Click through, Google-reading bitches.

That’s right. If I’m going to invest in an internet orgasm for you to feast your eyes on, you had better goddamn click over and see it. And I don’t just mean today. Every single crumb of a post I toss at your feet should trigger a dizzying urge to stop whatever you’re doing – work, sex, making picnik collages of your cats – and writhe around in your undies under the glow of the computer screen as you imagine each word caressing your face and telling you everything is going to be okay until you cry a single tear of delirious euphoria.

HUMILITY IS FOR THE WEAK!

But seriously. The new site’s beautiful, innit?

About the tagline…it was chosen because it was a) funny, b) true, and c) short enough to not make my designer smash her face into the computer screen unlike some of the other contenders. Basically, on the gay scale from ‘had a Devil’s Threeway once after winning the football game‘ to ‘invented anal sex backstage at an N*Sync concert‘, I fall in the pleasantly entertaining yet unoffensive to the senses mid-range – somewhere around ‘likes to hate people just for sport but won’t feel up your husband when he’s drunk‘. See? Juuuust enough.

An added plus is that it made my parents uncomfortable – my parents who are just fine with me roasting goat cheese stuffed baby pears, wrapped in bacon for them over brunch before going out clothes shopping with my mom (i.e. couldn’t be higher on the gay scale unless I bought a matching dress), but who are apparently not as fine about communicating such lifestyles so blatantly to internet strangers. Stop with the picksies-choosies, family! If they didn’t hate crime me before, they won’t hate crime me now…..I think.

Regardless of the tagline, though, nothing is really changing around these parts besides the look of the joint. I will solemnly swear, though, that this will not become a gay propaganda website just because it has the G-word in the header. But wouldn’t it be just a little bit awesome if it DID become a gay propaganda website?

WHEN YOU WEAR CHUNKY HEELS THE BABY JESUS CRIES. WHEN YOU GET A MOM BOB BEFORE THE AGE OF 40 THE TERRORISTS WIN. SLEEPING WITH MEMBERS OF THE SAME SEX IS THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK AT YOUR ABSENT FATHER*.

Point. Made.

Basically all this is just to say that my blog is now sexier than yours and neither it, nor I, nor The Gay are going anywhere. Click around, check out the new pages, and let me and the girls from Shatterboxx** know what you think. Only if it’s good stuff though. I’m sensitive.

Just kidding…I’m not sensitive. I’ll just kill you if you say anything negative.

Seriously. CUT CUT CUT.

Watch yourself.

*My father was not absent, don’t worry. My mom just coddled me too much. Be that a lesson to the rest of you.

**Nicole and Jamie were beyond awesome. What other designer would use “SOMETHING! SOMETHING! KELLY CLARKSON! ANAL!” as your placeholder post title? HUGE thanks to them for everything.