I’ll warn you – I’m emotionally vulnerable not just because I have to write this post from four hours ago from my usual present (my brain just exploded), but because I just had to say goodbye to Tia, Doniree, Nicole, Jamie and Molly all in one mass exodus of awesome that has left me broken and alone in the Las Vegas airport where I have to spend the next six hours of my life coming to terms with my new found dependency on alcohol, second hand smoke, and seeing girls in physics-defying dresses that can’t possibly be good for their girly parts.
My eyes look like I have a bad heroin addiction, my voice has degraded to a mix between a fax machine and baby farts, and I smell like expensive regret, a new fragrance by Go The Fuck Home Already. I have also become hypnotized by the airport jumbotron and its five minute loop of promotions for Cirque du Soleil, Holly Madison, Cher, officially destroying any and all grip on reality as I once knew it. Someone bring me oddly flexible men, fake boobs and a brand new face.
In other news, you know what’s really rude? The constant geographical cock-blockery that I need to put up with. While we were all standing here saying our goodbyes, these insensitive bitches start making plans for the next time they’ll see each other RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
“Oooh yeah! I’m driving up next month! Daisy dew drops and honey!”
“Oooh yeah! I’ll see you in July! Unicorn bubble soda pops!”
“Oooh yeah! I forgot about all the times we have planned! Hilary Duff push-up bra!”
Bitches.
As the one who traveled the furthest to attend the past five days of full-on mess, I demand that a few ground rules be respected if I’m to do this again in the future.
The first is to avoid any and all mentions of in-person funsies that I clearly will not be able to experience. The second is for everyone to schedule their flights so they can entertain me up until the moment I get on the plane slash time machine slash hours-of-close-quarters-with-strangers torture box. The third is to ensure that if you’re going to spend hours putting make-up all over my retinas, you’re going to be there to thoroughly remove it rather than sending me on my merry way looking like Zombie Goth Stripper Twihard Pete Wentz Who Just Ran Out Of Face Wash And Might Have Been Punched By A Black Paint Can.
YEAH. STILL.
I hate everyone and everything and all of you except not you but definitely you and all I want to do is stop hemorrhaging money and carry my dogs around in my mouth and never look at neon ever again and taste non-Vegas air and oh my god I had so much fun but until further notice please just kill me because I’ll be damned if I’m expected to give you anything closely resembling enthusiasm right now.
The party’s over and reality hurts my insides.
{ 81 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh damn! It sounds like you had a wonderful time. Which, obviously, completely and totally sucks right now. Sorry sweetheart. Let me know if you have a layover in Louisville. What the hell am I saying?? No one lays over in Louisville, even airlines aren’t that cruel!!
I just Googled Louisville….and…uh….you let ME know if you have a layover in Halifax. Hahaha
Exactly. But hey, maybe Derby one year! I am seriously contemplating throwing a serious Bloggers Crashing the Kentucky Derby Event! THAT would be worth coming to Louisville. Google that.
Awwww…we miss you too Ben! Thanks for braving all that tortuous air travel to join us!
Were I not in the middle of a seven hour sit-fest at the Las Vegas Airport still, I would say that it was all so very worth it. But…right now? It doesn’t seem that way.
I KID. IT’S SO WORTH IT.
Sort of.
I just want to go to bed.
International travel is a bitch. No bones about it. Next year we’ll be sure and coordinate so you’ll have company
Seriously…I can connect through pretty much wherever. Actually putting more than five seconds of thought into it can only play in my favour!
don’t worry; you’re not the only one feeling the pain. lilu and i spent most of the plane ride home bitching about how people live in places other than dc.
NOT FAIR
I’m going to spend most of the plane ride looking like a crazy person.
I miss you. Hope that makes you feel better but if not I still miss you.
It helps. A little. Emotionally at least.
I wanted so bad to be there! I was supposed to finally meet you. DARN IT. Hating being a poor grad student (done in December though! YES!)
The day will come!
I didn’t even go out this weekend and could not for the life of me figure out why. Then I realized I was supposed to be in fucking Vegas and no matter what, nothing here was going to feel right. With that I will spend Sunday making dinner in a feather boa. Penance. And glad you had so much fun it HURTS INSIDE.
I’m so proud of your fashionable cookery!
I can’t even talk about this because all I want is to put you in my pocket and carry you around with me always.
Tia + Ben 2010 = WRAPPED.
Can’t wait for next year and I love you so much it’s STUPID.
Hopefully by round three we’ll start learning how to bankroll this shiz.
If there is a Bloggers in Sin City (or similar gathering of awesome) in 2011, I will sell my soul to get there. And I don’t give a damn if I am the oldest, fattest broad there, I will bask in the awesome until you find an Elvis who will issue a restraining order against me (cuz that’s how they roll in Vegas, right?)
I have spent the last several days alternating between laughing and wanting to drink a venti hemlock/cyanide cocktail reading all the tweets and FB posts and knowing I was missing what is probably, in reality, a once in a lifetime chance to meet most of my favorite bloggers.
Safe travels, Ben.
As far as I know, the planning is already (sort of…ish…people have thought about it) in the works for a bigger and better 2011. Whether I can muster up the strength to subject myself to this again? Remains to be seen.
I just read back through the Twitter feed again and can’t get over how obnoxious we’ve all been for a straight four days. I apologize to the universe.
I feel your pain; last year Renee and I spent six hours in the airport and she had the balls to leave me three hours into my six hour stint there. I’m SO bummed that I didn’t get to meet you this year; damn finances/training for a race that I can no longer run messed up all my planning. Travel safe & thanks for the awesome tweets this past weekend.
I’d punch her. Serious. But frankly, I’m ready to punch anyone so take that with a grain of salt.
I can’t believe you just suggested Nora punch me. Ben… beware, I’m coming up to Halifax to punchasize you in the box when you least expect it.
If that’s what it would take to get you in my house so you can live with me forever and ever amen, I would gladly accept your box beating.
I’ll never forget our one night at the bar where Tia quite accurately pointed out that the “hot stripper dancers” ACTUALLY had penises.
You’re even more adorable in person and I loved meeting you.
Can you believe I already forgot about that? Mostly because my brain has started eating itself because I’m so tired the same way your muscles do when you don’t eat.
Total trannies. Still wish we had invited them out dancing with us.
Pretty sure in my drunken haze I did get to hit the dancefloor at the same time as you, and as that is the case, it has been an honor, Sir Zombie Goth Stripper.
Hahaha…we definitely shared the space in the best of ways. It was a most excellent way to spend our in-person time!
Yeah … I totally hate that all my favourite bloggers live in the US or Canada. I’ll never meet a single one of you guys.
We outnumber you. You can begin relocating any time
God I wish I would have been able to go!
Next time, its on. Like Push up bra’s and unicorns…. its on.
(I dont know, its early in the morning and just- yeah…go with it).
You don’t have to explain tired writing to me. No sir.
I hate you all.
I am saving up to make it to next year because I HAVE TO.
Or else I’ll die.
You have a year – make me proud!
Sounds like you had a blast, even if you’re not having a blast at the moment
I want to go to Vegas one day so bad! Was suppose to go next weekend, but had to back out. 
Have a safe flight home!
Next weekend will be ridiculous with the big fight in town! You’re probably better off.
I’m with DC. Commencing project piggy bank as we speak.
I hear you. I need to save up enough to pay off this one and start thinking about the next.
So glad you had a great time. Fuck 7 hours from Halifax to Vegas? You could have flown to freakin’ Borneo. Glad you found your way out of the bermuda triangle.
Ohhhhhh no. It was a seven hour wait at the airport prior to my 11 hour journey home. Tragic, it was.
Oh sweet, mother freaking Jesus, Batman. How did I not read your blog before? But more importantly, why did I not love on you the past 3 days?
I’ll never forgive myself.
Dramatic, yes. True, absolutely.
Hahaha there was a lot going on. It was easy to write me off as the drag queenesque dry humper of the theme night and call it a day
I still have the Venti sads today.
Also, your blog seems to think that both “Venti” and “sads” are fake words.
Jamie’s fault….somehow.
Heyyyyyyy! I can SEE THIS.
I was being passive aggressive.
I mean, you pulled off glitter, we pull off gravity defying dresses. Fair is fair, right? I enjoyed our 10 minutes together throwing money away at the roulette table… and then you kicked ass at one hand of War, so I’d say it was worth it, right?
Ponies puppies and fluffy cotton candy!
Hahahaha war was so awesome until I started losing again.
I won $70 or so on slots later that night though!
No, definitely not enough in-person time. And definitely definitely way too much travel time.
WAY TOO MUCH.
Remember when…
… you stole our waffle fries, but tried to be covert about it and then I basically FORCE-FED you waffle fries because I could see you eyeing them, but pretending NOT TO EYE them?
… someone screamed at you that I said I wanted to have sex with you while I was in the toilet?
… that never happened?
… you humped my leg like a very large eye makeupped dog would do?
… but an adorable dog?
… geographical cockblockery?
…
Okay I’m done.
Kisses.
Ohhhh the waffle fries. I’m usually much more sensitive about blatantly taking people’s food.
Not in Vegas.
Do you have a tent? No? A wrench? A LIGHT BULB??
More mimosas! NOW!
Also, Venti loves. No sads.
Also also, wear eyeliner more often.
“What if they don’t give us more booze?”
“THERE ARE TONS OF FRUIT JUICES! YAAAAAAAY! SPARKLES!”
“….”
“HEY THERE’S A HOMEMADE CREPE STATION!”
bahahahahahaha
I love you so much it makes me a little hot in the pants. Definite grinding dance party again someday, meeting you was amazing.
I’m still sore….so….yes please.
see on one hand I’m really sad to have missed all the fun but on the other hand I’m kind of happy to be the only non-hungover blogger today.
I’m not hungover so much as borderline overwhelmed by my reentry into society.
Same deal.
it was wonderful to finally meet the infamous ben and tia combo (seriously it’s like off a special menu it sounds like), you two were both fabulous and rocked eyeliner better than i ever could. also your dance moves are pretty awesome. win.
We’re basically an east meets west combo package. This is true.
I feel like you truly captured the feeling of my Monday morning. So much happiness, but so much anger.
The anger is what really got me. I mean, I was ready for disappointment and longing but not an all-consuming Vegasy rage.
Could you BE any funnier?! NO. The answer is no. Now come back out to California so the funsies can continue!!
I will come back to California and continue to yell at you and your body. Because that’s how I cope.
I will totally wait with you up until the moment the stewardess tears you away from me next year. And your after-sex guyliner was hot. In fact I’m jealous of it. I look like a fucking racoon.
Hahahaha I love/hate that it lasted all goddamn weekend.
Hillary Duff push-up bra? Loves it!
It’s perfect for when you really need to put an emphasis on nothing at all.
no words. I miss you. THE END.
I have so many sads.
Sounds like some prep work may be required to go the long haul at #bisc.
You should probably start drinking now….and stretching your hamstrings.
Pictures, pictures, pictures We demand pictures of the look!!!
http://www.noordinaryrollercoaster.com/tragedy-of-awesome/
I don’t think anyone has ever described Vegas appropriately. Oh wait. You just did
Awesome.
It’s best described upon departure.
Meeting you was, by far, one of the highlights of my stay in Vegas. I’m so enthralled, after reading your blog for so long, to put the face to the blog, so to speak. Wish we could have hung out more but either way, definitely pizza next time instead of little bits of cheese.
Ugh. YES. We need to make that happen. Hotel pizza party!
Thanks to Nicole for directing me your way… love it.
Vegas and I have a love/hate relationship. I hate to go, but always love it once I’m there… and then ultimately hate myself for going. Vegas is a bitch.
Yeah, well, I hate you ALL because I didn’t even get to go.
{ 3 trackbacks }