As many of you know, uh…because you were there, I just got back from a weekend in Chicago with ohhhh about ONE HUNDRED OTHER BLOGGERS IN THEIR TWENTIES. And for once I’m actually using a number appropriately instead of just choosing one at random to emphasize a hyperbolic amount of things or choosing a different number at random to convince the newf I paid less for something than I actually did.
“These jeans right here? Oh, I’d say about $7.50 with taxes? You think they look expensive? Ha! See? I tricked you with my thrifty tomfoolery!”
I had pretty much the best weekend a blogger could ask for: I was surrounded by pretty women all day and all night whilst hanging out in Chicago which just so happens to be filled with obnoxiously attractive men. SHOCKING amounts of attractive men. Like, so many attractive men that I don’t even know how Chicago women get anything done besides kegels.
Coming home meant instantly going from SO! MUCH! CONSTANT! STIMULATION! to an empty house for five days while the newf vacations in Florida. This is relevant for a couple of reasons.
First, it has never been more clear how much I need that kid.
Over the past five years, I have basically delegated everything that I am not capable of doing, not interested in doing, or find even remotely efforty to him. Which is fine–relationships work best with shared responsibilities especially when the bulk of those responsibilities aren’t yours. However, my LIFE does not work when the person I’ve outsourced 70% of my daily basic needs to suddenly leaves and spends all day texting me “HAAAAY! POOLSIDE AGAIN! OMG! MISS YOU!” instead of fixing all of my problems with enough time saved before bed to stroke my hair and tell me I’m smart and pretty and funny and everyone likes me.
You know what’s better than midnight swims and cocktails? Telling me how to make the Check Engine light go away because my solution involves electrical tape and turning a blind eye until I end up dead in a ditch. Basically when serious things like that need to be addressed, I use the Final Destination theory to relieve myself of responsibility: if death wants me, it’ll get me whether I get that fixed or not. Probably in 3D!
Second, alone time is my version of crack. I’m not one of those people who needs to be around others at all times.
After a weekend of just trying to keep up with the one-liners while simultaneously trying to avoid moments where you say something and immediately hear someone shout “OMG! OVERHEARD!” and post it to Twitter, frankly I needed to have a couple of days to hermit the fuck out. But unlike most people who eventually end up just craving human interactions, I just start to go to a particularly juicy crazyplace where I feel like I’m above social interactions, like I can just handle myself and be perfectly fine forever and ever amen.
And that’s about when the ‘at home by myself’ theme days start…
Yep. I start acting not like a person…but like a MOVEMENT. Everything I do becomes A Thing that I’m convinced people either do when they’re by themselves, or would do if they knew how awesome it was.
For example, yesterday I spent all day working in these (safe for work depending on what you’re doing while looking at it…). Tonight, on the other hand, will be marked by a Glee singalong event that I’ve loosely scheduled for 10pm. Who knows–tomorrow might be Eat Eggs And Eggs Alone Day. My life is so full of whimsy that I don’t have tiiiime for petty human interactions!
“You want to grab coffee? Sorry…I’m in the middle of Will & Grace Day. I’ve been looking forward to this since last night. I’d say tomorrow, but it’s looking like I’m going to be awfully busy reshaping my eyebrows for the end of the week Spa-tacular. Maybe after next week’s Colour Wars?”
All this is to say, I need the newf to come home now. If for no other reason than I need someone to tell me to stop dressing in costume and that determining a ‘theme food of the day’ is neither fun nor nutritious.
And for that car thing. I feel like that might be important.
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
Hahaha, I can relate. My hubby used to work away every second week (fly in fly out jobs in the resource factor are big around here…yada yada).
I would get into my “on my own” routine (in between clubbing with the girls) where I could do the dishes every second day, eat breakfast for dinner, live on spaghetti for four days straight and (no-one around to whinge about how boring that is) and watch marathon sessions of my favourite shows/chick flicks. By the time he got back I had morphed into some kind of eccentric.
I would then need him to change lightbulbs and do scary “man” things for me. What? i adapted to living in a dark bathroom for a whole week? No biggie.
Sadly, if that were our situation? I would have died three years ago…
just gotta say… i spent the last month or so… at work… reading your entire blog backwards and i adore you! you’re me except male and gay and canadian and if ms. kelly ever comes to los angeles you are more than welcome to come stay at my house and drink wine and eat cheese and play dress up with glittery sparkly things that look tres classy after a box of pinot grig
I always have a little panic when someone says they’ve read the whole thing…
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO APOLOGIZE FOR OR BE EMBARRASSED OF!
THERE’S TOO MUCH TO CHOOSE FROM!
Also…just as a general note to the world:
The Britney Spears video was Stronger.
Duh.
I’m the same with Dave. 100%
I need to stop speaking in hashtags #ASAP
I need you to move to New York. With the dogs. And the newf.
Also, I almost spit out my drink to this “Like, so many attractive men that I don’t even know how Chicago women get anything done besides kegels.”
And I mean this, not THIS.
Ahhhahaha are you sure it’s not THIS?
THIS IS SO CONFUSING!
No wait…’this’ IS SO CONFUSING!
As I was reading through this I was all “OMG YES THE KEGEL THING! I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT BUT I AM SO GOOD AT THOSE SO THANK YOU ATTRACTIVE CHICAGO MEN!”
And then I read the rest of it and realized that the entire thing is so effing hilarious that I couldn’t only comment on that.
I’m so glad we got to hang out this weekend FINALLY and I hope my cool factor was good enough for you. Thank you for not walking away from me, or at least not doing it noticeably.
<3
Awwwww you’re TEH CUTEST EVEN WHEN YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT VAGINA SPASMS!
I usually ignore any car-type problems by turning the radio louder… Makes everything go away.
But it’s a light! Shining in my face! All the time!
My mom had a solution for that – the seatbelt light blinked at her so she took a little card with Jesus’ picture on it and wedged it between the plastic to hide that little blinking bitch light.
Maybe that’ll help… or you could use a picture of Kelly Clarkson?
I love your variation on it. MUCH better.
I already told Chris that if he ever left me the way I’m constantly leaving him to travel solo, I wouldn’t make it even one night in the apartment alone and would house some sort of slumber party with my girlfriends so I wouldn’t have to be alone or I’d find somewhere else to go. Codependent much? I also barely got dressed this week.
Dressing is for the weak and people with something to hide.
Not us beautiful, strong people.
I guess?
I am an Army wife. Army wives have this in common… Shit doesn’t break until he deploys! I’m glad you only have to wait a week!! Good luck!!
Right. So this comment made me kind of check myself before I wrecked myself. Like…am I seriously the one to complain about having to be by myself when there are people like you going through much worse?
Terrible. I’m terrible.
So sorry! I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad! My hubby has been home for awhile now so its all good in my world. It was more of a solidarity thing…like…I totally understand what you are going through with the car thing! True story, I had to look up how to change the windshield wiper blades on my car when I was home alone for a couple month…in the Netherlands…where it literally rains 250 days a year. Me and howto.com are GOOD FRIENDS! Again…I don’t think you are terrible!
Hahaha oh don’t worry, I know where you were coming from. I was just all, ‘god I’m whiney.’ Where in the Netherlands were you?? I lived on Texel for three years!
I lived in a TINY town called Amstenrade. We were just a couple hours from Amsterdam. It was the Tri-Border area where Germany, The Netherlands and Belgium met…yay for beer!!
Ha! This sounds like when Dan is out of town. He has handled a lot while I was in grad school (and even after, whatever). A lot of chores, cooking, laundry, etc. If he leaves me? The house kind of falls apart because I don’t know what to do with it or where to start.
Kind of sad, actually. :p
Hahahaha oh totally. My codependency has reached crippling levels too. I’d rather not think about the alternative.
what is up…AGAIN
I do this thing, where I constantly check the blogs I follow an insane amount of times in one day because I’m convinced I will miss something. Of course I don’t ever want to miss something juicy! Usually nothing ever changes. BUT YAY it did today, ALAS ALAS. dipaadeeeedo.
loved hearing about your time in Chicago!!!!!!
Well jeez…you got lucky then! I’ve BARELY updated the blog this entire year but you managed to catch me on a re-energized blog bender! Whoooowhoooo!
You’re fucking adorable. We miss and need our significant others for various reasons. I too, love my alone, “me” time but too much of a good thing can make us all a little wonky. Generally makes me say weird things and I spend more time talking to the TV… you know, participating in drama on the Jersey Shore: “oh no Ronny did not just say that!!” These interactions some how seem more important on the baring of my day (and theirs… they can hear me, of course).
Point being, these other men in our lives remind us to be normal, functioning members of society, vice our alter-weirder egos.
Um TOTALLY. Somehow I’ve lost my checkpoint that keeps me from blowing up into some strange entity of internet jokes and dizzying momentum without direction.
Chicago has an abundance of hot men? Really? I think I’ve found my next holiday destination.
The boyfriend is outta town? Hmmm this explains why you didn’t call him for help yesterday after you locked yourself out.
Um yes and yes.
“Like, so many attractive men that I don’t even know how Chicago women get anything done besides kegels.” I’m like the third person to point out the awesomeness of this line, but that’s because it’s so awesome.
I’m still offended Jenn referred to Renee’s “small world” dude (I forgot his name, I was more concerned with his…everything else) as a troll. Rude.
Lovely to hang with you – let’s do it again soon. You can bring the Newf to Texas when it’s like -8 jillion (see what I did there?) in Halifax and like 50 in Dallas!
Ummm…how about we just keeping meeting in the middle? I feel like neither of our hometowns really boast ideal conditions
This is why being single is overrated. Sure, you do what you want but day to day life is all efforty without a husband.
Who buys you designer purses and handlez yo’ bills? Who takes you out to dinner & on vacations? Who fixes things & takes out the trash?
Actually, everything I just described could be achieved by a high class call girl living in a security building. Things to ponder.
A point well taken…
Heh, the “tell me I’m pretty” thing happens a lot with my partner and I, though no hair stroking because it takes time to be this beautiful. Usually when we are watching TV, someone cute comes on the screen, and he somehow psychically knows that I’m going to ask him if I’m cuter than he who just appeared on the screen. The answer is of course, automatically yes. No thinking. Reflex!
Your blog is by far one of the best! I always look forward to getting to see a new installment. <3
You’ve trained him to the point of instinctual compliments?
AMAZING. You should teach classes.
Sometimes, all I have to do is turn my head. Of course, the best was one time after I asked him , he actually told me that, and I quote, “There has never been anyone more attractive than you, or at this moment. Nor will there be anyone else in the future.”
Although I still have some issues when Jude Law or Hugh Jackman is involved. Or Benjamin from Sous la Soleil, but that’s another story entirely.
You are truly a Queen among Queens!
You are not alone, Ben! I have certainly been known to turn down dinner/drinks/movies with friends because “I’ve been looking so forward to watching every modern British crime movie I own (which is like four if you count Green Street Hooligans, which you shouldn’t), drinking ale and talking to myself in a really terrible Cockney accent since like 10 this morning!” Besides, sometimes you just need to eat Nutella for every meal! This is what is awesome about the combination of working from home and boyfriends who go out of town!
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