When I was thirteen, working my first summer at the kids camps, I was enjoying one of the few special festival days that meant cracking out the BBQ and letting the little ones (cause I was so old and mature at the time) relax.
That year, the counsellors were badass. They did things like swear, sneak off to their cars to smoke, and speak in blatant sexual inuendo which made it not surprising when they start telling the kids all the stories of what you might find in hot dogs. None of it was all that shocking, we’ve all heard it before. I continued to eat without a care in the world.
Arriving at home, my Dad tells me that I have to go with him to Eastern Passage to buy lobster. Now, my pops is a very smart man. He and I are also very similar in some ways while very different in others. Add in adolesence, and I’m sorry to report that I gave him an awful lot of grief for no reason. This was one of those days. I wanted to stay home and play N64 rather than go on a 20 minute road trip.
He buys a ton of lobster for dinner. I spend the entire drive thinking up ways to be an asshole, eventually coming up with the perfect one. As he’s boiling the lobster on the deck, I announce that I am officially a vegetarian because of the nasty hot dog stories and that I will be damned if I’m going to eat those poor creatures. Dad rolls his eyes, further cementing my plans to prove him wrong and my eternal stubbornness.
Ten years later, I am still a vegetarian except for a small bite of turkey at Christmas and Thanksgiving (not appreciating something that takes so much effort is seriously rude…). Watching people eat meat doesn’t bother me in the least and I still on occasion crave things like ribs, fried bologna and pogos but I still HATE the idea of lobster. Here are my top three reasons. Believe you me, there are many many more.
1) Boiling something alive is horrifying to me. Yes, lobsters aren’t cute. Yes, cows are also slaughtered all the time. But things boiling to their deaths in my kitchen? Nauseating. It doesn’t matter whether you “put him in head-first to kill the brain before he feels pain”.
2) Lobsters are bottom feeders. That is kind of gross in itself.
3) As you’re cracking its skeleton and slurping out its insides, I can’t help but notice the runny, brown and green nastiness that you’re able to overlook for the delicious other parts. Nice to meet you, Lobster Excrement. Also, eating around cartilege? Sick.
When you eat lobster, I picture this:
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He was linked the whole time through the image he did up at the top of the post.
A little like gapingvoid? Why not just link and save yourself the work.
http://www.gapingvoid.com/
Exactly why I have no intentions of getting them made ;> haha j/k
Ben B-looks hot in a suit…
IDK, felt it could work
Wait, pocket sized? Can I have my own pocket sized Ben? I’ll bring him all over Florida! We can see Mickey Mouse together!
Seriously, Samir does the same thing, usually with things I say. I think our favorite was “Samir – will do anything except eat babies.”
These are great, but what you really need is to put it on a paper gear card: http://brepettis.com/blog/2008/12/01/things-adam-mayer-digitally-designed-geared-business-cards/
Thank you for making me smile today!
I loved those! Thank you, I need a good laugh=)
Next time my boss bitches me out for being on the internet I am going to tell her “I’m important on the internet”
At least in my head I think that.
I love the anecdote card. Probably because I’m on the same page as you on them. You could also do “Ben Boudreau – If you end up in an awkward and/or life-threatening situation with me and we get to at least second base, we’ll be friends for life.”
Mine might read:
Phil – Gayer than I seem.
Phil – (Dis)Gracing the internet since 2005.
Phil – Big gay nerd.
Phil – Total lush as long as margaritas are involved.
Doesn’t Ben Boudreau the blogger need some business cards? I say get one in every slogan and mix them up in the same stack, then it’s like a box of chocolates.
My favorite is Ben Boudreau- What you get when the gravy train ends.
Although, maybe you can put “Sucka Free” per Mega’s suggestion on the back of your card.
Great post.
Ben Boudreau – Not just a man, a legend.
if by legend, of course, you mean a bad-ass martini maker, Tia-lover, and all around fabulosity.
“Ben Boudreau – just gay enough” is my favorite:)
“Ben Boudreau – Don’t mess with my pretty face”
Would you use it? lol.
Nothing witty from me..I’ve been sitting on my ass for 4 hours reading blogs and my brain is fried but I saw your comment on Andy ARS (or something like that) and had to see what you were about. You are very funny. You will go on my blogroll even though I need another blog to read like a need a hole in my head.
Maybe that could be on my business card…
Jenners — I need another blog to read like I need a hole in my head.
I like your internet one! Mine?
“I have friends! They are on the internet….no I haven’t met them IRL…it means ‘In Real Life’…it’s the way we say it on the internet….because I’m in a hurry and don’t want to type things all the way out….because I am talking to soooo many people on the internet….because I am important….no I’m not making any money yet, but I will one day….screw you! I’m awesome!”
“Pocket-sized for your convenience.”
That’s what people say about me!
I laughed out loud at just about all of these.
And I always appreciate a mention of Neil Patrick Harris.
incidentally these also would work for the Ben Boudreau major motion picture.
PS – “His shoes click. He’s THAT important” made me spit out my eggnog. When is the official poll?
I’m going to be a rebel and give that last one about the day pass a shout out. NPH is a very close second.
My slogan would be “Disappointing my mother since 1983″
It would be great if I could keep you in my pocket – you could keep me entertained all day long.
ben boudreau – paula’s (willing) slave . . .
I like the pocket-sized one!
Mine would be:
Kellie Wessels – If not at my desk you may find me at the nearest bar
-or-
Kellie Wessels – Caution: Puking likely when inebriated
Hmmm…why do mine seem to have an alcoholic related theme?
Ben, you have to get some of these printed… You wouldn’t even have to give them out, people would *pay* for these! Oooh! Business opportunity!
“Ben Boudreau – Pocket-sized for your convenience.” is my slogan for life. 5′ is a bitch!
Ben Boudreau- Honorary Brown from Downtown.
That works on a lot of levels.
“He’s important on the internet”.
God that’s a great one! May I steal?
My fave is also the Neil Patrick Harris one. I think you should order 1,000 immediately.
All are awesome! Mel’s above wins, I think, with Newf sold separately.
“Ben Boudreau – Not quite Neil Patrick Harris – but trying.”
This one is my favorite!
Here’s my contribution:
“Ben Boudreau – Batteries Included, Newf Sold Separately.”
“I don’t believe in science”?
Hhmm…
Not sure what that means, but it reminds me of the time I went with PH’s class to the history museum, and while a girl is staring at a skeleton of a dinosaur, she looks at me and asks, “Dinosaurs aren’t real, right?”
I almost asked if she was in the “special” class, but then I realized her patents probably believe they’re descendants of Adam and Eve.
My vote is for Communicates almost entirely through irrevelent anecdotes. Love it!
“Pocket sized for your convenience.” Good, my pocket is currently empty. Hop in.
Ben Boudreau – chick magnet
Ben Boudreau – I love wieners
mine would be:
Hillary – I probably hate you so don’t talk to me
Hillary – less popular than my puppies
Hillary – Gin. Now.
I would make you up some of those and mail them to you, but that would be too creepy.
Jane – That creepy girl from the Internet.
mine would be – dmb5_libra, the payroll accountant who can’t do basic math. its a miracle you get paid at all.
You should totally do it! These are awesome!
Ben Boudreau – Slippery When Wet
Ben Boudreau – Thief of the Spotlight
Ben Boudreau – Batteries Not Included
Ben Boudreau – No Refunds or Exchanges
Ben Boudreau – You Can’t Spell “Bender” without Ben
Ben Boudreau – The Official Ben. Beneficial, in fact.
I think you should have some of those made up, they're very you & very internetty!
The first three hurt me a little bit inside. And of course I want to read anything and everything you have to say. My life has no meaning as an unemployed fool. I just tell people I’m retired, though. But for the people w/ jobs, it’s Friday, and they’d rather be reading your blog than working. I think this provides just enough to pass the time, but not so much that it stresses the brain. Working folk usually don’t have much left by the end of the week. Finally, you really are selling yourself short (yes, pun intended) when you call yourself pocket sized. I lived w/ a guy that was 5’6″ so trust me Ben, you’re not that short!
Ben Boudreau- still the cute blonde
WHY do the webs die so harshly on Fridays! These are the days I can flake off the most @ work!
also? basic math really is overrated. that’s what calculators are for.
I absolutely LOVE “Basic math is overrated.” I definitely agree.
“Not quite Neil Patrick Harris – but trying.”
AWESOME. You should put that on a t-shirt.
Just gay enough. That’s perfect. Can I tell Gay Boyfriend????
And then I can get ones that say.
Kate – I live with HIM.
Can I just ditto Belle? I am in love with NPH.
But you do come pretty damn close sweetheart!
There can only be one Neil Patrick Harris. Honey, setting the bar that high is a recipe for disappointment, as no one can ever come anywhere near as awesome as NPH. I suppose it’s good to have dreams, though.
Mitch Hedberg had the right idea which is why my business cards read
MsDarkstar – Potential Lunch Winner
Because the only thing I ever do with business cards is drop them in the fishbowl at restaurants to try to win a free lunch.
I’m torn, though… I like both Ben Boudreau – He’s important on the internet and Ben Boudreau – Just gay enough… I think either would win you lunch, buddy!
I’m not gay but after this post I think I might love you.
Wait that makes me gay. Shit.
Jeff Nomina – is he?
“Ben Boudreau – He’s important on the internet.”
Thats money right there.