[The Dream Date series continues with Rachel of I'm a Mom in Real Life!]
9:00am – Blindfold Rachel and shove her in the back of the car. Kidnap Diana from preschool.
10:00am – Untie frantic Rachel and take Diana to the mall for cool lessons. You know, crucial preparation for middle school. I want her to be the Queen Bitch by high school to make up for the fact that I wasn’t.
Okay. Fine. I’ll be taking Queen Bitch lessons from Diana who clearly knows how to work the world since she was offered a real live penguin for her birthday and had an assembly line of people unwrapping presents on her behalf.
11:00am – Realize that children are tiresome. Give Diana back to preschool teacher and insist that it was all a big misunderstanding. Cancel the 911 call and avoid prison time.
12:00pm – Drink gin and tonics with a jittery and confused Rachel, hopefully by then she will be identifying with her captor.
3:00pm – Return home to watch the newf and the husband wrestle in whipped cream for our entertainment.
3:30pm – By now, Rachel and I will surely need some…alone time…
{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }
Kez: Hahaha I’m glad you liked it. I responded with much more shock.
Chris: Your anonymity has been foiled but I still respect you. Ish.
Sheila: Hahahahaha you and the newf can be friends.
So…
I read this post the other day (sorry I didn’t post way back when…I’ve been TIRED from work..)I got to the end. I was sitting in my car at a parking lot waiting for my next patient appointment (don’t ask) and I read
The newf kept asking if we were listening to Theona Lewis. Now – there are so many things wrong with that question, made worse by the fact that when he realized he was wrong, he asked: “Oh…Theona Apple?”
And I stopped reading instantly and lowered my cell phone (I was reading from there) and started looking around out the windows of the car wondering…
“Theona Lewis?? Huh?? Who the heck is he talking about??”
Yeah. I was dumbfounded the rest of the day.
…..then I came back to comment on this post a few days later so…make that 2 days of being dumbfounded.
“I Wanna Be Bad” is legitimately one of my favorite songs and I am NOT ashamed.
-Anon
THEONA APPLE! I laughed so hard at that I almost cried.
That’s appreciation for you. I hope you’re grateful!
LOL @ theona apple.
yeah martin got hotter when his career “died”. not too shabby eh?
I was totally going to ignore it but, wth is a newf?
Theaona apple made me die giggling. And I didn’t know that he’s a single Dad!
My goodness. Ben, you really make everything better.
i used to love “she bangs” haha, oh ricky.
“Ladies, please – calm your ovaries!” HAHA That had me hysterically laughing.
Wow, “Theona” lol!
And isn’t it great not knowing the words? Makes it more interesting as you sing along. But then you can make up the words, and it makes the songs much better.
I just listened to dirty pop on youtube… it was part of my nsync party i had earlier today.
I miss that music. Damn it.
Single Dad? Single Dad? Are you sure he doesn’t actually already have a boyfriend tucked away there looking after the babies?
My friend’s mom named her puppy Ricky Martin. That way every day she told her friends “Oh last night? Last night i cuddled with RIcky Martin.”
My friend’s mom is a bit crazy.
“Ladies, please – calm your ovaries!”
ahahahahahahahah ….so great.
I’ll take an order of those muscles on me .. thanks!
7 words to Dirty Pop? All I know is “Dirtydirtydirty…POP!”. I’ve been wondering about Senor Martin myself. Thanks for the update.
…and why exactly can he not call you mamacita on a daily basis? I think it’s a killer nickname.
I think I have a Ricky Martin CD. Yes, I just admitted it and I’m okay with it. Why, you ask? He was all the rage and years later he’s awesome to exercise too.
And man is he hot!
And Dirty Pop lyrics? Yeah, I only know “Dirty” and “pop” also.
Great post. Had me laughing out loud at my desk
Willa Ford had a whole CD?!
And thanks to Idol, Ricky Martin will forever be associated with William Hung, for me.
And I…I wanna be bad!
Preeetty sure my sister actually paid cash money for that cd. Not just the single either – the whole cd. I hope she’s properly ashamed of herself now.
Come on! He’s just an average latin guy…all of them look the same here in Argentina.
I’m totally naming my next puppy Theona
If you don’t love “Cup of Life” then you are un human.
I used to hope it was about athletic supporters.
HELLOOOO mamacita.
Follow that word with caliente and my ovaries will start screaming.
for the record, nelly furtado going slutty was sort of a fulcrum point for me, because i had a major voice crush on this seemingly geeky young woman…who then exploded into this savage looking sex monster as if it was possible to imagine something and have it spontaneously become true, right before your eyes.
I LOVED Nelly Furtado pre-sellout. LOVED.
I love how you call them newf.You don’t come across that word often. Makes me smile
)
Oh how I’ve missed those abs . . .
yeah…i was watching american idol last night and seacrest announced that the next guy would be singing “viva la vida” and i turned to my friend and said, “oh, i just thought livin’ la vida loca.”
i wish he had sung that instead.
I’ll be Ricky’s babymomma. Juswt saying. He makes me wanna be bad…
Mamcita huh? We all just got a glimpse into your private thoughts didn’t we?
Sorry, I had a manic button clicking moment. ^__^
picturing ricky martin as a volunteer lunch lady me lol so te people in my schools computer room think im a whackjob. well worth it though! my bff and i love to gchat and send each youtube videos of old pop mixes we used to drive around in. i am still wondering where enriques mole is….
First of all. Yum. Secondly, love the dirty pop reference of only knowing those words. Theona Apple. Awesome.
i love too many things about this post.
theona apple (the newf is hilarious)
good ol willa ford (indoctrinating young girls in slut-ology and an experimental foray into solicitation)
the fact that the two of you were scrambling to find dirty pop in which to continue your sing-a-long (umm…i kind of love you both)
Is it bad that I have Dirty Pop on my iPod right NOW?
Theona Apple… Why does that make me laugh so hard? Probably because that’s something ridiculous that I would say. Much to my husband’s delight, I often accidentally combine professional athlete’s names with other random names. I’m just not good with names.
Great. Now I have that Willa Ford song stuck in my head.
And Ricky is HAWT. Seriously. But my question is has it ever been determined what team he bats for? Regardless I will still stare and drool and wish my husbands abs looked like those. Damn.
And I now have Livin’ La Vida Loca in my head. Which makes me think of being a senior in high school. Which makes me kinda sad for some reason (not that I want to go back there or anything)
I’m sure that picture will cheer me up though.
I think that’s why he was able to sing all those crap songs and get away with it. Because he’s so pretty.
And Theona Apple? Hahahahaha!
In junior high, at the peak of my “I want to jump Ricky Martin!” days, I was constantly reminded of my lust for the guy because it was almost daily that a boy in our school was called to the office. The boy had the misfortune of being called Ricky Martin. I swear, the first time I heard him get called to the office, my pubescent loins were on fire at the split-second thought that my latino hip-swivelling dreamboat was visiting my tiny school.
Yummy! And he has twin sons?
Crap. You’re right. I think I did just feel my ovaries jump a little bit…
Listen, if Ricky asked me to, I’d gladly shake my bon-bon, no questions asked.
Oh he’s so pretty.
I once had a religeous experience while watching him on Oprah.
He was singing right to ME, Ben.
She’s aaaa-alll, She’s aaaa-alll I ever haaaadddddd. She’s the air I breathe, she’s all, she’s all I ever haaaaddddd.
It’s the way she makes me feel
It’s the only thing that’s real
It’s the way she understands
She’s my lover, she’s my friend
When I look into her eyes
It’s the way I feel inside OKAY.
I’ll stop now.
For some reason he’s still semi-famous here in Miami. I really hate that he just won’t come out of the closet already. Everyone here knows he’s gay and has seen his boyfriend a thousand times! Its a shame really that he’s still denying it especially now that he has those two beautiful boys.
You know how our parents know where they were when Kennedy was shot? I know where I was the first time I saw a Ricky Martin video. I was in my dorm room with the TV on in the background. When the trumpets started playing I looked up and saw HIM. As this Greek God (Spanish God?) approached the mic I thought; “No way he can sing, he’s too good looking….”
I spent the rest of the week mentally trying to get him to come over and let me pour wax on him, cause I too like living the vida loca.
Theona? That’s just Criminal!
But since Ricky has committed numerous crimes against the music industry maybe we could all be arrested and placed in a holding cell for a few hours? Now that would be living the vida loca!
The peak of his career is when he sang in the group “Menudo”.
Theona…too funny. But seriously, Ben, first Hanson now Ricky Martin? What else is creeping around in your CD collection?
Ricky Martin’s totally ripping off David Beckham. Not that I’m complaining. Hell, I wish more B-listers did it.
That’s a recent shot of Ricky? Post-babies? Dayum! *drool*
And thanks to Cavy, I’m watching “Nobody Wants To Be Lonely” on youtube. Ha! I forgot about this song.