I’ve been sick – this is the best I can do

You know those weird movie people who pride themselves on knowing every thing about every movie and every actor playing every role and you can’t even watch movies with them anymore because they’re all Russian with Swedish subtitles and the main thematic concept is disillusioned irony?

The newf and I are not them. Instead, we’re just those guys who own a fuckload of DVDs. Like – an inappropriate amount of DVDs. Good ones like Thank You For Smoking and bad ones like Cruel Intentions II: Manchester Prep. If it makes you feel any better, Amy Adams is in it. No? Okay fine.

We are just the kind of people who enjoy having a range of movies to choose from on those nights where you need something mindless to do and you don’t want to leave the house. And don’t even START to yell at me about Netflix because we don’t have that in Canada and you can all just go shove it up your asses along with Hulu and velvet portraits of perched bald eagles.

The issue is that once you decide you like a movie enough to watch it more than twice in your life, the cost of renting it more than once is greater than the cost of buying it previously viewed. This translates into a collection that spans every genre and caliber of film, made worse by the newf’s insistence on watching every movie to have ever featured a topless male hottie on the cover – front or back – thus leading us to own the boxset of the first and only season of 8th & Ocean.

Oh yes. And while I’m putting myself out on a limb for ridicule, allow me to also drag someone else down with me because Sam does too and she totally admitted it so THERE.

So, instead of using the past three days of bedrest (based on a whole new strain of the sick that I hope to brand the Benisawesome Flu as it cripples countries and economies around the world) to think and cure cancer, determine the inarguable best use of Swiss cheese, or how to achieve all my hopes and dreams without having to put on pants, I watched all ten episodes in a model-fueled stupor that I’m not proud of.

And what do I have to show for it? QUESTIONS. SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Did the stronger of the twin sisters kill the other in some strange, Highlander-esque power struggle?

Did Britt’s nipples secretly have teeth and that’s why she didn’t want to share her rockin’ body with the world every time they tried to slap her in a bikini?

Did anyone ever realize how strange it was that Adrian was able to model despite his terrible, awful, give-you-nightmares face?

Did Heide moving in like…totally ruin everyone’s life? Did she ever realize she misspelled her own name?

Friends – there are times that Wikipedia deciding what is and what isn’t relevant enough to merit pulling together every vaguely connected detail into a single article for my consumption doesn’t play in my favour. There simply isn’t enough closure! If any of you count one of these people even loosely within your social circle, or know anyone brave enough to admit their own involvement in creating this show, please point them in my direction. If nothing else, they’ll be happy to meet one of the two people who own the DVDs.

Sam – I’ll fill you in as soon as I hear anything. Let’s start planning a Skype viewing party.