I could be a mommy blogger

As always, a member of the Spears family got me seriously thinking about my life.

There she is at age 17 with a brand new baby. When asked what it was like to see her baby daddy hold the kid, she said: “It was the coolest thing ever”. Well put.

You know what that makes me think? I could be a pretty rockin’ dad. Mainly because I wouldn’t say things like “my kid is sick”, but in saying that actually mean that my kid is super neato rather than ill (which apparently can also mean super neato). Plus I’ve already been trusted with the care of hundreds of kids over the five years that I was a camp counselor and none of them died or broke bones or discovered that Santa wasn’t real.

The worst thing that happened was when I repeatedly thought that a girl was a boy. Her name was Sam and she had a short haircut. How was I to know? Okay…after the first time that I asked whether she and her sister were “brother and sister” and she said no maybe I should have eased off. But ohhhhhh no….

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me, you two with the same last name that were dropped off by the same Mom. ARE YOU BROTHER AND SISTER? Does anybody know if they’re brother and sister? Is that her BROTHER or not?? That boy…right there…why isn’t he answering me? SAM!!”

I wanted to die afterwards. Although probably not as much as poor Sam.

Seriously, lots of people who are a lot crazier than I have managed to keep babies alive and only one of them has turned into Charles Manson. The odds are good for me right? And really, aren’t kids just like puppies that talk, cost more and can’t be caged (unless no one finds out)?

Besides, all the mommy blogggers sound like they’re having a good time. Crissy still gets to curse, yell at people, and reign proudly over the world. Rachel still gets to blog about sex and I bet you her kid is old enough to carry her stuff. And don’t try to tell me that Leta Armstrong is not the coolest. You never run out of solid gold posts when you have a kid!

My parents managed to keep two children alive even without all the online forums, help books, seminars and fetal alcohol syndrome awareness (bahaha kidding…sorry parents er…sorry to myself actually…damn). Actually, after the trial run (sorry older brother), I turned out AWESOME (please note adorable picture of baby Ben above. That’s a White Russian in my glass if you were wondering).

But then again, there are times that Calvin is snuggled up next to me while I’m working and have one of my many genius breakthroughs, flailing my arms wildly in celebration. This often results in him getting elbowed in the face…or thrown off the couch…or embarrassed to be seen with me. At least two of these things probably shouldn’t happen to babies.

To be honest, despite the content of this post, I have no interest in having children yet. I’m not mature, selfless or willing to put up with crying yet. I mainly wrote this to scare the crap out of my Mom who would really prefer not having to deal with babies again. But isn’t it weird to think that many of our parents were up to their elbows in poop at our age?

Love you mommy and daddy. Hope you are both satisfied with my puppy child for now.