I hate to say it but I spent a lot more of this past weekend crying than I care to admit. I have been choking on my words while I try to say what needs to be said – and it does need to be said.
For all the amazing accomplishments that we’ve made as a society, for all the civil rights movements that have won equality for minority groups around the world, and for all the wonderful support and opportunity that I have experienced as a gay man, we as a whole are in trouble. Thirteen-year-old kids are killing themselves after being tortured for being, seeming, or acting gay. These kids are suffering in ways that most of us can’t even understand to the point where they are throwing away the rest of their lives before they’re even old enough to know what the rest of their lives can look like.
While politicians bicker over the right to marry, or the right to serve one’s country, these kids are carrying the weight of the debate personally on their shoulders. These are the students who aren’t being allowed to go to prom. These are the students who need to change schools because they’re not being given the space to figure out who they are. These are the kids who are feeling so ostracized and isolated that they can’t see that change is coming within their lifetimes if only they are brave enough to keep living.
Seth Walsh, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas – they were KIDS before they were news stories.
I hope that many of you have been able to watch this call for action from Ellen, and that even more of you have seen one of the many videos collected for Dan Savage’s It Gets Better project – both addressing the need to change perceptions in order to save these lives and show a generation that we can do better and that we WILL do better.
It was my intention to make a video to add to the collection. I wanted to tell people that I understand how hard it is to be someone that you’re not just to survive the school system. I wanted to tell people how my family created the foundation of trust, acceptance, and respect that let me flourish over the past 25 years. I wanted to tell people that after high school you get to be friends with all the pretty girls and find out that all the assholes who bullied you have tiny dicks and will work at gas stations for the rest of their lives. I wanted to say ANYTHING in order to keep these kids from going down the path that they’re on today.
But when it came down to it, I couldn’t get the words out. Instead, I just stood in front of the camera, out of breath and puffy eyed, overwhelmed by how wrong all of this truly is. And so, like every other time in my life where I haven’t had the strength to make sense of the world, my incredible parents agreed to stand in, once again helping in their own simple, honest, and profound way:
0:07 – My coming out story
2:27 – On telling the rest of the family
4:24 – On coping with negativity
5:25 – What people need to know
[Update: Check out what some close blogger friends of mine are also doing to help the cause.]
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My comment is an anecdote: I was fortunate enough to inadvertently hang out at Disneyland during Gay Days, which I didn’t know existed until I got there. I saw so many gay and lesbian couples walk around the park hand in hand, and groups of friends just being friends, and even more importantly, kids getting to be themselves in public. I felt so proud of the younger couples who were brave enough to declare it in public.
It made me hopeful for the future. If Disneyland during that day was any indication of the global acceptance that’s possible, I have to believe it does get better. It can get better because it’s possible.
All that’s left is the work assigned to spreading the message of acceptance. This post gives us a head start, Ben.
Nico – you just blow me away. That’s such a great memory and I’m so happy you shared it. And in other news, I love that there’s one particular day where Disneyland gets even gayer
Disneyland has a day. Disney World has an entire week.
That’s almost too good to handle!
what people need to realize is that the jerks who tease and treat others like shit end up floating from dead end job to dead end job and have crappy relationships because they’re assholes. in the real world, those of us who were relentlessly bullied are the ones who are strong enough to make a difference. we’re the ones who succeed.
it gets better.
and, here’s a spoiler alert for any kid feeling like he or she doesn’t have a friend in the world:
we are stronger for having survived bullies. and we win in the end.
Amen. From my perspective, everyone feels like shit during school. The bullies feel just as shitty as the victims. But, the victims learn to cope and adapt and thrive in tough circumstances. The bullies, on the other hand, just learn that they can push people around which only lasts long enough for them to end up in jail with a 300lb same-sex lover named Bunny.
I like my definition of karma the most.
Ben, you and your parents are amazing. Thank you guys for having the courage to make such an AMAZING video. I have a few gay friends who have gone through this and I have walked one of them in particular, through a particular tough time….
Thanks Mel for sticking by your friend. I’ve done it for others and they’ve done it for me. It’s that sort of support that will make a difference, one person at a time.
Thanks for taking the time to write, film and post this. I linked to it on my blog.
I appreciate your help in spreading the word!
Just when I thought I couldn’t love and support this blog any more. Just when I thought you couldn’t be more poignant.
Giant standing ovation, darling.
Well why don’t you come over here and make out about it?!
Sorry…it has been a long day. I’m overwhelmed. I needed to make a sassy, kissy joke.
Thanks very much for posting this. Seeing that there are people like this out there means an awful lot to someone who hasn’t found anyone yet. Suppose I’ll keep looking.
Absolutely keep looking…it’ll be worth the search.
I love you, Ben.
Gay, not gay, I don’t give a shit.
You’re amazing, hilarious, successful, smart, charming, Canadian, and an incredible friend. That’s all that matters to me, and that’s all that should matter to everyone else.
You forgot good-looking.
How could you do that?
Oh. My bad. I always feel like “good looking” and “charming” go together. They both get in my pants.
Ah-mazing again Ben. This post literally brought tears to my eyes. And your parents are fantastic. Which is probably why you are too!
Thanks dudette – they deserve all the credit for anything good that I end up doing.
Hey Ben,
I watched this over on vimeo and it’s great! I left a comment over there to tell you the volume is really low (but it may be my computer).
Anyway, thank you for writing this and thanks to your parents for sharing your family’s story. I hope that with all the action in response to this epidemic, the world will change. Afterall, we are all human. End of story.
Much love,
Erica
I’d say try headphones. I was going to try upping the volume but for some clips it’s okay, and others it’s not. I just couldn’t get my head around the work involved.
Thanks for your support!
Thank you so much for your beautiful, genuine post. Your parents are beautiful people who are obviously loving and have done well raising a son that all of us adore. Having grown up with a father that is gay has given me a different perspective on all that has happened. What if my dad had been one of these boys? Think of all the potential lives they could have touched over the years. The beautiful (and not so beautiful) choices that we all make that weave an intricate life that make up this incredible world that we are all apart of. To lose one person to such a thing is tragic. Thank you for using this platform to share your story and the story of your parents with all those whose lives you have touched.
xo Auri
You’re absolutely right on all points. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective!
Moving and oh so true. “they were KIDS before they were news stories.” If only more people thought like this. These policies and debates affect actual human lives, and this fact gets lost in the dogma and politics and crap.
It does…most people can’t imagine what it’s like to watch a whole country debate what you deserve as a human being.
Well after watching that video I’m totally crying. If only the world had more people like your parents, they are amazing and lucky to have an amazing son like you.
Should have included a kleenex warning, for suresies.
Is it possible to love someone’s parents without having met them? Because wow, yours are incredible. Perfect, even.
Amazing job, Ben.
They deserve the love!
I stumbled upon this post when someone shared it through my feed reader…and I am so glad I read it, and watched the entire video. Truly wonderful; thank you for posting, and thank you to your parents for sharing their story. I want everyone I know to watch this!
I’m glad you made it over here too and thank you for spreading the word!
Amazing post Ben. Your parents are incredible.
I know they are
Do your parents run an adoption programme? Wait….is that inappropriate?
You are an incredibly awesome person, whether you’re gay or not. That is all. xx
They have their hands full with just my brother and I
I can see why you would feel so emotionally raw about this subject. I feel emotional about it because gay rights are about HUMAN rights and we should all fight for them.
Your parents are just so amazing and if only all young gay people had someone in their lives like them the world would be a better place.
I hope that the It Gets Better project saves lives. I honestly think that it will.
i am so glad you’ve contributed.
Thanks Kez – I completely agree. This is about human beings and we need to be more sensitive about the consequences.
Your parents are awesome!
Also, I’m really glad that you (and a lot of my gay real life friends) are making videos for this project. I don’t know what it’s like to be gay or to have been harassed growing up, so I can’t speak to that, but I do know that my life would be a much less interesting, fun, hilarious, exciting and colourful place without my gay/lesbian/bisexual friends and if their message can reach just one person and allow just one in the next generation of straight girls to have an equally enriched life as I’ve had, then I’m excited for the generation that’s to come.
Preach it, girl!
if only the tortured souls who felt they had no other choice could just have a conversation with adults like your parents, what a difference it would make.
your parents are all kinds of amazing, thank you to them for sharing their insight and thank you to YOU for putting it out there.
These are the kinds of conversations that are being lost amidst political campaigns, bigoted hate, and loud-mouthed bullies. I really do hope that what we’re doing changes the tides.
And now we know why you turned out so wonderful – great work Mom & Dad Boudreau! Hugs to you, Ben – you rock and are a shining example of just how fabulous we human beings can be – regardless of our sexual preferences!
Thanks Stace!
I starred this post in my Reader since I was at work with hopes that I’d eventually remember to come back and watch the video. I’m so glad I did. You’re parents are amazing and I just want to give your mom the biggest hug.
The world needs more people like your parents.
I’m glad you remembered to come back too
Your parents are amazing. And so are you. Thanks for doing this.
That means a lot, thank you!
I LOVE your parents. They’re fantastic.
They really, really, really are!
I recall my brother’s coming out – about 20 yrs ago. It was like “well, yeah, we sort of thought…” More a relief than anything because it was finally acknowledged and that seemed right. It’s never been a difficult thing in the family, although I think my parents – being of an older generation and CAtholic – might have experienced some cognitive dissonance. But they’re accepting in their own way. That said, they had an ugly divorce so they weren’t really in a position to make judgements on lifestyles of any of us.
We recently attended my bother’s wedding – leave it to my little gay bro to have the first traditional wedding in our family!
I can’t imagine the pain and suffering of those kids – my heart was weeping as I saw Ellen’s message.
It really means a lot that you’d share this story! While there are challenges for gay people today, I’m sure there were a whole range of different challenges for people twenty years ago, forty years ago, and more. I’m so glad you have a happy wedding story to cap it all off!
I have A LOT OF EMOTIONS right now and it is hard to put them into words, but what I can say is you clearly come from quite the amazing line of Boudreaus. Props to you all.
I’ve been struggling with A LOT OF EMOTIONS for a few days now. I so know how you feel. At least some of the times.
My college did an event yesterday, called You Are Loved. We chalked inspiring messages in front of our student union in support of the LGBT community and in memory of the 7 gay boys who committed suicide.
I chose you for the versatile blogger award.
Go to:
http://icanhascatboy.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-won-award-woo.html
to recieve it.
That’s so awesome! I’m so glad to hear about the great things that communities are doing out there to show support and make change a reality.
You have beautiful, wonderful parents!!!
I hope that when my partner and I have children we will be as cool as yours x x
I hope the same thing for me when I finally grow up a bit haha
Ps That made me tear up a little and you all are amazing human beings x x
Aw thank you!
I got to this site accidentally via hyperboleandahalf and it was by far the greatest thing to happen on the internet…since i discovered porn. I LOVE THIS.
Yes! Better than porn! I’m awesome!
7 gay boys committed suicide? Are you shitting me??? I always used to think that when it came to fighting prejudices and safeguarding human rights, that the first world nations would be ahead of the pack. I never thought that South Africa instead of the US would be one of the first countries to recognise gay marriages.
Also I love your mom. She’s so adorable.
Exactly. None of this makes any sense, does it?
Ben, your parents raised an amazing kid. I strive to be that kind of parent so that my kids will also grow up to be amazing.
PS: I don’t have a lot of time to read blogs anymore, but I miss you! I shared your parent’s video on Facebook so that hopefully others will share it too.
Thank you so, so much. I miss YOU. Except not, because I read your every day still. Royalty is not to be ignored
I know it seems as if we’ve stepped back in time 50 years, and it frightens me but together, we can work to right the wrongs. Keep the faith, dear Ben. (And quit promising to kiss the girls! Such empty promises. Didn’t I teach you anything?!)
You taught me plenty – isn’t this all proof of that?! haha
Ben, your parents are fantastic, you’re fantastic, and this whole post is fantastic. Got a little choked up.
Thanks lady…that means a lot!
Ben, I’m completely knackered by how lovely and supportive your parents are. Your mom’s reaction to your coming out story reminds me of a friend’s story – we became friends in college and I never really gave much thought to his sexuality – he didn’t seem overtly gay or straight, he just was.
One day, he said he really needed to talk to me, so I said okay. At that point, I’m thinking, “This is a dude and when a dude says he needs to talk, it’s usually to tell me he has feelings for me. This is not going to be good.” So I picked up the phone, wondering how I could possibly say I didn’t feel that way about him without destroying our friendship. He whispered something, which me in my terrific deafness couldn’t understand, so I asked him to repeat it. So he said it again, in a slightly louder voice.
“I’m gay.”
I said, “Oh thank god.” I was the first person he came out to.
I’m devastated by how many of these kids are taking their lives. I hope more and more parents and growing adults are like your parents, and encourage their kids/friends/family members to flourish, rather than to disintegrate. Much hugs.
More people need to think of those moments with the kind of respect and appreciation that you have. Wouldn’t that be nice?
You know Ben, its rare I get serious about something. But I will about this. I am a straight white male, so I have gotten that “what do you know?!” phrase about gender issues or race issues or even sexuality issues. Its true. I DON’T know, and I don’t pretend to know. What I do know is that people should be loved for who they are and regardless of who they are. Having been surrounded by straight white males my entire life, you can just imagine some of the things I have heard or seen. Regardless, I’m honored to call you my friend, even if I have never met you in real life. And if I did ever meet you in real life, I would just hope I could at least seperate you for long enough to get a bro hug and an introduction before your rabid female fanbase pulls you back in.
It makes me sad to see that things are still happening with a generation younger than us. I was certain that most of this would go away by the time I closed in on 30. I guess that was just wishful thinking, but I am more than happy to do anything I can for anyone that may be going through what these kids were.
Hey buddy and thanks for weighing in. I don’t think at this point people should be wasting their time determining who does and doesn’t have the right to speak out about these issues. Everyone, at some point in their lives, has been made to feel worse by someone else. EVERYONE. No matter who you are, what you look like, where you come from, or who you hang out with, this is something that everyone can understand. I think that’s the biggest point to make – it’s not a gay issue, it’s not a straight issue, it’s a global issue that needs to change.
And seriously? I hate geography, I hate airlines, I hate any scientist who hasn’t been helping to develop teleporters. Because this whole not being able to meet people that I do genuinely consider friends thing? SHIT FUCK ROTTEN is what it is.
i am so behind on this ben, but i absolutely adore this post and you and your parents and just everything this post conveys. seriously you are amazing.
Thanks Katelin!
Absolutely perfect post. I only just found this blog, but I had to comment on this.
I feel like this issue is one that is just so hard to squash because so many people have this hate in them that they’re just feeding their children, without even realizing it. They’ll tell their children “Don’t be mean to other kids.” outright, yet talk about how being gay is a disgusting sin or how blacks are nothing but thieves or women are sluts or whatever their prejudice is.. and expect their kids not to absorb that.
ADULTS need to start changing their worldview and then their kids will follow suit. We have to change ourselves before we can change our kids. Hopefully that is something that we can accomplish in our lifetimes. If we can get people to be half as loving as your parents seem to be, I think we’ll be okay.
And again.. thanks for this post. <3
Hey Courtney and thanks for your wonderful comment. You’re absolutely right – we have to start looking at the sources that foster this sort of harmful prejudice. Parenting, media coverage, pop culture – it’s all contributing to where we’re heading. It’s time to do some readjusting!
I have many gay male friends and honestly, I love them more then my straight male friends and even my female friends. When I go out with them and other men want to start being arseholes, I will step in and tell them to STFU … You are all still people and deserve to be treated as such. It makes me sick to think that because you’re gay you are a freak. What about those catholic priests who hurt children, they are more of a freak then anyone being gay …
I admire anyone brave enough to come out and admit they are of a specific sexual preference that is not considered acceptable in societies eyes. All the power to you. And if I were to have a son and he told me he was gay, I would love him just the same and educate him about how cruel life can get …
I loved this post
Hopefully by the time you have kids, you won’t have to worry about some of the cruelty going on today!
That was just so beautiful – thank you.
Like so many, I’ve been left reeling with scandalised shock by the recent deaths; I’d assumed we lived in a kinder, more reasonable world. It’s valuable to realise that despite hatred and bigotry, love and understanding and support are still present and real.
I cried a little as I watched the video. Your parents are beautiful, and I hope that my own dad reacts as kindly and simply as your mom and dad. I’m having this strange realisation that coming out isn’t one moment, but an endless succession of finding ways of letting the people who matter know, and accepting the new burden of the fact that many will now see me as representing a whole population. I don’t want to stand for any cause ALL the time, you know? I just want to chance to be fully who I am.
Sorry for the rant – I just wanted to thank you and your beautiful family for a message I needed to hear. x
Rants are always welcome here
Thank you for doing this, Ben. So, so, so much. I watched it at work and was crying by the end of your video. Your parents are so supportive and wonderful and encouraging… and I hope that someone who is struggling watches this video and knows it does get better. Because it does… no matter who you are.
Major hugs. You are SO brave.
I don’t have to be all that brave anymore considering the amazing people I have all around me. Now it’s just about using the security I have through my family, friends, and all of you guys to help other people, I guess!
What a terrific post and I like you statement on how you turn to your parents when things get rough. That is awesome. You are a stellar person. Oh and uhmmm, you look so much like you mom!! My first born also looks a lot like me. Okay totally unrelated comment.
That’s one vote for Mom, 1793258302 votes for I look like my Dad.
Way to balance the scales
Hey, something is wrong with your site in Opera, you should check into it.
Thanks for the heads up – the look for Opera is pretty low priority for me, to be honest, but I’ll check it out to see what the situation is!
I read this entry a few weeks ago on my mobile feed reader and didn’t want to miss the video, so I’ve been keeping it unread. My almost-one-year-old son doesn’t allow me much time to sit at the computer, and so I finally got a chance to catch up on some things, and I watched this today. I don’t even know what to say, but I want you to know I am standing in solidarity for the cause. For anti-bullying and anti-hate and pro-rights and pro-love and pro-people. I think your writing here is passionate and powerful and your parents convey such a strong message of steady, matter-of-fact love and acceptance. This is what will change the world.
Thanks Amy – it really means a lot that you took the time to come back and check it out!
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