As you may have deduced from yesterday’s post, this week has not been very pleasant. Nothing major or overly upsetting, but I’ve realized that I’m without a plan to get to where I want to be. Okay, this is not just about my bus navigation skills again. I mean where-I-want-to-be, bigger picture edition. You know, the one that you talk about when you’re hammered at two in the morning, sitting around a campfire with all of your friends. Then, you suddenly realize that there’s really only one of them left rolling his eyes at your slurry dreams and goals and while you’re seeing triple.
I need to find my plan so that I can get some drive back before I keep missing posting days and worrying my mother (who I just learned judges my well-being on my blog activity). So that’s what I’ll be doing for the next little while. Advice, encouragement, your stories are welcome (ben.boudreau at gmail).
Speaking of my mother, here is something she said when I was complaining about the serious joint pain I’ve been having with my knees (I fall over almost every morning when I get out of bed and I’m having a really hard time on stairs. a) it’s not because I’m hungover b) I’m not overweight c) I’m not wearing stilettos…often):
“Well, they say that the knees are the first thing to go in boys like you…”
“Mom? That was more than a little dirty.”
“It wasn’t meant to be…wait…wha?…Oh god!! Noooooo!! I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!!”
Speaking of other mothers, my newf-in-law is coming to stay with us for a few days which’ll be a big drunken blast! Hopefully she won’t make nasty jokes like that mom of mine. Or, hopefully she will!
To make this weekend even more exciting, there is something very big happening tomorrow morning. If you don’t get start excited about it now, you’ll regret it once you find out what it is…stay tuned. Also, make sure you catch the two-part conclusion to Union Jane‘s night of madness that started on the weekends a few weeks ago. It’s a doozy.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Give the sister a different address for the wedding
you know, like miles away in another town….. and then the weeks following the wedding just say the sister must of got the address wrong LOL
x
ITS A JOKE ok
elope:)
For some reason, I immediately thought of Rachel Getting Married.
Okay. I actually disagree with Mel – or at least partially. I think Amy and Megan are spot on the money – my sister, while not an addict, has some mega emotional issues which can be incredibly difficult to deal with. Given a situation like this, the best thing to do would be first to speak to the parents to present a united force.
Then, you can address your sister and let her know that as much as you want her to be part of the wedding, you're concerned the responsibility may be too much for her. Offer her another role, perhaps as in charge of something but not major – just enough that it will make her feel important, and also if things crap out, you don't have to worry about it.
The most important part is presenting a united front. Again, like someone said, your sister needs to want to help herself. But you can at least make an executive decision. Remember, this is YOUR day. Not your sister's. Look for a small way to include her that won't stress you out.
Good luck hun.
aw man, this is a tough situation. is there a way to still keep her involved in the wedding but just on a way smaller scale? with not as much responsibility?
An intervention would be ideal. This isn't only about the sister, but the bride and the family too.
I suggest Nar-anon meetings for the bride. They help.
Also, when confronting the sister saying something like:
“I feel _______when you ________ and I think you need help.”
If she doesn't take the help, then she doesn't.
I moonlight *haha* has a Crisis Call center volunteer and I went through a 9 week training. The first thing I learned is that “The call belongs to the caller” meaning whoever is calling is the person wanting help.
If the sister doesn't want help, then that's on her. If she doesn't feel she needs it she won't take it.
I agree with Rachel. Weddings in general are a source of total stress… for the bride and groom and a lot of other people involved.
I really hope that the situation does get worked out, but I do agree that it's important that no matter what happens, the sister understands that it is in concern for her, rather than in concern for the “big day.”
Is there a way to ask the sister if she thinks that she feels all right enough to be in the wedding? Such as…I know that you're going through a lot right now on top of the wedding…are you going to be all right with the stress that bridesmaidly duties requires? Because maybe the sister will back down on her own. But again, every situation is different… and it also depends on how much of a drama queen the sister is. My sister=big drama queen. I'm not sure how I'd approach my own sister about something like this. But my thoughts are with you.
I don't have the time to read everyone's good advice above me, so if I am repeating myself I apologize. Kicking her out in any way will most likely result in massive drama. People in this mind set seem to personalize everything and tend to want to steal the spotlight back. It's insanely tough and I feel for you.
Not knowing how bad she is, have you considered lessening her bridesmaid duties? Don't have her be responsible for anything that could make or break the wedding. That may allow her to still be a part of the wedding without you worrying too much.
If she is in such a bad state that you just don't trust her, then you need to have your family there when you decide to tell her that her services are no longer needed.
Not to be too blunt, but she isn't your child & it's not your responsibility to take care of her completely. Your job right now is to take care of yourself.
The big thing is to not let her “take” this day from you. If that happens you could very well end up resenting her for the rest of your life.
Either way, you are in my thoughts
My older brother is recovering/relapsing addict. My thoughts: Typically with addicts, the whole family knows the situation, it just depends on individual personalities and where everyone is in the process as to whether or not someone will be upset/offended. Me – I have the same attitude toward my brother that you seem to have toward your sister, my parents – no so much. I say you need to have the conversation with your parents first to see what they are thinking. There is entirely a chance they will be on board and say sure, kick her out of the wedding. The risk you run is that if for any reason this event is important to your sister (whether her behavior shows this or not) she could get upset and purposefully try to screw things up for you anyway. I agree with some of the others – but the question is, if she cleans up her act, would you still want her in your wedding? The positive point is that you still have over 3 months…which is plenty of time for her to clean up her act… the bad news is that dealing with an addict in your immediate family is horrible.
She won't get clean for the wedding if she isn't ready. Ultimatums do not work. She won't get healthy and take care of herself until she is ready to do it for herself and for no other reason.
I'm sure that's not what you want to hear. And I don't have much in the way of advice to offer. As someone who got married a year after her little brother died from an accidental heroin overdose after a long battle with his addiction, I sympathize. I want very badly for your sister to get better. For the right reasons, so she stays that way. And I want you and your family to bond together and be strong together, for yourselves and for your sister. So that when she is ready to get clean and healthy, for herself, you'll all be there as a close-knit supportive bond to help her through it.
I hope that you find a way to be sure she is included in your special day, in some way, because she is still your sister despite her disease. And I hope like hell that she finds her way.
I think Mel said it well. Tell the sis that although this is a hard time for her, it is your wedding day, and you get to call the shots. If she wants in, she's gotta clean up her act!
A wedding is a huge, important day in someone's life. There is already so much stress surrounding the day that any added stress is just not necessary.
I agree with all the others that a sit-down with the sister and parents is definitely in order. It'll be incredibly hard to do but hopefully it will help her sister in the end.
I guess it would depend a lot on the existing family dynamic. If everyone sees the sister as a source of stress and potential drama on the big day, then you really have nothing to lose by going in on an direct conversation, right?
I sincerely hope that her frame of mind is not so far gone that she can realize the priority of being present for her sister's big day and doing her part for not only herself but the whole family.
Mel nailed it.
This lady knows a lot about this, check out her two blogs and she may even might want to write to her: http://ellemichelleunedited.blogspot.com/
http://elleshares.blogspot.com/
So, it may be too late for this suggestion for her, but this is what happened at my wedding. My sister and my best friend both expected to be aid of honor and his brother and best friend both expected to be best man, so we decided to screw the wedding party and it was just the two of us at the alter. We still gave corsages to everyone who would have been in the party, but we told everyone we wanted it to be just the two of us. It worked out wonderfully and I really do think it was better than having a ton of people up there.
Apparently, we all have the same idea. The “clean yourself up or stay away on my Big Day” ultimatum is not only fair, it's a wonderful way to get her to clean up. Just be prepared…she may not choose the wedding. Perhaps it would be a good time for an intervention. This is a HUGE wake-up call.
As someone planning a wedding of her own, I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, but I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.
I think Mel really nailed what I was going to suggest, and then some. Definitely discuss it with her sister and parents together and also definitely make it clear that her safety is your priority.
I also think the ultimatum is a good idea. Being involved in a wedding is no small task, and she needs to be in a good state and frame of mind for it.
I would suggest sitting down with the sister and the parents to talk about it. Don't corner her by herself.
And if she doesn't want to reliquish her place? Give her an ultimatum — tell her she needs to check into the hospital for a little while first.
Make sure to state how this is mainly about concern for HER welfare…Don't make a big statement about how she's going to ruin your big day.