The relationship between gay men and boobs is a complicated one indeed.Why, for example, have I seen, felt, adjusted, and become overall more acquainted with better boobs than the average heterosexual male whom I can only assume would be much more appreciative of the opportunity? What makes it okay for girls to regularly encourage me to give their girls an Alley Hobo Mammogram for no particular reason?
(Note: I most certainly cannot provide any sort of medical conclusions past how many buttons can be undone on your blouse before you're considered a trollop.)
I mean, I'm pretty sure that if given the chance I would trade my Free Boob Honk Pass for a Free Crotch Grab Pass. It's not like I can just walk up to any dude, grab his downtown, call him my new best friend and go grab nonfat Gingerbread lattés. If only...I'd need to take some serious vacation to make up for lost time if that ever became the case.
But yet, that's exactly what I'm able to do with the ladies. I slap on a nice pair of shoes, head downtown, one thing leads to another, and before I know it I'm giving them the homo version of 'Nice tits. Wanna screw?'. Here's how it works:
"Your boobs look fantaaaaaaaastic."*
=
Instant best friends with random hot girl
=
One-hand cup. Minimum.
=
Bra-flashage.
=
Discussion of how equipped her boyfriend is over nonfat Gingerbread lattés.**
(*Note: the extended syllable is very important and often the difference between getting arrested and being asked your opinion on the inner workings of her lingerie.)
(**Note: Gingerbread lattés - my ultimate end result of all social transactions between November and February.)
Listen boys, I don't make the rules. I just go with the flow, check out your girl's guns, talk about your junk, and sip on holiday drink heaven. That's just the way it is.
If it helps, I almost always advocate more sex...
You're welcome.
[Tomorrow is the last day to order your Boob Cupcake deliveries. Please show someone you care with
nippled baked goods - every cent goes to purchasing new digital mammography equipment!]
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22 comments:
I'll let you touch the boy's junk if you want. It's fairly impressive, as penises go. I'm nice that way.
So how many buttons can I undo without looking like a trollop?
I measure all social transactions on the gingerbread latte scale too. I think it just means that we end up happier than most people. And more caffeinated.
Total, sheer brilliance.
Why am I suddenly so sad that Gay Boyfriend threatens to poke his eyeballs out with ice picks whenever he sees my boobage. Hrmph.
I need a you in my life. Pronto. And not just for the boob grabbage and someone to share Starbucks with.
I frequent the Philadelphia Gayborhood with friends of mine. I now fully understand the extended syllable in 'faaaaaantastic' or 'faaaabulous'.
I'm flashing my bra strap in thanks to you.
Buy me a gingerbread latte, and I'll let you touch my boobs. Without a bra.
I just realized that made me sound like a two dollar hooker....
Oh well.
I like gingerbread lattes.
This is so timely. I work in a gay bar, and last week received the equivalent of a full breast exam - the left and the right.
My prognosis was good.
I don't use the word "trollop" nearly enough.
A gay man complimenting a girls tits? The best compliment a gal could EVER receive! (Or at least a compliment about my nail polish, shoes, etc...)
I was in Key West last week and think I was taken advantage of....
I really don't think some of the guys there were gay, either....
Hehe, all I can think of when I read this was Isaac Mizrahi feeling up Scarlett Johansson at the Golden Globes.
I like the Alley Hobo Mammogram. That's awesome. And I love the fact that gay men love boobs, because right now, my gay BFF is the only one grabbing mine!
I know what u mean! Straight women love it! I am the gay BFF of Ms. Salti! Some action is better then no action! lol! I might add that she has some fabulous bras that fit me!
LMAO! I should have taken pictures when you had the bra on and blackmailed you with them.
Hey Ben, maybe I'll get him drunk in Vegas next weekend and see what I can do!
We need to make this whole gay men support and encourage sex in a relationship thing clear to all the straight guys of the world. My husband has NEVER been thoroughly convinced that any of my gay guy friends were ACTUALLY gay. He is convinced they use homosexuality as a tool to get closer to women. I know. He's confused. Perhaps if he thought they were advocating for him, he might be convinced? :P
i literally HATE geography right now.
HATE IT.
i haven't been felt up by you in MONTHS and i'm UPSET by it.
JustAGirl: I'm in.
Lemmonex: It's on a case-by-case basis.
Kyla: Same thing.
Angry: Merci.
Kate: ....your guess is as good as mine?
Christy: I would love that. Make it so!
Katie: Well done.
Cheryl: Five dollar hooker. Lattés are FIVE dollars.
Freckledk: Congrats! Rest assured that at least one of those gays has claimed to be a doctor in order to get laid. That's just like a real one.
Kristen: It's a good word, right?
Mel: There's a spectrum.
Laurie: Hm. That's a problem.
Andrea: Oh yeah. That was a big deal, wasn't it?
MsSalti: Do you have to pay him or does he just accept martinis?
Schm0die: hahahaha
Heather: Hm. I wouldn't rule it out!
Tia: Sigh. Those were better days.
I usually pay him by getting him drunk on martinis. It's really the best way.
Not gonna lie, this post was slightly disturbing in a creepy way. Maybe you read too much porn. Go back to just watching it like the rest of us. =P
Just to further validate your theory, last weekend in Vegas proved to be full of boobs for Schmodie! I don't think he was very amused.
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