Energy Bankrupt (a.k.a. I had ‘relations’ with a Greek tree).

I’ve had a bit of a revelation. You might not know it, but I’m still very much in recovery mode from the sixth month of 2010 that seemed so insistent on doing things to me that haven’t been done since Greek mythology went all bananas on just about any unlucky sap who showed up. Yeah. June made me feel like that guy who had each of his nosehairs plucked out by a rabid howler monkey for having sex with that tree that was actually a nymph that was actually one of Zeus’ wives that was actually just a tree.

I’m pretty sure that happened. Maybe it was just a regular howler monkey. Or maybe the howler monkey was actually Zeus. Or Ke$ha.

Regardless…the further I get away from Overdramatic Deathwatch 2010, the more I’m starting to feel like I’m a seasoned genius who because of his supposed hardship (read: Greek Mythological Bananas) has wisdom to share with the rest of the civilized world. Only I’m less Viet Nam Veteran and more Privileged White Homo Who Has Yet To Face Any Real Turmoil Besides Deciding Which Hand-Paddled Ice Cream To Regret After Consumption.

I’m sorry…were you scoffing? I couldn’t hear you over my housekeeper vacuuming up my filth.

(The newf is my housekeeper.)

So. Revelation. I was having coffee with my boss (who writes lovely and insightful things here and is pretty much adorbs) at work this afternoon which usually ends up looking like two people who generally have obnoxious standards for themselves and communicate almost entirely in strings of overhonest statements that probably shouldn’t be said between coworkers but whatever. These coffees often end in stunned silences and too many ideas about THE FUTURE – said of course with lightening machines, dry ice, and one of those echoey plastic microphones from the early nineties. We were talking about the agony of believing that getting a job isn’t worth it unless that job is General Manager of the Universe (a position that is held by my mother but that’s another story) and the amount of effort we tend to put into trying to accomplish just that, when I realize that the best thing I’ve done for myself in the past eight weeks was declaring myself Energy Bankrupt.

Bankrupt – legal declaration of an individual or organization’s inability to pay its creditors. Origin: England circa 1542.

Energy Bankrupt – internal acceptance of an individual’s inability to make good on the expectations placed upon him or her. Origin: This blog circa right now.

Much like being bankrupt in the financial sense, I took a minute to recognize and accept that there was absolutely no way I could continue to mismanage my attention and motivation without dire results, freeing me up to call that mess a wash, accept the consequences with dignity, and start over. And since then? Things have been fine.

Have I been able to return to the productivity I had before? No. Can I dedicate as much of my time to volunteering? No. Do I feel like every day could be the day that I take over the world? No. But hot damn do I ever feel good about what I AM accomplishing which lately is involving a lot of hot yoga, authentic relationship time (no smartphones, no distractions), and careful planning to welcome responsibilities back into my life one by one, only as I secure a foundation that protects the most important parts. Much like rebuilding a new plan for your finances after going bankrupt, I’m taking my time to make sure that my life is solid and that the areas offering the biggest, risk-free, long-term rewards are getting the largest portion of my attention.

And so, without sounding too much like I’m about to wear a cape made out of hemp and join a commune in India (I only wear capes when pretending to be a superhero whose power is sexiness…or Britney Spears), I’m happily moving forward, leaving the manscaping howler monkey and that seductive whore-tree well behind me.

Chapter closed.

[Photo Credit: Euthman]