“Oh….yeah….hey. How are you? Umm…this isn’t a great time to chat. Well no, that wouldn’t be much better. I’m really busy lately. Uhh…how about you let me call you when I’m able? Yeah, no – this weekend isn’t looking good. Alright. No, don’t call again – I’ll call you. Okay. Bye.”
Now, let’s take a minute to survey what a spouse might think if they overheard their other half having this hushed conversation on a cell phone in the kitchen. Return of the ex? Passionate affair? Married with kids in Korea?
Good guesses but no.
When I heard the newf having this conversation, I knew what was coming our way before he sheepishly returned to the living room and said: “That was my new Mormon friends.”
Remember how he disappeared conveniently for the exact length of time it took Nick and I to curl up wanting to die after making furniture? Yeah…he was in the backyard talking to the mormons about their religion – a moment he’s been waiting for FOREVER. I’m convinced it’s the only reason he wanted to move to the suburbs.
The best part is that the Mormons bailed before the newf did. HE OUT-TALKED THE MORMONS. Their conversation was pushing three hours – no joke – and then they explained how they had to keep on their route but they’d call to follow up. Mormons or not…they sure know how to play the “Of course I’ll call, beautiful. What we have is special!” card.
And so the newf felt pretty good about himself. He got to learn about something new and he also proved that he’s chattier than people that most of us hide from when we see them walking down the street. Of course we didn’t expect the Mormons to regroup and come back for round two, determined to one-up my talkative mate once and for all while I hide in the guest room with the puppies, hoping to avoid getting caught in the religious crossfire.
So now we embark on a dangerous adventure of cat and mouse since the Mormons know our address, phone number and moral flexibility.
It’s like the DaVinci Code without all the monumental revelations.
Your move, Mormons.
Bring it.
*And no…the Mormons did not look like the ones in the image/calendar linked above. False advertising sucks.