A troll, four moths and Jebus

Stupidly, I went – without warning or transition – from getting up at 7:15am to be at my office down the street for eight to having to shock myself into alertness at 5:50am in order to catch the bus at 7:12am to get to my office for eight. I wouldn’t subject myself to this except for that I like to pretend the hour between 4:00pm-5:00pm didn’t exist. That’s why I get up at ridiculous hours so that I can leave at four rather than playing the stare-at-your-clock-then-back-at-your-empty-inbox-hoping-something-happens-between-four-and-five game.

But truth be told, I really cherish and need my sleep. I am not and have never been a fan of the late nights. I am happiest when in bed between 10:00pm. When this does not happen, especially for long periods of time, I transform into a hateful troll of a human being.

Example. Last night I finally got in bed around eleven (ugh). I was dozing off quickly when I kept feeling something tap my face very gently. Oh wait, it wasn’t gentle at all. It was A HERD OF RABID MOTHS WERE DIVEBOMBING MY EYE.

Now, I’m all for laughing at people afraid of moths, but these moths meant business – they were the A-team of moths (plus I was having flashbacks to the time this exact same thing happened only it was a bat who was literally circling my head. Add that to the memory of a friend who had to get her ear cleansed because a moth had crawled in her ear and was beating its wings against her eardrum. A MOTH! IN HER EAR!).

After the third or fourth attempt at flailing helplessly in hopes that they would leave me alone, my combined insect-stress and lack of sleep got the best of me, resulting in the kind of guttural moan that means, “Just take me Jebus! Make the madness end!”

Newf: “Mfmffmm you okay?”

Ben: “…must…kill…moths…please help the ben…” *twitching crazily in the corner of the room*

Newf: “mffffffmff okay…” *shuffles then falls asleep again*

Ben: “hey…pssst….HEEEEEEY! Is your water glass empty?”

Newf: “…” “did you get them?”

Ben: “Um no. Otherwise I wouldn’t be setting water-glass booby traps. Will you help me?”

Newf: “…”

Ben: “WHY DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THE DISTRESS I AM IN?!”

Newf: …

So I downed the water in the glass and slammed it on the wall, trapping the two remaining moths who so foolishly settled in one spot. I put the glass in the kitchen sink upside-down in hopes of the newf picking it up in the morning to realize the stress of a moth attack. Not assisting me in my sleeping efforts is the same as keeping me from sleeping. Therefore the newf had to be punished in hilarious ways. This is my late night logic.

This morning I woke up in my regular pre-6:00am (yes, such a time exists) stupor, took the dog out, showered and started putting together my breakfast. Here are my thoughts when I enter the kitchen: ‘Oh. Here’s my water glass from last night. How about I just use this again instead of dirtying another? Holy sweet mother!! Bbshmhhfffmmbsmmm-ack!’

Yes. Things like this happen to me.

Yes. I deserve them.