This is not a very good day. I am stressed out like a college kid in the middle of finals who just finished a case of Red Bull. For that reason, I am crapping out on today’s blog post and instead directing you all to hot hot porn a guest post that I did for Jamie over at Oh How Lovely.
…That’s what happens when you’re paid writer monkey – when your days are spent with key messages, advertising quips and the oh-so-overrated clarity. You end up starting a blog, mashing your forehead into the keyboard, slapping a picture of your mini dachshund on it, clicking publish and hoping for the best…
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
Heather: I may have exaggerated slightly on that one.
LittleFish: That? I’ve got nothin.
Great posts! Now where’s the advice for women?
I accept the fact that I’m slacking here.
That being said…Co-blog-goodness!!
Sexy time talk?! I refuse to believe Carmen Electra said anything this cute. Love it!
I loved this whole series!
MORE!
Love this list!
To add to the blazer and jeans one, please men, don’t forget to cut the string that holds the little flat together on the back of your blazer!!!
I am printing this and sticking it to the fridge.
Touching yourself Mariah Carey style… Lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll… I think I tore a hernia from reading both your sets of advice (which was great advice but funnily written)!
You guys should hump already… MORE CO-BLOGGERY…
i agree with #5. wholeheartedly.
i want you guys to take me out dancing.
right now. i’ll get my coat.
(don’t let me drink too many vodka diets otherwise you’ll have to carry me home.)
Awesome. Every guy needs to read this. Hell they need a copy printed out for them to have for reference.
amazing. and when is the next one? haha.
We need to talk more on gchat so we can say funny things to each other and then post it on my blog and you can link to it so i get lots of traffic
Also Amy Winehouse is scary. I’m still debating on whether I’d rather see her or Ms. Walters in a loin cloth…
I will now incorporate the phrase “sexy time talk” into my vocabulary. Way to be educational!
Awesome job guys! Another great one!
PS I am all about the blazer and a t-shirt. Although I try to limit it’s use.
I don’t think I will ever take Oprah seriously again… or did I ever?
This was some funny shit guys… but I want more!!
Hahahahahaha…. Yeah, every man should have this as commandments. Preferably printed and glued to the back of their doorto read them every day.
P.S. I loved this post.
Loin Cloth!
Ben, I loved this. I’m going to not-so-subtly force my boyfriend to read the co-blog. Plan another, real soon.
1) Yes. Unless you’re just running out to pick me up some ice cream while I stay home in a sex coma. Then you can wear whatever you want. Preferably nothing. Did someone say something about licking of ice cream off abs? Yes.
2) Do not say “penis” or “vagina” during sexy talk time. (“Sexy-time talk” is a a valid and wonderfully accurate description of a very important time. And talk.) Let her lead with the terminology though.
I could go on and on about this one… but I won’t. Right now.
3) Depends on the chick. Basically, have something to talk about other than yourself and your wonderful manliness. Be wonderful and manly, yes, but let US talk about it. Then let us convince you to watch “The Notebook”… Again. It will both make up for whatever you did wrong earlier or to come (and you KNOW you did), and might lead to a special sexy-time treat for you later…
4) HOT.
5) Yes. Just yes. Men? Pay attention.
And don’t get annoyed when, the first time you do this, we wonder what you did wrong that we don’t know about.
You guys are AWESOME! For realsies. I could just slurp you up!
oh man. somebody needs to give you two a book deal. you need to spread this advice to the entire world!
Fabulousness!! Loved every minute of this co-blogging!! I should really forward this post to my husband!! Hope to have more of your personalities together in the future!! Love both of your blogs!!
I almost missed the comment boat with this one, seeing as i’m on the opposite side of the world and all.
However, you almost made me choke on my cereal – its kind of hard to laugh when you have a mouth full of Nutragrain – but in an entirely good way. Andy – you already know how much i adore your writing. Ben – congrats, you’ve proved funny enough to be added to my blogroll.
P.S I agree with Wee-H comment re Jeremy Clarkson….
Where do you guys live that you see that?
I tried that poetry thing once..Apparently,
Roses are Red
Violets Are Blue
Your Boobs are huge
Let’s have sex.
is not that right piece of poetry to recite.
aw! the end?!
Well, it’s true–I am crying now that this is over. However, you 2 are wise beyond your years, did you know that?
We need to find a way to anonymously email this advice. I know quite a few people who could use it *coughexhusbandcough* but I don’t necessarily want them to know I was trying to help them out!
I love this. I am copying/pasting bits into an email for the significant other as we speak (type).
Such a great awesomely funny last couple of days….and we got a great new find Andy (not AS funny as you of course!)….I kept thinking of that line from American Pie…”What’s my name? Say my name, b—h!”
I just called 1-800-Flowers and they have a $50 charge for delivering yesterday. You guys are expensive.
No way I will ever listen to Amy Whinehouse. I don’t care what you say.
Can someone please send this to my BF? Thanks.
Oh hey, just wanted to quickly quote my favourite part: THE WHOLE THING. THIS IS THE BEST THING CURRENTLY ON THE INTERNET.
Also I don’t know what t–t is. Ben, will you email me it?
1) Totally agree.
2) Does this count for women to?? because I use short words to describe anatomy EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am such a c–t.
3) Poetry, Amy Winehouse, Chick flick?? dude, that should be a movie!
4) DO NOT DO THIS. You will remind me of a father figure.
5) Flowers and gifts are nice all the time.
you two are AWESOME. I loved this co-blog-ness.
Oh this is my favorite post by the two of you. So good. So funny. Love it, love it!
I agree with ben about the poetry.
It really seems like Hot Chicks could care less about robert frost- just so long as you have gluts of steel.
Oh no. You guys have become like a good drug and I’m addicted. What am I going to do now? Promise that you guys will do this again sometime b/c it’s GREAT! I love the licking the ice cream off the abs part. Yum!
I too am sad to see the end of No Ordinary Arse Chase… *sniff* *cue that sad GreenDay song from the end of Seinfeld*
I'm not sure about the blazer and t-shirt idea either to be honest, but I love a man in a button-down shirt. Especially a well-fitting casual one with jeans & sneakers.
can i meet them halfway and pass out on a now empty case of shared wine?
is that allowed?
Winners.
I am also with Ben re: sexy time talk. How can it not be sexy when it’s so eloquently put? Be still my beating heart.
“The girls in your life have a different va-jay-jay than Oprah as Oprah’s is magical and contains many of the world’s secrets.”
Hahahahahahaha!!!
I also heard that Toni Morrison wants to be buried in there when she dies. That might just be a rumor though.
Seriously the two of you need to do a follow up to this. I am already having mini withdrawals and I just finished reading it. I was ready to tuck in for a serious B/A post…it was great but such a tease.
When it comes to boob euphemisms, I prefer the term “party zeppelins”.
I don’t get laid very often.
“4) Try pairing a blazer with jeans, just one time”
God no, not if you want to pull a British Girl, Blazers and Jeans reminds us Jeremy Clarkson (look him up – no no no). Ryan Seacrest has ALOT to answer for!
I agree, keep up the co-blogging! It’s fabulous. I vote you make an official No Ordinary Ars Chase blog. DO IT.
Um, I want more!! This is just too good to end now.
And thank you, THANK YOU. Why do so many men wear the hoodies or tshirts with sweats all the time? So gross.
Priceless. Please tell me you two will be randomly co-blogging again in the future. Pretty please!
You know what’s a good day to give flowers? Yesterday. And you forgot.
This needs to be a florist’s slogan.
Love it.
What? That’s the end?
I thought this was just the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I will forever be referring to ‘wife beaters’ as ‘athletic tanks.’ Now if I can come up with a joke using ‘athletic tank’ and ‘t–t,’ I think I could be bigger than Oprah. Moms would love me!
Is this really what straight men obsess about? No wonder everyone is going gay these days.