Calvin Hussein

Small dog in big world with many cozy spaces that do not allow access for humans? Trouble.

You see, because I am not a heinous bitch like some of the people in my apartment building, I bring Calvin to my folks’ place up the street when I can’t be here to make sure he’s being quiet. He goes in his crate and gets increasingly pissed off at me sleeps until I get back.

Lately, I have had to do this almost daily because I am incredibly busy and important (false). Knowing the diabolical brain capacity of a dachshund, I should have seen this all coming. I should have tried to fake him out more, to keep him on his toes. But no. I didn’t.

Yesterday I had to drop him off rather than bring him to the social media meet-up and pretend he’s an unfortunate looking niche-blogger. We get to the house, he sees my brother, gets mad that he still exists, and crawls underneath the very low sofa. Which is exactly where he stayed for a very long time, spooning a backgammon set while mocking me and wagging his tail.

Don’t worry, I lit a small brushfire to scare him out, at which point I starved him for four days so that he’d learn not to hide from me.

The newf is making me finally attempt to get him back on regular food. I am dreading this because it undoubtedly means 212 trips outside on a daily basis. However, the $60 bags of food are getting a bit ridiculous so we’re going to try fish-based to start.

Also, his playtime has become even more vigorous leaving his teddy bear amputated and his snuggletoy rocking back in the corner of his therapist’s room. And aren’t dogs supposed to stop humping once they’re fixed? My leg suggests otherwise. I’d be more upset but Calvin really doesn’t know what he’s doing. He kinda grabs on then can’t figure out what to do next.

I’m guessing he’s around high school in dog years.

We’re keeping it all in the family. Check out Calvin’s brother over at the Tofu Blog!