Hi Kelly Clarkson.

Can I call you Kelly?

Okay – Kelly Clarkson it is.

(I love you)

What? Who said that?! What a stalker…some people are freaks….

(No really…I love you…)

Remember that time that I adored you and kinda wanted to just play with your hair all day long? Yeah….still the case. Unfortunately you never responded to my business proposal to join your entourage as the token fag-bangle that shows that a powerhouse from the south can still be down with the ‘mos.

The offer still stands and I think you should really consider it. I mean…look at Miss California.

But really, can we talk about your hair and how awesome it is these days? You are ALL hair. I’m pretty sure it rocks so hard that it defies the laws of physics. Well done. I actually asked my hairdresser to give me ‘the Kelly’ tonight but she said no. I sang a rather foul-mouthed rendition of My Life Would Suck Without You in protest but I’m afraid it only got me removed from the premises before my cut was finished.

It’s cool though…I’ll just pretend it’s edgy while I work on growing out my bangs to match yours.

I’ll get there, Kelly. Don’t think I won’t.

I think we also need to discuss the new mancandy in your I Do Not Hook Up music video. Now Kelly, who do you think you’re fooling? You do not hook up? Please….I have a hot male model making out with you in your video that begs to differ. Not that I’m judging – it’s about time you used your popstardom for some video booty to make up for that Justin Guarini business.

Do you two still keep in touch?

Also…can you tell your video guy that I Do Hook Up and can be quite discrete?

Just kidding.

…

Ish.

And yes, I know, it’s kinda silly that I’m blogging to you instead of just contacting you directly. You know that there are only three degrees of separation between us now? I know someone who is best friends with your back-up singers. If THAT’s not enough reason for you to just be my best friend already, I don’t know WHAT is.

Oh – what do you think about giving me a personalized, secret shout-out at the end of all of your performances? You know like those key phrases that newscasters will say sometimes to reach out to their sick grandparents and stuff without being all mushy and inappropriate? They’re usually very subtle and I don’t want to impose but I’d settle on something like:

“Y’ALL ARE SO SWEET! THANK YOU! EVERY BREATH I BREATHE IS FOR MY BEST FRIEND BEN BOUDREAU IN HALIFAX. I LOVE HIM AND ALL OF YOU SUCK BY COMPARISON.”

I think that would be swell.

Sooo…that’s a maybe?

Think about it.