Offensive to Russians, the religious, my coworkers and clients.

With the exception of maybe the one where I ended up in an elementary school’s principal’s office barefoot and commando at age 24, I’ve pretty much come to terms with all of the stories I’ve lobbed out to the universe through this blog. Seeing as how I completely lacked the foresight to tell me that OH there might be consequences if I post all of this debauchery attached to my REAL BLOODY NAME, I’m one of the bloggers who really has to own it – no excuses, no apologies.

And that’s all well and good to say up until the point where you’re having lunch with your boss, your boss’ boss, and our biggest client who all of a sudden starts asking questions about why I went to Vegas and who the 70 other people were and how we knew each other and what I blog about and if my clients know about my blog and other things that I can’t remember because I got lightheaded and fight-or-flighty and kept praying for spontaneous combustion or divine intervention at which point I got distracted because I didn’t know if ‘divine intervention’ was only used to suggest that God knocked you up which I didn’t really think would help my situation whatsoever unless of course I DID give birth to the Second Coming and he/she could help me by turning back time or making me all-powerful or giving me Jake Gyllenhaal or something.

/runonsentence.

Since this happened, a couple different scenarios keep playing through in my mind.

1) My mother, swirling a martini around cruelly while delivering a told-you-so speech in a Russian accent because everything in my head related to family moments plays out like stereotypical ‘LOOK! DIFFERENT CULTURES ARE FUNNY!‘ movies starring Nia Vardalos: “Son. Vat did I tell yu about beink so geh? Zat tagline makes me uncomfortible. Now you vill be fired and end up stripping next to a dumpster in a beck alley. P.S. Vodka, t.A.T.u., Stalin.”

2) My boss and her boss having to awkwardly field questions about my blog (which they both know about) from this client while I’m not in the room, ending up going to questionable lengths to insist that, “No, no…it’s a professional showcase of his social media qualifications. Yes, yes…we know he drinks and swears and hates a lot of stuff and has some strange sense of internet entitlement. People seem to like him though?”

3) My client requesting that I start blogging about his products exclusively because in some roundabout way he essentially pays my salary, which would start a very strange discussion about how I don’t usually do that unless people give me free toys like video cameras and Clone-A-Willy kits (we’ll talk about this later – it’s just like it sounds) so maybe he’d like to pony up an iPad in addition to keeping me employed and then we might have a deal?

None of these scenarios play out particularly well for me so for the time being, I’m just going to keep on keeping on and use subliminal PLEASEDONTFIREME messages in all my posts now just in case my client GIVEMEANIPAD happens to be reading it.

I’ll keep you posted.

SERIOUSLYGIMMEPROMOTIONSANDAPPLEPRODUCTSANDJAKEGYLLENHAAL.

[Photo Credit: Larskflem]