Small dog in big world with many cozy spaces that do not allow access for humans? Trouble.
You see, because I am not a heinous bitch like some of the people in my apartment building, I bring Calvin to my folks’ place up the street when I can’t be here to make sure he’s being quiet. He goes in his crate and gets increasingly pissed off at me sleeps until I get back.
Lately, I have had to do this almost daily because I am incredibly busy and important (false). Knowing the diabolical brain capacity of a dachshund, I should have seen this all coming. I should have tried to fake him out more, to keep him on his toes. But no. I didn’t.
Yesterday I had to drop him off rather than bring him to the social media meet-up and pretend he’s an unfortunate looking niche-blogger. We get to the house, he sees my brother, gets mad that he still exists, and crawls underneath the very low sofa. Which is exactly where he stayed for a very long time, spooning a backgammon set while mocking me and wagging his tail.
Don’t worry, I lit a small brushfire to scare him out, at which point I starved him for four days so that he’d learn not to hide from me.
The newf is making me finally attempt to get him back on regular food. I am dreading this because it undoubtedly means 212 trips outside on a daily basis. However, the $60 bags of food are getting a bit ridiculous so we’re going to try fish-based to start.
Also, his playtime has become even more vigorous leaving his teddy bear amputated and his snuggletoy rocking back in the corner of his therapist’s room. And aren’t dogs supposed to stop humping once they’re fixed? My leg suggests otherwise. I’d be more upset but Calvin really doesn’t know what he’s doing. He kinda grabs on then can’t figure out what to do next.
I’m guessing he’s around high school in dog years.
We’re keeping it all in the family. Check out Calvin’s brother over at the Tofu Blog!
{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
You poor thing…I feel your pain, I really do. At least you’re sinking money into your own debt instead of someone else’s!
I feel for you. I’m a homeowner and I am so ready to move out and GIVE this one to someone else.
I feel for you guys, all those hidden costs? So not ready for that. Although your gayest moment ever made my whole freaking day (although technically it’s 2 in the morning so I guess I’ll fall asleep giggling about it so it made my night…? See that sounds wrong. Whatever, you get it.)
As a renter I feel both envy for homeowners and relief that I don’t have to deal with these Hellish situations! The whole pros/cons thing.
the fact that you guys lecture each other about beyonce dancing while simultaneously watching mamma mia clips really makes me want to LIVE in your house. i’ll bring the firewood.
“No ‘we’ve got our love to keep us warm’ for me, bitches. I’m practical.”
Best. Line. Ever.
All I ever do it quote my favourite lines but seriously, “The phone calls themselves were a bit of an issue since I had lost my voice the night before trying to tell the newf the rules of going to a club with his friends without my supervision (#1 Don’t try to recreate Beyoncé’s Single Ladies dance, #2 Don’t try to recreate Beyoncé’s Single Ladies dance)” = you are my favourite human.
Absolutely. I know where you live! You’re right and I’m sorry. (And I might need to come live with you someday…)
Is it tomorrow yet?!? The suspense is killing me!
FYI: Yes…some lived in Alive. Ethan Hawke plays him in the movie and he is to die for.
And yes…home ownership is just like pissing money away down the drain. Great fun, isn’t it?
At least you had the sexy voice?!
That makes me SO GLAD to only be paying $400 a month to my landlord (read: my mom) for rent.
That’s why I rent. That’s why I have landlords who – knowing my heating bill will be outrageous – install new windows for the entire house and give me a better, digital thermostat. That’s why I don’t have to mow the lawn. It’s lovely.
P.S. Duck Tales rules!
So true. Owning a home made me do ridiculous things like by a LAWNMOWER. But you know what’s worse? Owning a home, renting it to someone, having something break and then having to buy the new item but not use it! The renter uses it!!
The more time goes by, the more I think renting is the best idea ever.
Aw, that really stinks! I like setting people on fire though! (Kidding! I swear I have never set anyone on fire).
I laughed all through that though; it’s so true about the house costs, according to my parents, whose conversations I listen to.
Thanks for being practical and not all “Our love will keep us warm” I might have thrown up a little bit!
Yet another reason I dont want to own my own home! I have no common sense and that makes trying to fix things around a house very difficult (and expensive)!
You mentioned “Alive”. That alone makes you my hero for the day. I may or may not have spent the better part of last week asking people if they would rather eat a person they knew or a stranger. (And for reasons I still don’t understand, people refused to answer).
Also, even though I’m not a Yankee I appreciated seeing you do the conversion. I think sometimes our American friends don’t understand the temperature battles we face until there’s a conversion.
Stay warm!
I already know how this story ends.
Superman breathes on a lake and drops it on your house to put out the fire.
Heard it before.
A few months back, my HVAC unit exploded and I had never been so happy to be a renter. Until now. Good luck with the kindling!
Now I remember why I don’t own a home.
And yes you are right we have very short attention spans.
AWESOME Scrooge McDuck reference. Well played indeeeeeed.
and this is why i still rent, i’m scared shitless to own a home.
petrified to do it all by myself.
“An apple? $9,849,846.”
Amen brother.
As a fellow home (well, mortgage) owner, I know exactly what you mean.
Don’t you love those morning when you wake up, look around and what you’ve got (love, dogs, and a home) and think to yourself, “Wow, I have a beautiful life”?
Then the dog pees on the bed and dishwater explodes.
I feel for you, honestly. Right after the holidays? That bill is like getting a kick in the teeth. I always wanted to buy an older house because they have more charm and ascetics than new homes, but the husband convinced me of building our own.
This is the first time I feel grateful for not winning a fight. 15 year warranties are a beautiful thing. At the very least you won’t have to worry about the furnace ever again!
Suckola. But hey, at least you have a furnace. We have a woodburner, a monitor kerosene heater (don’t know why it’s called a monitor. should be called ‘that big fugly thing in my living room that I can’t really afford to use), a window unit, and a radiant space heater.
I’ve eyed just about every piece of wood in my house for potential woodburner use. We almost lost a purple dining room table that way…
I’m glad to see that you’ve retained your sense of humour. By this point I would have burned down the house to keep warm.
Foresight it so last-season.
For some reason I now have that Eagles song-Witchy Woman stuck in my head. ^_^
I know you’ve got some flammable items(besides the Newf). Where’s that f-r-u-g-a-l scrabble board?
and that’s why we rent right now. Our air conditioner broke and we sure as heck aren’t going to pay for it.
this is totally why i rent. the other day i was all “man, forclosed homes sure are cheap! and there are new tax incentives for first time buyers! this would actually be a smart move!” and then i remembered HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i have no interest in being responsible for a home.
Just burn things in the kitchen. Chop up some chairs. You’ll make it through! Haven’t you ever seen The Day After Tomorrow?
Burn BOOKS!
I have nothing to add, really, except that I’m sorry, and that I’m now quietly singing the theme song to Duck Tales (woo-ooh). A similar situation happened with my air conditioning last summer (a convenience, unless you live in Texas and it’s 105 degrees INside).
I just ran out of milk for coffee. Crap. There goes that vacation I’ve been saving up for…
See that is why the only thing I own is my cat.
*ugh*
Hope it’s fixed soon and you get warm.
Also, thanks for the conversion as I would be too lazy to do it myself.
And I’ve seen Alive. And been to Donner’s Pass (look it up, it’s near Tahoe). We crash in the Andes or get stuck in the mountain pass, vegetarian or not, I’m eating someone. In a completely non-sexual, survival way that is.
It gets really depressing when you think about how long you’ll have to live there to break even. Let’s see, been here two years, paid approximately $400 on principal, spent several thousand on repairs…yep, in about 15 years we can afford to move.
oh god… suburban danger… seen the movie “The Strangers”??
Is it totally horrible that we had to call maintenance in January because our AC broke thus making the apartment unsleepable. (is that even a word. It is now!)
Sorry you and Newf are freezing your butts off. There is always space for one of you in Miami…and the puppies. I totally just chose the puppies over a human. Whatever.
Ugh – I totally hear you. I feel like I should be wearing an “I’m a twenty-something Homeowner! Please bleed me dry!” whenever we have work done on the house.
We lucked out in choosing a house that’s really warm though, one of my cowokers lives down the street from me and is paying upwards of $500 for heating right now.
Hope you guys are warming up at work and bundling the puppies!
I totally hear you. You want a new window there sport?
$250,000,000 each.
Cash only.
We ran out of oil on Sunday night because SOMEBODY, I’m not mentioning any names KEN, forgot to check to see if we were low. So SOMEBODY had to go out in the cold in the middle of the night to buy diesel for our oil tank so we’d have effing heat.
You can put diesel in your oil tank. That’s a handy homeowner tip.
this almost makes me feel better about the fact that I will be renting forever
I tell myself that the reason I don’t buy a home is because everything breaks and the cost is sky high for every little thing… and not because I have no money to actually do so.
I need to go on Property Virgins or something.
Everything in a house costs $10,000. Even if it doesn’t, something else will come along to balance it out to $10,000. That’s what Cokebaby and I have determined anyway. Good luck with the furnace search. Good time to think about installing a different type of heating though…
I’ve never seen Beyonces single ladies dance.
is it a striptease?
if so, please send me the link.
Having just purchased my first house 3 months ago, I feel your pain. I am absolutely DREADING the heat pump dying, but it is bound to happen since it is the ORIGINAL ONE (i.e. 30 years old?). I can only hope it happens in the next 9 months before the home warranty is up.
I was sooo happy when I closed and got my own place with my husband for the first time.. until finding out that if something breaks, we have to pay for it. WTF?
I really miss those maintenance guys on our property who would come in for free to fix things – those glorious days are long gone.
Great snow – pretty to look at, but wouldn’t want to be in it:) Hope you feel better soon!!!
I always think that I am missing out by not owning a house… then I see things like this and imagine Mr. POSSLQ’s forehead veins when he hears how much something like a new furnace would cost and think that maybe I can pass on home ownership.
Hope you are warm again (without having to light up any household members)!
Pop culture references check list:
Beyonce: check
Meryl Streep: check
Alive: check
Duck Tales: check
If you had referenced Tail Spin instead of Duck Tales, I would have offered to sponsor your furnace replacement. Oh well. Maybe next time.
Having heat is a good thing, especially this time of year. Good luck with the furnace troubles.
Oh, and where did you get pictures of our house??
Having an unexpected and major purchase such as a furnace is my biggest homeowning fear. I’m actually trying to figure out if I should fix my dishwasher or buy a new one. The decision is not going well.
I think I’m going to start calling you before I go out so you can give me a list of things I shouldn’t do.
Or maybe I can just go party w/ the newf and we’ll make fools of ourselves together.