As part of my responsibilities in the dream job, I have to plaster my face across the company website with a short bio. This, I don’t have a problem with. I can write a bio easily enough and, with the help of a professional photographer, surely to God I can pull off one smile that isn’t a) creepy, b) drunk, c) shallow end of the gene pool.
The problem is that I have to chose a single prop that represents who I am.
One prop that screams ‘ME’.
Guuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh….kay?
Now, understand that I don’t have one all-encompassing interest that is so pervasive that it can be captured in a single object. My attention span does not allow for epic obsessions. I don’t play sports, I don’t have a green thumb, I don’t play a musical instrument anymore. So I’m left with few choices.
1) A steaming turd of dachshund feces.
2) A half-eaten block of cheese and a bloated belly.
3) A broken martini glass and a tipped-over shaker.
4) The crumpled up tissue in my pocket.
5) The newf.
This is not going to go well.
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
you are insanely funny!
Kez: Oh please…you are all kinds of gorgeous. You can’t help it that you’re better than all his exes.
Mermanda: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Lauren: Hahaha that’s what I was hoping for.
Hahaha! No one can compete with calls from Dubai and vomiting dogs. I mean, seriously. You win.
It should be solace enough to know he is paid to handle dog crap. You win. Times infinity.
Bahaha.
Oh, the ex.
I’m lucky. NONE of my hubby’s ex’s are hotter than me!
YAY!
Although it makes me wonder if I’m fugs too and does he have a thing for mediocre looking women…
Damn insecurity – gets you every time!
Too fraking funny!
I couldn’t do it.
Me+dog+vet= really bad time=looks like haggard mess when done.
Well, Eric doesn’t have any exes, luckily.
Clearly you’re bounds ahead of any ex with those dog, vomit-y or not! Going to the vet is miserable for us, because Adley turns into such a turd. I don’t think I could keep my composure around an ex!
Good God.
4 years later, I turn into a firing breathing transformer when I see my ex-aka Voldermort, out and about.
I always come back to the same thought: it can’t be good for my health to still feel so much resentment and animosity pulsing throughout my body. And imagine, I’m the one that did the breaking up!
I thought I was the only one that was hiring and firing on my cellphone for dramatic purposes, b/c clearly shouting the old “BUY” “SELL” is no longer chic.
Great post! Made me laugh, which isn’t and entirely easy task. I also love daschunds b/c I grew up with them, so these puppy pictures were sure to make me smile.
jenji
Vet bills. Ugh. I’ll see your leaky dog and raise you one suicidal cat. Not only is she Bionic, but she’s worth close to $9K. Darn thing better live for eternity…
aaaaaaaaah! so great …you’re such a girl …and I mean that in the best way possible.
one of my favorite posts so far..partially because i can empathize with the ludicrousness of trying to show out for a bf’s ex but also cause you’re just too fuckin’ funny.
someone should give you a talk show. i’d tivo that shit!! :]
this is why i always plan to already “be” in Dubai on business whenever an ex shows up.
The ending of this post = perfection.
no matter what the ex is still having to pry stick their hand up your dogs ass…..
I swear I can’t picture you trying to look better than you actually do, I think everyone will agree with this statement.
I mean..really, Ben..it’s so weird to picture you trying to highlight among a crowd just for the ex’s ex to see you’re better than him, when…I think you’d naturally outstand from a crowd..that’s what leaders (and cool people) can do.. get noticed and look awesome just because.
My hubby’s ex doesn’t live nearby, so we’re good. But I totally would do the same thing. Once I wore an inappropriately low cut top to pick him up at the airport because I knew a cute girl in his office (who if you believe rumors had a crush on him) would be there too. I’m pathetic.
And? I spent the morning in the vet’s office today. My dog was leaking from both ends. Now a shot, a bottle of pills, and $60 lighter, hopefully she’ll stop puking, drooling, and poohing all over the place.
The “Right-before-you” Ex is always sort of an uncomfortable thing. Iz just how it iz, I think.
I haven’t had THE confrontation yet. I’m constantly vigilant though to always look my best just in case I run into my ex and the trash he left me for.
oh man! you are a good doggie owner. the cost of going to the vet puts me in such shock i might not notice a great looking ex. (yeah right(
I think you just summed up the reason my relationship works.
PH doesn’t have a serious ex girlfriend.
No competition.
I always win by default. It’s a great feeling.
Oh Ben. I feel the same way when I try to act and look all importanty. Then I hurry up and go home and take off the girdle and the pantyhose because really? Who am I trying to kid?
I second what Matt said – lots of flexing.
Nothing beats making your SO’s ex take care of a leaky dog!
I’m sorry, what were you saying? I was staring at your adorable dogs. It was hard to concentrate on what you wrote.
Screw the ex! (not literally) You are awesome, have cute pups, and own a house. He’s probably jealous.
Every ex boyfriend I have had I like to predent they have died just so I don’t have to get into these situations. They might also like to pretend I died too.
…in all my most expensive things whether they go together or not. I love you!! You make me laugh each and every day! Hope the dog feels better soon.
Rofl, I still love the way you describe everything. It always makes me laugh.
That might be slightly awkward, but you’re the one with the amazing dogs, right? The ex is the one working at a vets office. So clearly, you’re more awesome.
“Oh hello CEO of everything in Dubai!”
hahaha this was awesome, ben. You’re OBVIOUSLY the better choice! Hope your vomity dog problem gets better!
I had the unfortunate run-in with an ex wearing tossed-on clothes and hair thrown into a bun. Simply put, I was a mess! This has happened to me like 3 times! You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now. Seriousy, I looked like I had been in a bar fight with a tazmanian devil. Ugh!
P.S.
You have nothing to fear. You’re hot!
Alice has something wrong with her bum and she’s always licking it and I’m going to have to bring her to the vet’s because she’s leaving butt juice all over the house and I’m just not having it.
What I’m trying to say is, I feel your pain.
“I’m too flustered thinking about all the sex I’m having in that house that I own.”
Can I just use that in casual conversation…none of boyfriend’s exes are a threat to my immediate geographic area.
You want to know if I am encountering one Dan’s ex’s? I wear my tightest jeans.
“Ma’am you want to have a seat while you wait?”
“Um…I actually can’t bend at the waist, but doesn’t my ass look great?”
“Are you feeling okay? You look a little blue…”
“Great….assssssssssss…”
*thud*
And show off your guns.
Oooh. I’d be a wreck. For sure.
But you can bet your ass I’ll reapply my make up and wear my best jeans when I go.
I understand the initial feeling of not really wanting to be where your Ex’s Ex works or is. It’s good that you are bigger than that.
Of course, you will have to have an elaborate “get dressed for the vet” plan set up for emergencies because you wouldn’t want to have to run in like a crazy person dressed in sweats to the vet with ‘ol what’s his name there….
LOL BENNNNN, it makes me remember this story about ex gf of an ex I liked a lott!! She’s so hot and supermodel-ly tall..We hang at the same places so I have to wear 6 inches heels each time, not comfy. I got blisters
ps. yeahhh you show him who’s hotter and cooler and sexier, after all you get connections in Dubai and such. Ha!
It’s funny how no matter how confident we are in our lives, there is still that ugly monster that rears its ugly head and messes with us whenever an ex is in the picture. You are fabulous and don’t need to go the extra mile for a guy the newf has zero interest in.