Only a few movie experiences have actually kept me awake at night. First we have the traumatizing sight of the Child’s Play 2 movie poster in the newspaper. Next we have the creepy as hell crabwalk on the stairs moment in the otherwise boring The Excorcist. And of course the baby stealing scene from Ghostbusters 2. That shit was a little too real for my young brain.
But the one that still gets to me as an adult is from the gruesome, heartless, pain-in-high-definition Planet Earth miniseries.
There’s this particular scene where a baby caribou or deer or something with wobbly Bambi legs is prancing around on a hillside when Sigourney Weaver (where’s Morgan Freeman?) pulls out her bad-shit’s-going-down voice and this asshole wolf starts chasing him down like a freaking savage animal!
Obviously Bambi’s all oh-sweet-baby-Jesus-help-a-brother-out and his whole herd just fucking takes off without him.
So Sigourney explains some junk about the circle of life, trying to calm everyone down while the baby hauls hooves all over the bloody mountain. After about five horrendous minutes, it starts to looks like Bambi’s starting to gain some distance…relief washes over you but OH! WAIT! WHAT’S HAPPENING? – the silly bastard just lies down like some adorable stuffed toy and waits for the wolf to trot over. Which he does.
And Bambi makes cutiepie eyes.
And I go awww nature is so awesome and friendly.
And then Sigourney says something gloomy.
And I think…oh shit. This is not happening. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!
And then the wolf eats Bambi.
And then I collapse in a pool of sobbing mess because Theo curls up just like Bambi and the two of them would probably have been cuddle buddies if that mothereffing wolf hadn’t eaten Bambi and wouldn’t it be awful if a wolf ate Theo and how nature is so full of all of this bullshit every single day and why can’t I just save all the baby furry creatures of the world?
Worst of all, the newf tries to turn it into some horrific science lesson as if SCIENCE makes baby furry things dying even REMOTELY okay. Then he gets all high and mighty like: that carrot you had in your dinner doesn’t exist anymore because you ate it. Same thing.
And then I freak out because sister please…..carrots don’t have feelings or get scared or remind me of Theo when they curl up all cute-like. And if they DID have feelings they would consist of: I’M A CARROT. I HELP YOUR EYE AND DIGESTION. PLEASE ADD ME TO STIRFRY.
Unlike Bambi who’s more like: I’M ADORABLE AND LIKE TO USE MY BAMBI LEGS TO PRANCE AROUND AND BE CUTE AND SHIT MAN WHY’S THAT WOLF RIPPING OUT MY CUTE BAMBI ORGANS! SIGOURNEY WEAVER – WHY WONT YOU HELP ME? STOP NARRATING AND SHOOT THIS CRAZY LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD REJECT!
And if that weren’t bad enough, they go to the next scene of little birds making their first migration to their mating grounds. They soar through the clouds to uplifting classic music and you start to regain your faith in the world when Sigourney comes back and is all: BUT LOOK! HERE COMES THE FLYING BIRD-EATING LEOPARDSHARKHAWK WATCH OUT HELPLESS BIRDS! BWAUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
So then I get even more upset and the newf goes all “science is so awesome!” we get in a fight and I blame science and nature for everything wrong in the world and stay awake to make sure that Theo isn’t getting eaten by wolves which is more than that sadistic piece of trash Sigourney Weaver ever did to help the animals.
And somehow all of this explains my allergy to knowledge and my beef with recycling.
Sure it’s a stretch but it’s all you’re going to get.
Also…I accidently hit Theo in the face with a door over the weekend. He’s fine but likely questioning how safe he truly is living in close proximity to me…
{ 1 trackback }