In an unexpected turn of events, I have been completely put in my place by a community of close to 10,000 twenty-something bloggers and no, I’m not talking about all the drama that has already gone down. Oh no…I’m about to bring a whole new WORLD OF DRAMA down on this bitch.
You see, there is a series of annual blogging awards as voted on by the good people of 20SB. Winning one of these prestigious awards immediately launches a blogger into a world of fame, wealth and importance. Or just a sad desperation for further validation. I’ll let you be the judge.
(Although this post certainly creates a bit of a one-sided argument, donchathink?)
So the nominations for the 2009 awards were announced the other day and let me just be the first to say WE ARE NOT AMUSED.
Yes – I’m thrilled that someone went and nominated the bejesus out of me. Whoever you were, if you were trying to get in my pants, consider this your green light. I’ll be stretching out my hamstrings til you get here.
But back on point – I didn’t get nominated for something I won last year. Apparently you jerks don’t think I’m interesting anymore. OH REALLY? YEAH? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? I’M GOING TO MAKE ALL OF MY POSTS NOW ABOUT THE RATE AT WHICH MY FINGERNAILS GROW. That or I’ll engage the nominees Doniree, Nicole, Apricot, Kyla and Big Time Fancy in a race around the world from which only one of us would return. And we could sing all the songs from this kickass Chipmunks and the Chipettes movie that I love.
“But Ben,” you might say. “You got nominated for other awards including a new one, Sexiest Blogger!”
Right. So now I can only assume all of you talk about my blog like this:
“No Ordinary Rollercoaster? Yeah it’s alright. There isn’t a whole lot there but he’s easy on the eyes. I mean, I don’t even click through from Google Reader anymore unless there’s a picture of him flexing in the rain. Even then, I’m kinda just like….meh….let’s google Taylor Lautner.”
Which…I mean, I get some of you are just going to be like that no matter what because society has finally deemed it okay to lust after 17-year-old hunks, but…guys? I’ve never been nominated for sexiest anything before and probably never will again. If there’s any characteristic about myself I’m willing to bank on, sexy is NOT one of them.
INTERESTING IS ALL I’VE GOT.
I can’t even count on FUNNY anymore!
(Again, establishing my self-identity solely based on the 20SB Award Nominations which I did not receive. Yeah. I noticed that one too. I can’t believe you bitches…)
(I mean congratulations everybody! You’re all very special and I’m so filled with love and respect and blah blah blah getouttamylife.)
I know, I know. There’s been enough hubbub about who is and isn’t deserving of their nominations this year but I just think people are missing the real issue at hand here: what about the bloggers who RELY on these awards to establish who they are as human beings? Who’s thinking of the fragile egos that have been built up over years of comments and emails and internet handjobs?
But you can help. For less than one dollar a day In just five minutes, you can vote on the 20SB Awards using your membership as your ticket to making a difference. Vote today and feel good about helping a disembodied voice on the internet establish his or her self-worth.
Until then, I’m not sure whether I should be spending my time reading encyclopedias or doing 27-styles of crunches to perfect my torso…
*And come the fuck on, this post is tongue-in-cheek and the 20SB Awards? They aren’t going to change anyone’s life. Except maybe mine. Because I’m better than you.