[I'm happy to present, a very special gift from Peter who has been nervously awaiting my descent upon his little town, clad scantily at best, sporting reproductive cupcakes. And yes - I have committed to doing this. And now? I'm even more excited for it. This will happen. Well...most of it. Er...some of it. Uh...maybe the awkward handshake part..
P.S. Donate, you buggers. And if you're in Halifax, come to my Retro Dance Party in support of our fundraising. Dance-offs? Welcome.]
A 30-something male, PETER, waits patiently, peering out the window. He looks a little Vince Vaughan-esque. Sadly it’s the current Vince Vaughan.
Peter runs to the door and opens it to…
BEN, 20-something, carrying Tupperware, enters. Ben is followed by a 20-something female.
Peter: The newf… looks different than I expected.
Ben: Ha. This is my friend Union Jane.
Peter: Hi, I’m Management Peter.
Ben: What?
Jane: Huh?
Peter: I just– Nevermind.
Peter goes to hug Ben, who puts out his hand for a shake. Peter adjusts and goes to shake Ben’s hand, but Ben is now going for a hug. They finally settle on a handshake/hug hybrid dealie.
Peter: Sorry. I’ve never met one of your kind before.
Jane: ONE OF YOUR KIND?!?
Peter: Yeah, a blogger — Wait. Did you?
Jane: Oh.
Peter: Gay?
Jane: Yeah.
Peter: Child, please. I attended Dalhousie in the 90s. My cousin is gay. I fucked Tobey Maguire.
Jane: How was that?
Peter: Ehh. Was OK. I did my Michael Caine accent and recited lines from Cider House Rules. I think it threw him off his game.
Ben: Did you say, “Child, please?”
Peter: Maybe. (Notices Ben is wearing short shorts.) Hey, nice gams.
Ben: You like the shorts?
Peter: I’m just glad I didn’t wear mine. It would have been awwwwkward.
Ben: Jane, turn on the video camera.
Peter: Oh crap.
Ben: It’ll be fine.
Peter stares straight at the camera.
Ben: Do you have anything to say to the people watching this?
Peter: Naw.
Ben: Why not?
Peter: I talk to those fuckers every day.
Ben: Come on.
Peter: PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET… Hi.
Ben: Well done.
Peter: Thanks. I’ve been practicing.
Ben opens the Tupperware and shows Peter the boob-shaped cupcakes.
Ben: For you.
Peter: I think I went to college with that girl.
Ben: Oh God.
Peter picks up two cupcakes and moves them up and down in front of his face.
Peter: (In a female voice) I NEVER do this on the first date. (Beat.) Do you ever play anything other than Nirvana? (Switches back to normal voice.) That’s her alright.
Ben: The video camera may have been a bad idea.
Peter: Told you! I even shaved today. People won’t get to see the stubble. Way to ruin the mystique, Ben. Way. To. Go.
Ben: You have your baseball cap on.
Peter: That’s true.
Ben: Do you always wear that thing?
Peter: Pretty much.
Jane: Even when in bed?
Peter: You mean for sleeping? Or business time?
Jane: Both. Either.
Peter: I take it off to sleep. But for… business time, I wear nothing but my cap and a Livestrong bracelet.
Jane: Oh that’s nice.
Peter: But not on my wrist…
Peter flashes a suggestive eyebrow raise.
Ben: On that note, maybe it’s time to go. Can I use your washroom to put my pants on. I’m freezing my ass in these things.
Peter: Fill your boots.
Ben wanders off.
Jane: You know, I’d never wear a Livestrong bracelet on my wrist in bed either.
Peter: Oh yeah?
Jane: Would get in the way of the handcuffs.
Peter: You knooooooow, I think Ben could be in there a while…
- FIN -