Our driveway was a sheet of ice two inches thick, the car had to be chipped out of a solid block of the cold stuff, and the woolly mammoths passed me on the highway. Oh - and there was this crazy-ass squirrel thing that kept chasing this acorn and I was all, "Dude! I'll give you food! Why are you chasing that damn acorn you crazy freak?". And he was all, "Squeak squeak, squeaky squeakerson dontquestionme squeaker." And I was all, "Whatever man..."
My usual thirty minute drive home took over an hour and a half and three plays of Pokerface on the radio (bluff with your muffin all you please but for the love of god stop playing the same song over and over!). When we finally got home, I Bambi-on-iced my way to the front door and safely avoided falling and cracking my brittle bones on the concrete despite how awesome a story it would make to have curbstomped myself.The next day it was a balmy eight degrees (46F) and the world had gone straight from Ice Age to Noah, fetch the Ark! Naturally, I assumed I was in the clear because I can swim marginally better than I can skate plus it's tougher to smash your head in against water than pavement. Of course I should have known that this foolish confidence would be exactly what would lead to the powers that be (Jesus? Obama? Shamu?) smiting me down.
The newf watched from the driver's seat as I walked toward the car after paying for gas. As he turned his head, I heard the sickening sound of my shoe gliding over ice and I think I even managed to get out a: "Oh MOTHERF-" before slamming into the ground. When the newf looked back, I was gone.
Well...actually, I was lying in a puddle, listening to the laughs of a teenaged gang across the parking lot and simmering in my own rage. I've since had to stare at what looks like my shin at eight months pregnant.
That made no sense and I'm sorry.
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74 comments:
Ben - just checked the Weather Network. While you guys are basking in 0 degrees, we here in Ottawa are enjoying a balmy -39 with the wind. Suck it up, big fella. :-)
Jeebus, this weather has made you loopy! You need to book a ticket somewhere warm stat. This is two posts in a row that you are talking about weather! This is Canada. You're not new here, are you?
BTW, you wear your pregnancy weight really well!
Have you guys discussed names yet? I assume the newf will love him/her as his own?
I would expect J to accept my shin-baby. It's the least he could do really. After a fall like that.
haha
Maybe it'll be twins!
When I read the title I totally thought this was a post about Theo humping your leg!
An ice-shin baby makes for a more hilarious story, although laughing at your pain makes me feel slightly mean.
Soooo a trip somewhere warm?? Let's do it.
Bambi on ice! Loves it!
I will take those punks who laughed at you down! You just point the way.
PS: I am also hoping it's a girl.
Oh God! That seriously sucks! I'm going to keep my fingers crosses for you. --Sounds like you kind of need it.
I find that falling on the ass works better.
Less noticeable bruising.
It is the MS Paint illustration that makes it art.
OK, so here's my plan:
*crickets*
Yeah, I got nothin'. That weekend in California was actually little more than a cruel tease. Don't be surprised if, next time you see me, I'm wearing a cat around my shoulders and yelling at mailboxes. Winter makes us all a little crazy.
We should strap on electric hair dryers (do those exist?) to our shinks to melt the snow/ice as we walk. I'd much rather have a bulky hair styling tool strapped to my ankle than risk getting another shin baby. I'm up to two this season, and unlike the Child Benefits package, the government won't dole out more money the more ankle-biters you have.
If you DO have a shin-baby girl, will you name her Lauren?
I want to feel bad for you. And I do. I really do. But, I laughed at your story. And ummm, I likely would've been the gang leader laughing from across the parking lot or even in the passenger seat. One day, my laughter is going to get the best of me when a really serious situation arises. But, I can't help it. It's just how I roll.
oh no! at least you didn't break anything!! i had a bad fall on the ice last winter and friggin dislocated my shoulder! not cool man.
OUCH! So sorry. I so hate the cold and snow and ice. Glad we don't get much here. I told The Hubby last night that if we started turning artic here we were moving to the equator.
Robert: This post was more reflective of the weather back when I wrote it. Now it just seems like I'm being a princess. (I am).
Essentially: I am not new here. However, ever since I lost weight back in high school, I just haven't been able to tolerate the cold as much as I used to. Damn insulation...
Sleepyjane: I'm thinking Cappie for kneecap. The newf is still tender about it but he'll be okay once he sees the babe.
Dutchess: Given the many opportunities for more falls ahead of me this winter? I would expect more siblings are on the way.
AskAlice: DAMN! That would be an awesome title for a dog-humpy post!
BloodRedRoses: Assholes. I think I was more mad at them than the pain.
Dolce: Cross those fingers until May please.
Peter: Ah! A connoisseur!
Racquel: I will meet you using one of my dogs as a muff.
Belle: At least you're clever! Ankle-biters...classic. My fall just made me dumb and sore.
Stealthnerd: We'll see.
Nilsa: You'd lead a teenaged gang?? I'd accept that if it were a musical-type gang where it's more singing than shanking.
Alexa: Shit...that stuff hurts. My brother dislocated his twice - once doing karate, once surfing.
Jill: Don't go back on your word either! You'll hate youself with every snowfall.
I have a large lump too.
But I fell on a whole nuther kind of thing.
Maybe it's just all the hormonal changes you are going through at 8 months that makes you dislike the weather so?
When we have crazy weather like that, the government shuts down. And when the government shuts down, so does my job.
Please. Please send some of that our way.
That sucks. Have you picked out any maternity pants?
I'm so sorry. I really am, but at the same time I can't start laughing. "I Bambi-on-iced my wat to the front door..." has to be the best phrase I've read in a while.
Don't worry - karma'll get me tomorrow. Its supposed to be in the single digits! I live in Alabama - that's not supposed to happend down here!
When I read your blog title I thought maybe you were having a similar problem to mine. . .little Terrill, my 10 month old Dachshund, has started his, "humpy humpy" phase - all fertile legs beware!
Aw, poor baby. Next time, arm yourself with a battery-powered hairdryer. Show that ice who's boss.
I was expecting a story about how one of the pups had finally managed to impregnate your leg before succumbing to the harsh wintery elements you Canadians inflict upon yourself.
Glad to hear everyone's alright. Well, mainly.
A shin-baby? That would be quite a feat.
omg, you poor thing!
prenatal appointments are essential to your babys health, so you might want to get on that! (really, have you been to the doctor yet?)
ice sucks. i'm so glad we dont get too much of that here in jersey.
You know this means you have to avoid alcohol and sushi and caffeine for the rest of the pregnancy, right? Little Cappy better be worth it.
OWE! OWE! OWE! You know what this means don't you? Stay home and do not leave your house until all signs of winter gone.
the image of you simmering in your rage is making me giggle
sorry
I'm really glad you referenced the "Ice Age" squirrel. I am also glad you drew a picture of your shin baby.
I still want to go to Canada...but, apparently, not now?
Let me know the details of the shower for the shin baby.
You have the funniest blog in the world.
I haven't fallen lately (keeping fingers crossed). But I have perfected my walk/shuffle. Basically my feet never leave the ground. I scuff my feet along in quick but short little movements. It's a skill I have learned.
Kristen: I would much rather that. Well....the lump part.
EF: I would have to agree with you. I like blaming things on other factors besides myself.
Deutlich: My job doesn't shut down but I sure as hell work from home!
Summer: Working on it.
Ari: Blech. Welcome to the unhappiest winter club of all.
Nunu: Haha for some pooches, that humpy humpy phase takes a long time to die.
Amindinmotown: Nice idea! I'll be the Lara Croft of warmth!
Saratogajean: I guess that would have made more sense but I like to look at things differently than the common folk a.k.a. like a crazy person.
Noelle: You should have gone for the 'feet' pun in there. That was an opportunity missed.
RachelElizabeth: You are lucky indeed!
Meghan: I will do no such thing. Cappy can fend for her damn self.
Marie: DONE!
Hillary: Of course it is and you're so not sorry.
Bethany: Unless you like being unnaturally cold and hurling yourself down a mountain for sport - no, not now.
Jane: Well thank you! The shower will be held next Sunday. I believe the appropriate gift is kneepads and shinguards.
Kellie: That's usually me but I let my guard down and got cocky. Damn my arrogance!
In the words of the prophet Mercury of the tribe of Queen, another one bites the dust.
Sorry dude. Don't you know mild and warm climes are all the rage these days? I say move.
While falling isn't very funny at the time, it's usually good for a laugh once you look back on it. That's why the funniest clips on America's Funniest Videos are those music montages of people falling! :)
i wonder if they make those bella bands for shins? by the looks of the drawing, you're going to need one!
Can't wait for a play date between your shin baby girl and my arm baby boy.
Enjoy
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v168/augustmomma/leg.jpg
Oh man! I find people falling incredibly hilarious. Just the anticipation of the fall had me fight back the giggles. But sorry you got hurt so badly. I hope you get your little shin baby girl. Her name can be SHINiqua!
And what will shin baby's name be?
Sorry you are hurting.
I'm not in Nova Scotia but we recently had some stupid slush/ice crap and I fell TWICE while walking my dog. It was great... until the next day when I found bruises in places I didn't want them.
Hope you guys get a break from the crappy winter weather soon!
Made no sense? It was hilarious. Maybe you'll fall on your other leg and have twins (did somebody make that joke yet? Can I claim it?)
Ugh! The horror of the "post-puddle fall WET ASS!" I shiver just thinking about it.
This weather is not pleasant and I am so over winter it's not even funny!
Hope you heal up soon!
Didn't expect to laugh so hard when you fell.
You neglected to say if Newf giggled in the car but came to help you, OR yelled "Come on and get your butt up, I'm late for work. Stop crying like a girl...wait, were having a girl..." All while flipping through the radio staying warm and dry in the car.
It's early. I just woke. Sorry :)
Apology accepted.
Yesterday my hand stuck to the school door it was so cold. No sympathy from me. (I notice it's the Canadian bloggers who give you no sympathy in these posts...) however, I will say you draw the prettiest stick people ever. (New 20sb category for next year? I THINK YES.)
Wow, three references to kids' movies in one short post about weather. I'm impressed!
Congrats.
I'll send you a card...
you should definitely name the shin-baby.
dude. as if falling on ice isn't bad enough, falling on ice INTO an icy puddle, with teenagers watching... man. that's rough. sorry :-P
Ohhh!!!!! The last time I fell on the ice, I ended up with a rod and blots shoved into my twisted bone and in a wheelchair.
And I think you should finish saying the MF word several times, just while looking at it.
1. My apologies. I hate falling.
2. Congratulations! You can call her Tibia!
Oh. my. god. I am laughing so hard it hurts. Like really, really bad.
I would be happy if you named your shin-baby after me...
And i am still freaking laughing... at my desk.
Oh suck it up. I walked to work today and it was 80 degrees! 80! Its not easy my friend to walk to work with sunglasses on and a dress t shirt.
You had me at "shin baby girl."
When you're feeling better, I'll tell you all about how it's in the high 70s here... ;)
Also? Shamu lives here. True story. (Ish.)
Kisses on your poor bruised and swollen shin! xxx
Awwww! Well, now you know which one of your knees is the female one and which one is the male one.
I just giggled out loud at your misfortune. Let's face it, your injury and humiliation is HILARIOUS. But only because you tell the story so well.
Get better soon - I hope it's a girl shin baby too!
Ice is the worst, although it means it is warm enough to not produce snow, which is more than I can say for here. The temp is -6F right now, wind chill of -25!!!!!
Anyway, do you ever just sit in your car until your defroster melts the ice from your windshield? My arms are not strong enough to scrape that shit off!!
TishTash: It seems like it would solve four months of problems, wouldn't it?
TheNewBlack: Mine wasn't as funny so much as tragic. Otherwise, I'd submit it.
DMB: Maybe on Ebay?
Arjewtino: Now....is that a threat of physical violence? I can't tell.
Rachel: That was traumatizing haha
Dwight: Nice one!!!
Nory: Ugh....isn't it awful?
Andy: I think someone got there already but I'll take it twice!
MsDarkstar: I crumpled to the side so I was pretty much everywhere BUT my ass.
Rambler: He had no idea until he looked to see me lying on the ground. It really wasn't a giggling moment. He knows better haha
Surviving: Good.
Brandy: Canadians are a damn tough crowd in the winter, aren't they?
Lily: Skill, my friend. Skill.
Matt: Really??
Alice: The only way it could've been worse is if it had been on a first date and I was on my period. So says Cosmo.
Kate: Oh god! That's what I've been worried about!
Heather: Falling sucks. Well, when it's you at least.
Carmen: I hurt more. Trust me.
RS27: You asshole. I hope your sunglasses fall off and your retinas hurt.
Lauren: Hahaha
JenBun: May. Not until May.
Andy: You know, I've been wondering about that for a long damn time.
Kez: Oh yes...laugh at my woe and pain. Go ahead...LAUGH.
Felicia: If it's cold enough, I will sit there and wait it out for like 20 minutes rather than taking the five to scrape. I see no shame in this.
Roflmao, wow. Poor you!
I love how you worded/described/whateverd that. It was really good!
*laughs some more*
There is a high of 8F on Friday. 8. Things in Cleveland are so bad we have to be jealous of CANADIANS!
Burn.
I second RS27 comment.
But I am sorry about your fall my friend. On the bright side at least Canada has a great health care system.
Bleutrumpet: Thanks!
Narm: 8F? Bitch please...I have no sympathy for you yet.
LBluca: True. My baby will be well taken care of.
Holy popsicle, Ben man! I could never live where you do... Our lowest temp this season will be 7 degrees Farenheit on Friday... Winter sucks major ass!
You had me snorting with the story... in a good way!
are you sure you banged your shin not your HEAD? ;)
Liz: Just stupid and drunk people live here, myself included.
Ashley: No. No I am not sure.
Owie Kazowie!
#1 i had no idea what to expect when i read the title of this post.
#2 please name your shin baby after me.
xoxo.
Mermanda: Tear.
Tia: 1) I like to keep you guessing. 2) What do I get in return?
The little squirrel dude is named Scrat. True story. Yeah, that's all I got. Hope the shin's doing better!
Scrat is actually hilarious although his name reminds me too much of Scat.
Owie! Newf should be the one getting gas or at least pampering you now that you've risked life and limb. Save this one to pull out later, I'm betting you get something good out of it.
Oh believe you me, I know how to milk things :)
Shin-baby name suggestions:
Girl: Shina (pronounced Sheena)
Boy: Shin-Sook Park (What? He could be half Korean.)
Hahaha Shina is very good!
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