When I was thirteen, working my first summer at the kids camps, I was enjoying one of the few special festival days that meant cracking out the BBQ and letting the little ones (cause I was so old and mature at the time) relax.
That year, the counsellors were badass. They did things like swear, sneak off to their cars to smoke, and speak in blatant sexual inuendo which made it not surprising when they start telling the kids all the stories of what you might find in hot dogs. None of it was all that shocking, we’ve all heard it before. I continued to eat without a care in the world.
Arriving at home, my Dad tells me that I have to go with him to Eastern Passage to buy lobster. Now, my pops is a very smart man. He and I are also very similar in some ways while very different in others. Add in adolesence, and I’m sorry to report that I gave him an awful lot of grief for no reason. This was one of those days. I wanted to stay home and play N64 rather than go on a 20 minute road trip.
He buys a ton of lobster for dinner. I spend the entire drive thinking up ways to be an asshole, eventually coming up with the perfect one. As he’s boiling the lobster on the deck, I announce that I am officially a vegetarian because of the nasty hot dog stories and that I will be damned if I’m going to eat those poor creatures. Dad rolls his eyes, further cementing my plans to prove him wrong and my eternal stubbornness.
Ten years later, I am still a vegetarian except for a small bite of turkey at Christmas and Thanksgiving (not appreciating something that takes so much effort is seriously rude…). Watching people eat meat doesn’t bother me in the least and I still on occasion crave things like ribs, fried bologna and pogos but I still HATE the idea of lobster. Here are my top three reasons. Believe you me, there are many many more.
1) Boiling something alive is horrifying to me. Yes, lobsters aren’t cute. Yes, cows are also slaughtered all the time. But things boiling to their deaths in my kitchen? Nauseating. It doesn’t matter whether you “put him in head-first to kill the brain before he feels pain”.
2) Lobsters are bottom feeders. That is kind of gross in itself.
3) As you’re cracking its skeleton and slurping out its insides, I can’t help but notice the runny, brown and green nastiness that you’re able to overlook for the delicious other parts. Nice to meet you, Lobster Excrement. Also, eating around cartilege? Sick.
When you eat lobster, I picture this:
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Aw, your pocket sized!
I’m feeling a little like this today:
‘No. Yes. Ask me on Monday.’
or
‘If you have to ask…’
or maybe just
‘Suck it.’
You should totally make these for the dogs.
My brain’s not working well enough to actually think of any, though. It’s Friday – you said it.
Ben Boudreau – my dogs are adorable
Ben Boudreau – I’m the hot one
I need to come up with someone hilarious for myself…
I can only think of rated R ones right now that are TMI so I won’t share haha
These are only a steap above my ACTUAL business cards, which printed crooked yet I INSISTED on using anyway, telling people that the slight tilt was “intentional. Because, you know, it’s like rock n’ roll, right?”
Thank you, thank you.
Also, “Peaked in 2007″ is pretty damn gold.
Can you believe people actually do that? They’re called “mom cards” and they have stuff on them like:
“Lisa Smith, Hayden’s mommy” and then a cell number, email, and home address.
Slogans? For business cards? Interesting.
Mine would be:
verybadcat- The accountant who can’t calculate a tip in her head.
Happy friday………
Ben Boudreau-I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.
Ben Boudreau-Yes, Ben Boudreau.
Ben Boudreau-Sucka free
Ben Boudreau-This one time in band camp…
Ben Boudreau-Not quite Richie Cunningham but, ah screw it
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