I’ll let you mull that one over for a minute…
Of all the things that I’ve accomplished in my life, the one that continues to haunt me is this post. I am frequently – FREQUENTLY – reminded of it by friends, coworkers, and complete strangers alike.
Short version: I locked myself out of my house without shoes, socks or underwear on and ended up having to cab to the newf’s school and sit in the main office while one of his students brought up keys.
And then there was of course the time that the newf chased three wiener dogs and two mormons throughout the cul de sac wearing only a towel.
It was after these two incidents that we realized something must be up. How is it that two university-educated, intelligent, young professionals both manage to come very close to unintentionally breaking several laws in front of unsuspecting and surprisingly Christian neighbours?
Destiny – that’s how.
Ever since we narrowly avoided our own incidents of unwanted near-exposure, the powers that be (probably Buddha…I bet he’s a total perv) has been trying to right the wrong – ensuring that once and for all, our assets would be shown off for all to see, including that neighbour that sent a Christmas card addressed ONLY to the newf that said ‘Keep the Christ in Christmas’.
LOUD AND CLEAR, ASSHOLE.
His Christmas card this year will be some take on ‘Make the Yuletide Gay, Motherfucker.’
Or something.
But back to business.
The universe is clearly upping its game. This past weekend, 100% of my showers were interrupted by the doorbell ringing and me flinging my sudsy self toward the front door clutching a towel in front of the parts that keep this story from going into ‘I’ve never done this with a man before, Officer…’ territory.
And yes – I showered more than once.
I’m now torn between the constant anxiety associated with protecting my modesty and the opportunity to hold a hilariously offensive mini-Gay Pride Parade for my street which would essentially guarantee my name going down in history as the biggest (TWSS) thing to ever happen to the neighbourhood.
I bet my parents would show up to represent PFLAG.
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