Everyone has seen The Muppet Family Christmas, yes?
The one where the Muppets all get snowed in and then the Sesame Street Gang shows up and is all, ‘what you doin’ on our turf, homes?’ and then the Fraggles show up and are all, ‘we’re the C-list celebrity squatters* in your basement and we can only afford to regift the same pebble over and over!’ and then little frog is all, ‘that’s weird but so is my surprisingly feminine personality and voice!’ and then Miss Piggy shows up and jumps Kermit’s bones who was finally starting to relax knowing that she was going to freeze to death and could never touch him again leaving him feeling used and smelling slightly of pancetta?
Well, in that movie, 12734 people slip and fall on the icy patch at the front door and it’s funny EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Muppet 1: “Watch out for the icy patch!”
Muppet 2 through 12735: “Whaaaaa-?” *SLAM.*
Ben: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHABAHAHAHA! BAHAAHAHAH! GAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! PASSTHEBAILEYSHAHAHAHA! NOREALLYGIVEITHAHAHA! ANDTHEBRIEANDCRACKERSTOOYOUHOGGINGSONOFAHAHAHAHA! JUSTPASSTHEWHOLETRAYFORCRYINGOUTLOUDHA!”
So – this year I decided that I wanted my own version of the icy patch. Since I would get straight up sued by the postal service and the Mormons if I went Home Alone-style and made an icy patch on my front step, I took a different yet effective approach.
1) Create holiday cheer as pulled directly from Crafty Bitch With Too Much Time On Her Hands Magazine.
2) Succeed after one hour, four drinks and three shallow flesh wounds.
3) Realize the only suitable placement for said Crafty Genius is in a high traffic zone and will inconvenience many on a daily basis.
4) Power through.
5) Listen to the curse words of which neither the Baby Jesus nor Santa Claus would approve of every few hours when someone opens the door to let the dogs in.
6) Get sad when you realize they’re actually smashing what you made.
7) Pick a fight about how someone ruined Christmas for everyone.
Sit alone at the kitchen table, piecing your creation back together just like you piece together your emotions with cheese trays.
*The Fraggles are my absolute favourite. I have season one on DVD and actually yelled at the newf when he brought it into school to watch with his first graders.