As part of my responsibilities in the dream job, I have to plaster my face across the company website with a short bio. This, I don't have a problem with. I can write a bio easily enough and, with the help of a professional photographer, surely to God I can pull off one smile that isn't a) creepy, b) drunk, c) shallow end of the gene pool.
The problem is that I have to chose a single prop that represents who I am.
One prop that screams 'ME'.
Guuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh....kay?
Now, understand that I don't have one all-encompassing interest that is so pervasive that it can be captured in a single object. My attention span does not allow for epic obsessions. I don't play sports, I don't have a green thumb, I don't play a musical instrument anymore. So I'm left with few choices.
1) A steaming turd of dachshund feces.
2) A half-eaten block of cheese and a bloated belly.
3) A broken martini glass and a tipped-over shaker.
4) The crumpled up tissue in my pocket.
5) The newf.
This is not going to go well.
Monday, September 8, 2008
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47 comments:
The start of this post reminded me a bit of that Heritage Moment where they're choosing a new Canadian flag.
I suggest something people will remember, like a samurai sword or the arc of the covenant.
How about a sign that says "I Am Awesome." That would be a pretty cool prop. Maybe they'd let you actually bring in your dog. Or how about a bunch of shot glasses! that would be classy.
What about the "thumb" from the Pokemon video? I mean that counts for something, right?!
What about a stuffed dachshund. It'll smell a lot better than feces, anyhow.
What about Theo crammed into an oversized martini glass which is held by newf who is munchin' on some cheese.
yeah, that'd be cool....
Okay, bear with me for a second...
Given that the idea I have of you in my head is that you secretly want to take over the world to use in some sort of evil plot involving Daschunds and Newfoundlanders, I think your picture should look something like those Calvin and Hobbes strips where Calvin builds a city and then as a T-Rex/Godzilla/Random Monster of the Day absolutely obliterates it to the horror of his mother/teacher/Suzie Perkins.
So yeah...you with a maniacal grin stomping on a scale model of Halifax or Toronto or whatever. That would be cool.
Is a keyboard too obvious?
Aine: See, and I stupidly picked up the holy grail instead of the arc. I KNEW I should've gone with the arc!
Maxie: I'll just print out a picture of your face and hold it over my own.
Nilsa: Hahaha excellent call.
-a: I think I'm bringing in the real deal, god help us all.
WordPerv: Whoa. I'll work on it.
Wegrit: Hahaha that sounds like something I need to create no matter what!
Dutchess: Good plan in case all else blows up in my face the way it often does!
How about a doggie sitting on a laptop? Since you love all things dog and all things blog?
Well, I half-retract that. You don't love ALL things dog, because seriously, who loves dog poop? But you get the idea.
How about a picture of my face with a heart around it?
That describes you pretty well.
goddammit. I just seen your comment back to Maxie.
I was here first though in the whole scheme of things. Remember, I have dibs.
(bitches)
I would show up in a circa-1920s baseball uniform and make them take it like you're going to be on the front of a Wheaties box.
But that's just me.
I think we need for you to post a few test shots please. We will help you select the best one.
I particularly like the puppy poop idea.
You should use a picture of a blog (whatever that is). Like your background on here on a PC. Although that might draw employers' attentions to your blog and this is never a good thing. Bugga. You're screwed. Daschund it is!
I think you should use something really off the wall that will have people saying "Oh....I didn't know that...." like a sombrero ("I'm half Mexican!") or Scientology book ("I'm half crazy!")
Only one?! That's just not fair. Yeah sorry I have no ideas.
I think you should be sipping a martini, smoking a cigar (you must be wearing a smoking jacket as well) and have Theo (in a monogrammed cape) standing on your lap.
So you're going with the dog at this point? Good call. It was either that, or your harem of bloggeresses(?)... Or whatever we are.
Your weiner.
Interpret that as you will.
I vote for the feces spread like a pate on crackers, with cheese on the side. You'll definitely stand out, and I bet you won't be overwhelmed with too many dinner invites--killing two birds with one stone.
Personally, I think you should use a typewriter. You love to write although you use a computer. I think a typewriter gets across the idea of the writer so much better.
JB: I might try to get Theo to look adorable with a mouse or something. I give myself five minutes before snapping.
Jamie: Hahahaha you won't believe the number of people who are actually concerned when I post about other girl bloggers as if I'm doing you a disservice. Which I clearly am. (bitches).
Kyla: I don't know if that would work for me but it'd be an AWESOME shot!
Kristen: I will do a full series for you. Nude. Ish. Notatall.
JL: I should just get a fake tattoo that says blogger on my bicep.
Rachel: hahaha or both! Because mexican plus crazy = me!
Marie: Me neither...
Alice: If I could get Theo dressed like that and a monocle in my eye, I would be a happy homo.
verybadcat: Probably going with canine crew. I'll regret it by 11am.
SpottedOttoman: That was such a gross comment but I so brought it upon myself hahaha.
Anonymous: But how to find one...
ahahahaahha ...why not a little doggie figurine?
A laptop or a pen and paper to show the writer in you, of course! :)
(Now get rid of him before the newf gets home.)
(Sorry, just my bad attempt at humour.)
I used to be in advertising and that's exactly the kind of annoying crap they would make us do.
"Take this blade of grass and turn it into something no one has ever seen before."
Ugh...Good luck with that. I would personally go with typewriter...craig's list.
I'm not sure if someone said this yet, but bring in the dachshunds! Both of them! Live props!
Or, um, maybe a pad and paper? You're a writer!
No, go with the puppies.
Go with the cheese!!
everyone likes cheese, trust me!
Your prop should be a roller coaster that isn't ordinary.
Done & Your welcome!
The only suggestions I can come up with are inappropriate. And while normally I'd say go with one of those, since it's work related and bosses tend to frown upon crap like that, I'll skip it.
But if it wasn't...oh man, I'd have suggestions galore.
I don't understand what the problem is with number 3.
Yeah, I'm going to have to go with Theo's ass for this one. Then, have someone photoshop in the words "pokemon attack!" over it. Yes. That will do nicely.
Are we voting? 'Cause I wanna vote.
Martini glass.
It says "fun and outgoing" yet "slightly irresponsible" (which can also mean fun) at the same time.
So, is the deal that you can't have two props in the picture? Like, would the broken martini glass and tipped-over shaker be illegal because it is two props and not just one?
I say you beat up a Moleskine and fill two pages with frantic, illegible scribbles. The moleskine open to those pages, that's your prop.
If you can have more than one item in the frame, how about a martini glass filled with black ink with a fountain pen dripping ink laying beside it?
But I like the steaming turd, too.
oh gosh that sucks...i would go with a keyboard with a little dachshund figurine or plushie to the side. or maybe a dachshund typing on a computer?! gosh i'm so clever.
i love doing work things like this. i'm still trying to forget the mortifying video i'm in on my company's website...no, i do not work for a porn company.
Maegan Cause my coworkers will be mad if I don't bring the real thing in. And that might make them think that I'm into collecting, which I am very much not.
Paula: Bahahaha I love cheap and dirty humour.
Dolce: I only have like 12 hours!!
Lauren: That may be the plan. Both puppies and paper.
Matt: And anyone who doesn't is no friend of mine!
Mental360: Damnit! Why didn't I think of that!
Stealthnerd: Dish. I want to hear them anyway. If you tellllll me I might send you piiiiiiictures....No? Okay.
Megkathleen: The goal is to BE a martini face but not be KNOWN as a martini face.
Lindz: Hahahaha I should be getting face bumped while my picture is being taken!
Amindinmotown: I like your reasoning behind that...
Stoogepie: I dunno how strict they are...only time will tell...
DMB: If you do...you can totally tell me...
Mmmm... *thinking hard*
What about going, you know, 'bare' (read here : nekkid).
Can you pose with your computer? Did someone already say that? I'm too tired to read all the comments today.
Or the feces could work too.
haha, you seriously crack me up. i would have so much trouble with that too. but i like maxie's idea best :)
How about a rollercoaster crafted out of poutine? Or... crafted out of the dachshund feces...Either would certainly make a statement..
Hahahaha ... a prop?!?! Seriously!?!
I say you bring something that has to do with the blog. Like holding a photo of you slaving away at your computer, tapping out a post.
Wow. A prop? Why not the broken martini glass and shaker? Or Maxie's idea. Either would be good in my opinion...
Also, I feel bad the photographer has to deal with those props. Ugh.
I reckon go with a cute pooch friend.
Perhaps even a pokemon attack pose.
hahaha.
good luck. let us know what you chose.
Andy: That would certainly be my best bet for full disclosure...
Erin: Laptop is a good fall back. I brought a bunch of options today so we'll see what we end up using.
Katelin: So I should just show up drunk, right?
Adminderella: Whoa. That would take some SERIOUS prep time.
EssentiallyMe; Okay...when you say prop is sounds like I'm doing something dirty. Which I'm not. Well, I might.
EP: Hahaha as a photographer, you hate me already don't you?
Kez: I will!
That IS really tough. I know that I wouldn't be able to find one prop that represented me. Good luck with thinking of one!
The first post I ever read on this blog involved cheese. The first comment you left me mentioned cheese.
The Cheeseness!
Angela: I know, right? ONE thing. Too hard.
Heather: I'm not even going to pretend that I care about anything besides cheese.
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