Guys? GUYS. Guys. This is big. Right here, right now, I’m experiencing a moment in which I actually know what I want. In fact, I know so much so that I could make a reality competition in which myself and a panel of B-list judges could do a nation-wide search for it. These moments rarer for me than flattering angles are for Sarah Jessica Parker.
It struck me while I was unattractively drunk and ordering Coors Light (ugh…I said I’ll have whatever she’s having, not realizing that ‘she’ was a lesbian) from drag queens at a place called Menz Bar. I had just spent twenty minutes trying to drunk dial my best gay friend Nick in Toronto, thereby defeating the easy, carefree qualities that make drunk dialing so appealing with each failed area code combination, when I had a vision. Except it wasn’t so much a vision as it was three hairy, fat, sweaty, naked, old men going at each other in an out-of-the-way bathroom, squatting and rummaging around as if they were looking for change in the cracks of an old car seat if that car seat were to have back hair and be wearing a leather harness that somehow strapped onto his junk.
Yes. Apparently such things really do happen at gay bars from time to time. Who knew?
Like any good friend, or pet cat who proudly drops dead mice off on your pillow at night, I run back to my group shouting things like, “SEX ACTS! LIVE SEX ACTS! OH MY GOD! I SAW THEM! GO LOOK! OLD MAN THREESOME! HURRY BEFORE THEY FINISH!” when I start to realize that I wasn’t going to get the response I wanted – that being, “EW! Seriously? No – but for serious? Are you seriously serious? EW! Which bathroom? The one in the back? To the left? BRB! EWWWW! Did you see the one with the piercing?! HAHAHA!”
I mean, isn’t that what we all want when we stumble across old people orgies? Someone to share in the experience to make it a lasting memory that we definitely won’t tell our kids about someday? [Pause to wonder if my parents have ever accidentally found three gay bears in a loving, lubed-up embrace and never bothered to tell me. Cause they could if they wanted to. I'm not like other sons. I'm a COOL son.] Instead, I got scrunched up faces and tilted heads over the fact that I even thought to bring this treasure back to their attention. No one, nadda, not one of them thought to go look so that we could discuss their technique at length over greasy brunch in the morning.
This is a problem.
Seeing as we’re headed into summer, the season of the kind of love that requires protective goggles, I need friends who know that if I’m going to stay out past midnight, if I’m going to have to wipe drag queen lipstick off my face, if I’m going to have to pretend to know how to dance to mid-tempo R&B, I’m going to need people by my side who know how to make it all worth it when I direct everyone’s attention to the full-fledged fetish film going on a mere FIVE STEPS FROM WHERE WE ARE STANDING.
Is that too much to ask? Is it unfair of me to think that if I’m going to be hungover because YOU wanted to go dancing, that I’d like to be hungover laughing about how old gay men think it’s cool to drop trou in front of a bunch of urinals for happy-fun-time thanks to a cocktail of prescription and herbal ‘libido’ supplements and a soundtrack of remixed Ke$ha?
I didn’t think so. It’s time to man up, friends. Just like that slightly smaller fat old man manned up for the other two fat old men. I didn’t think he’d be able to hold all that weight on just one leg and a few fingers on the bottom of the urinal.
We all have to do our part.
[Photo Credit: rnav1234]
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
You need new friends. I would have been there taking pictures with my phone and tweeting about it. ‘Cause I’m a lady.
I expect NO LESS.
I’m with RondaMarie. I don’t care which side of the line you’re on, in what universe is that not worth a gander?!
Seriously. How many times do you get to watch people have sex for free?
I mean…I wouldn’t chooose old, fat ones, but c’mon…it’s FREE.
Clearly, I wish I could fulfill the requested role of Ben’s sidekick. And for my audition, I would tell you about the (slightly less unusual/fetish-tastically awesome) time that I ran from the women’s bathroom back to the bar ordering all of my friends to come check out the wasted WASPY girl on her knees blowing the skinny Asian dude in the fake Afro wig. Seriously – if they’d been in the men’s bathroom, they would have been cheered. Taking up an entire stall while ladies gotta go only solicits jeers.
Anyway, I’ll call you as soon as I move to Canada, cool?
YES! The afro wig makes that story a total winner!
Clearly it was a different crowd at Menz Bar than when we were there. I would have been all over THAT mess. But noooooooo, we get Gay Hulk Hogan threatening poor Joel and nary an orgy to be seen.
I know…what a total waste of a good night out.
Dude, you need new “going out” friends, clearly. Who wouldn’t want to go get a look and then discuss over a greasy brunch? Seriously.
I mean, we need SOMETHING to talk about over hashbrowns.
Thirty years ago I was frequenting a bar with my gay friend . The first time I was heading off to the bathroom there he stopped me. He said “Make sure you go in this one.” There were no signs. One was for women, one was for men and one was for sex.
This was in the early 80′s just before the news of AIDS. That one bathroom was a busy, busy place.
See…now that is what makes me nervous when I see old men getting off in public. Like, they KNOW about all the risks, right? I just hope people are smarter than they look when they’re having it off in the middle of a club.
I absolutely, positively would have been that person if I were there. It would’ve gone something like, NO SHIT OMG SERIOUSLY WHERE I WANNA SEE WAIT NO I DON’T EXCEPT WHOA I KINDA DO JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE NOT SHITTING ME.
I would not shit anyone when it comes to seeing old men do it.
I found friends for you. They can be found on Vixation’s newest post. I’m like your personal secretary. You’re welcome.
Green Door next year? Yes?
Ummmm WHOA. Like…WHOA WHOA.
LOL I know, right? That’s some crazycakes stuff, huh?
There’s just never going to be a situation in which there’s an old gay threesome happening and I’m not going to actually run there to check it out with you.
Which is to say that I’ve had a vision too, Ben.
And that vision involves you moving to San Francisco so we can creep around gay bars and find old man threesomes.
I know, right? Best idea.
Betcha there are TONS in San Fran. It would be a full time job for us both.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
DUDE… SERIOUSLY?? wow!! that would have been quite an experience IF THE TRUIMPH BELONGED TO YOU, SIR…
who knows.. maybe next time, huh??
cool. btw: i loved your narration
Next time I’ll just tell everyone the orgy is a bunch of hotties. That will improve the response rate.
The list of ‘Why I would rather piss my pants then go into the restroom in a gay bar’ just keeps getting longer and longer.
That’s what he said.
In fairness, this is the only sexual activity I have witnessed in a gay bathroom.
I mean…in case that makes you feel any better the next time you end up in a gay bar.
damn it, ben. whilst gawking at old dude cock congo, you should have taken stock of those also standing at the end of that rainbow; staring shamelessly, like a six-year-old with apologetic parents. THOSE PEOPLE ARE YOUR NEW FRIENDS.
I was LITERALLY the only person nearby.
Totally agree with Ms Salty
Brunch truly is the best part of this entire scenario.
I’m not sure which is more disturbing…the willingness to drink Coors Light in public, or the 3-bear lovefest. I’m still undecided.
I don’t even know anymore.
Oooo that is fantastic!!
Also fantastic? I saw something very similiar at the Joel Plaskett concert at Alderney…perhaps they were on some sort of fat-gay-man-orgy-crawl?? You know, like a pub crawl but sweatier??
And for the record, I called over my friends and WE took pictures…
PS. It was probably for the best you guys didn’t take pictures…looking through them doesn’t make for as fun breakfast times as one might think…
True. Pictures might be a little far.
I’m a fan of anything that can be discussed over a greasy brunch, no matter what it is. I’ve ordered PBR in public before so I can’t say much about the Coors LIght thing…
I had to look up what PBR was. I’m assuming you don’t mean Professional Bull Riders?
I once saw an old man performing unspeakable acts on a woman wearing two wigs at once.
Happy Tuesday!
See…that’s worth the gawk just for the two wigs at once.
obviously, this is a situation i would’ve appreciated to the fullest.
YET ANOTHER REASON WHY GEOGRAPHY IS SUCH A COCKBLOCKING BITCH.
I’m shocked SHOCKED that we didn’t witness sex acts during either of our vacations together.
I have *never* walked into anything that awesome in a bathroom before. The closest I’ve ever come is walking in on a guy and a hooker doing blow off the sink. Very disappointing, to say the least.
Damnit…I was hopeful when I saw ‘guy’, ‘blow’, and ‘hooker’, but alas…
Jeebus. Come hang out with me and mine in NYC some day. We’ll not only watch, we’ll hold up Olympic score cards. You’re on your own with the dancing, though.
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