THE STORY
- This blog was last redesigned in 2008.
- I’m so bloody sick of looking at it that I might just replace the header with clip art of kitties in flowerpots and the background with animated GIFs of dancing hamsters if I have to look at it much longer. I might even make all my fonts cursive and rainbow-coloured.
- Unless I find a designer, NOR may become such a visual atrocity that readers will scratch off their own retinas and then have to drive home blind and they’ll probably hit a baby or puppy or pregnant lady on the way and families will be so sad for their beloved babypuppymommy that the world will drown in their tears.
- Are you ready to be a hero? Redesign my blog, save humanity.
- Fine. I’ll pay you. But only because Superman only designs for WordPress.
THE NEED
- A full blog redesign so good that unicorns will weep gold, solving global poverty and letting us all wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. The unicorns will then stay here so we can play with their hair and ride them to bars and stuff. Also, the unicorns poop diamonds.
- It should work in Blogger even though I know WordPress is so much better and cooler and blah blah. WordPress is too complicated for me, alright??! Is that what you wanted to hear?! FINE – I’M NOT SMART ENOUGH TO WORK IN WORDPRESS.
THE MANDATORIES
- Clean and modern.
- Flexible for moving widgets, buttons and junk around on sidebars.
- No cartoons. I have a separate blog where I try to appeal to minors. What? Nothing.
- Makes unicorns weep.*
*Unicorns to be sourced by the designer.
THE AUDIENCE
- Most of my readers are students and young professionals in their twenties and read dozens of blogs every day. Mine needs to be the valedictorian of blog designs and make the readers be all, “WTF D00D! I DON’T NEED THOSE OTHER WHACK BLOGS NOW. I’LL JUST KEEP STARING AT NOR WHILST TOUCHING MYSELF. OH NOES! MY BOSS CAUGHT ME!” *fired*.
- There is a smaller but loyal cougar contingent that I love very much because they’re always concerned for my well-being and optimistic, not like those bitchfaced twenty-somethings that are always judging me for listening to Bedrock and junk.
- I may not have an audience anymore after the ‘cougar contingent’ and ‘bitchfaced’ comments. So maybe just don’t worry about it.
NEXT STEPS
- Designers: Flip me an email if you’re interested.
- Non-designers: Tell your designer friends and brace yourself for change.
- Unicorns: Come hang out. I promise not to put you in chains and never let you leave.*
*My fingers are crossed so by middle school law, you’re totally fucked.
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
I just quoted the part about the unicorns weeping gold and pooping diamonds in an e-mail to my boss. Does that count as stealing? If so, before you prong me with your rusty fork, we should at least go out for Mexican food.