for the maple leaf skivvies. We have cherries on our's (thanks to a thriving cherry harvest in this state).
You lost me at nipples. Make playing Edward 40hands before noon your goal in life. Then…then you shall be king of kings.
Montreal was 25 degrees this weekend. Maybe you should switch provinces. You're missing out. PS, the whole “..start dryhumping the still-frostbitten evergreens” totally speaks to me.
So, all you guys DO have maple leaves on your unders! I knew it!
Swans are evil. You are wise to give them a wide berth.
Well put. (As I put away my flip flops and pull on some wool socks. Which I really did do after I got home from coffee this morning. Sigh.)
I dug up my garden yesterday, knowing full well that the last heavy snow we get will sink in better that way.
Oh yeah. I remember Canadian “Spring.” When anything over 0 is considered shorts weather after you've spent 6 months seeing negative signs on the thermometer.
-40 should not even exist.
Hey, you can easily get a sun tan when it's 50 (F) and sunny as you can when it's 85.
Except I never leave the house, so I dont know if what I said was factual.
Over here in ON we actually had a tiny summer weekend! 26C and Sunny. It was glorious. I actually shaved my glaring white legs and let them out for the first time since Sept!