As always, a member of the Spears family got me seriously thinking about my life.There she is at age 17 with a brand new baby. When asked what it was like to see her baby daddy hold the kid, she said: "It was the coolest thing ever". Well put.
You know what that makes me think? I could be a pretty rockin' dad. Mainly because I wouldn't say things like "my kid is sick", but in saying that actually mean that my kid is super neato rather than ill (which apparently can also mean super neato). Plus I've already been trusted with the care of hundreds of kids over the five years that I was a camp counselor and none of them died or broke bones or discovered that Santa wasn't real.
The worst thing that happened was when I repeatedly thought that a girl was a boy. Her name was Sam and she had a short haircut. How was I to know? Okay...after the first time that I asked whether she and her sister were "brother and sister" and she said no maybe I should have eased off. But ohhhhhh no....
"Perhaps you didn't hear me, you two with the same last name that were dropped off by the same Mom. ARE YOU BROTHER AND SISTER? Does anybody know if they're brother and sister? Is that her BROTHER or not?? That boy...right there...why isn't he answering me? SAM!!"
I wanted to die afterwards. Although probably not as much as poor Sam.
Seriously, lots of people who are a lot crazier than I have managed to keep babies alive and only one of them has turned into Charles Manson. The odds are good for me right? And really, aren't kids just like puppies that talk, cost more and can't be caged (unless no one finds out)?
Besides, all the mommy blogggers sound like they're having a good time. Crissy still gets to curse, yell at people, and reign proudly over the world. Rachel still gets to blog about sex and I bet you her kid is old enough to carry her stuff. And don't try to tell me that Leta Armstrong is not the coolest. You never run out of solid gold posts when you have a kid!
My parents managed to keep two children alive even without all the online forums, help books, seminars and fetal alcohol syndrome awareness (bahaha kidding...sorry parents er...sorry to myself actually...damn). Actually, after the trial run (sorry older brother), I turned out AWESOME (please note adorable picture of baby Ben above. That's a White Russian in my glass if you were wondering).
But then again, there are times that Calvin is snuggled up next to me while I'm working and have one of my many genius breakthroughs, flailing my arms wildly in celebration. This often results in him getting elbowed in the face...or thrown off the couch...or embarrassed to be seen with me. At least two of these things probably shouldn't happen to babies.
To be honest, despite the content of this post, I have no interest in having children yet. I'm not mature, selfless or willing to put up with crying yet. I mainly wrote this to scare the crap out of my Mom who would really prefer not having to deal with babies again. But isn't it weird to think that many of our parents were up to their elbows in poop at our age?
Love you mommy and daddy. Hope you are both satisfied with my puppy child for now.
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45 comments:
Haha are you absolutely certain after all that, that you don't want to be a Daddy! Sounds cute! And clearly not hard work in any way... not that I'm broody...!
dude. it is REALLY weird thinking about the parental units like that. My mom was 24 when she had me.. SO, when I turned 25, in her shoes, I would've already had a kid for about a year
AND WOAH!
Hold the press
say WHAT?!?!
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I'm 27, and at that age my parents already had me, my older brother and sister! Three children ages 3 and under...I can't even imagine having 1 right now!
My daughter loves her cage, I mean "playhouse."
I don't care what those"experts" and "police" say.
She thinks it's great.
Oh, and thanks for the link!
Hahaha. I was a camp counselor, too, and I sometimes think that if I survived there, I could probably make it as a parent whenever I want to have kids. The thing that I don't want? A litter. (Each cabin had 8 kids.) And knowing my luck, it'll happen because it was what I always feared as a counselor.
Also, did you ever have to play tooth fairy? I did a few times one summer, and it was intense! And kids now, they expect like $5 instead of a quarter. What's up with that?
Wait, Santa isn't real?? Heeeh. I'm cracking up over here, perfect way to start off my morning, thanks!!
LCT: Yeah, I hear kids generally make your life easier and add to your income. No work whatsoever!
Deutlich: We're all going to be so freaking old by the time our kids graduate college..
Paul: SERIOUSLY. How did our parents convince themselves that this was the route to take with their lives? HOW DRUNK WERE THEY?
Kristen: Ah...so you can upmarket cages to playhouses...INGENIOUS.
EP: See? There you go. Eight kids. However many teeth lost. $5 a pop? Are you kidding? If they're lucky, I'll let them eat the next day.
LylaLou: No no, he is. He's just a convicted felon in real life. You should probably get a security system.
This entire post made me laugh out loud. Which is too bad, because I'm in the public library. Actually, no, maybe that's good, I fit right in with the guy talking to himself and the woman wearing a garbage bag on her head.
In other news, I also think I'll make a great parent. I don't plan on producing them (ewwww... plus who wants to be sober for 9 months?!?) but I'm all kinds of excited to raise them. I think people are always shocked to see me with young children (a la job in Uniacke) because I'm actually good with them and can always manage to stifle the expletives before they come out.
"Wait, isn't this the same girl who drinks paint thinner and chain-smokes on her porch wearing a kimono?"
Only while I'm still childless, babe, only while I'm still childless.
Poor Sam! I was a kid with short hair in the 6th grade and had a teacher that always called me a boy. It hurt, man, it really hurt. :)
Actual statement from my mom;
"When I was pregnant we didn't have to worry about drinking, smoking or even buckling our babies up in the car. You want to know what you carseat was? Your bouncer turned sideways!"
"......how the hell did I survive?...."
True story
Thanks for the link love!!!
I USED to want to have kids, until I started working Saturday mornings at the grocery store. After seeing more awful children than good, I realize that I don't want to take the chance I'm also not interested in being elbow-deep in poop and throw-up and spit for a bunch of years. I'd be throwing up all over the place. That, and I like sleep too much to forgo three years of it. I don't know how my mom did it, but I thank her for it. As long as she's cool with the fact that she has to rely on my sister for grandbabies.
Yep, I'm a momma wanna be. But no dice as of yet. I worked with teenagers for 10 years. I think I qualify.
Aine: Agreed. Kids are fun but people can't picture me taking care of them. Maybe that because I write posts about how horrible it is that they come to my door and how I'll chase them away with heroine needles. Just a hunch.
Amy: I'm going to apologize to you instead of Sam by proxy. That doesn't make sense really but I like saying "by proxy".
Rachel: Hahahaha I could post some doozies from my parents but they would actually lock me in a basement for good this time. I mean, they let me out once I hit puberty.
JB: The less you're around kids for fun, the less you want anything to do with them. Working ANYWHERE in the service industry these days is a one-way ticket to child-hating.
Kate: Oooooooh. You've already mastered the dreaded teenager. You're going to parent your face off!
I'm 29. By this age my mom had had me (#3 of 4). NO FUCKING WAY. I'm not sure I want kids ever, but right now?!
Nada.
Nope.
No way jose.
Just can't fathom it. I mean, how am I going to take salsa lessons if I were preggers?! And all that running and drinking and yoga I do? Gone, gone, gone. *sigh*
Oh no, I'm not ready for babies. Ask me in 5 years. If I put down my wine glass long enough to think about it, we'll already know the answer...
i wanna be a mommy blogger!!
when will one of my one night stands finally get me pregnant??
alexa- best comment ever
you should totally get knocked up.
It's most scary to think my brother and I were well out of diapers by the time my parents were my age. And I'm still not sure myself whether I'm ready for kids. Not this year, at least!
Mommy bloggers like Rebecca Eckler(http://www.ninepounddictator.blogspot.com/) only provide insight into why there are such obnoxious, self-indulged brats running around. If you become a mommy blogger you'll have to write about it in the same way that you write about Calvin. From elbowing him in the head to causing a crooked tail (kids don't have tails so at least you're assured of not repeating that mistake). :-D
this made me think of two things:
1. being thrown out a girl's bathroom by a waitress who thought I was a boy
2. my students who, upon finding out that not only can gay people get MARRIED in Canada, but that I KNOW SOME, asked me "but teacher, how do gay people have babies?!"
I've thought a boy was a girl before when I was working at an ice cream shop. The dad got all huffy: "Hasn't anyone ever seen a BOY with long hair around here!?" (It was Hawaii, why, yes we had. But when your son has red cheeks and man boobs, it gets a little tough to tell, OKAY!?)
My parents had 3 kids by the time they were 25. THREE. Holy crap, can you imagine!?
No way, Jose.
bwahahah! as a mommy who tries not to mommy-blog too often - I just want to say that was great!!
I'll never forget the episode of some mommy having a baby and we're going to tape it and let you watch show where a woman talked about getting dogs and how they thought this puppy (maybe there was two ...) was preparing them for parenting.
Then, there was a follow up show in which she admitted every time she re-watched her episode of the show she wanted to scream at her self "Don't say it"
Yeah, they don't compare.
... unless, you can manage of cage them without anybody knowing.
Wait a second... There's no such thing as Santa? Damn internet, so full of spoilers!
Also, I think that kids with unisex names should be required to wear visible signs of their gender. It's totally not your fault.
WordPerv: But think of the glorious maternity leave! It can't be entirely ruined by the unfortunate presence of a baby!
Alexa: Whoa. Ten points for honesty.
Rachel: The comments on my blog are hilarious. More people should realize that.
Ang: Pregnancy is creepy. I'd get a kid that was already broken in. You know, house-trained, able to mix drinks, cook its own food, etc.
Nilsa: Props to our parents. I can't even imagine having to deal with a kid at the end of my day. Not to mention the beginning and the middle...
Alias: Agreed. Including learning how to get up and down stairs completely on his own. That's how my kids will learn!
Hookerbaby: Well, when a boy loves another boy very much, they pray to Cher for a little designer baby of their very own...
Ashley: Your parents must have been drunk AND stoned to pop out that many before realizing it wasn't a very good idea. No offense, I'm sure you're lovely NOW...but then? Let's face it, you pooped yourself just like the rest of us.
Donna: hahaha that's so the danger of being on reality tv. Having to eat your words with a big side serving of diapers.
Noelle: Hahaha gender signs! Embarrassing AND genius! "Hey kid, you're going to need this sign."
My mom wants a grandchild. I don't have time for these things, there are video games to be played.
Kids take away from your time spent drinking and reading blogs, so you're making a wise decision to avoid them.
wait a second, just wait a second! There is no proof to that statement, surviving myself!
*hic*
leta armstrong may be the coolest, but poor girl! don't you think she'll grow up to possibly resent her mother's regular posting of pictures and stories??
Why do parents have to let girls with boy names have short haircuts? That poor kid! I laughed a lot imagining you yelling at the boy that was a girl.
And the celebration of a great idea resulting in Calvin getting 'bowed in the face or flung off the couch, was pretty funny too. At least kids don't snuggle right up on you like pets do. Plus they have little baby seats they can hang out in.
Happy weekend!
rs27: Way to stick to your priorities. Offer to give birth on the wii.
Surviving: Too true my friend. I'm of the belief that unless the alcohol intake rises WITH the sudden influx of child presence, only bad things will happen.
Rachel: There you go! Prove them haters wrong!
TheAlmostRightWord: You know what? I don't think I really know where I stand on that. I guess they're not keeping it a secret from her so it's not going to be this huge earth-shattering discovery in her teens. I'm assuming she'll grow up understanding the idea that her mom is making money by telling the family's story. At some point, I'm sure she'll ask Heather to back off and she will. Does that make sense? What do you think?
lifeintheleftlane: I beat my dog and make fun of children for your reading pleasure :) Have a good one!
I've heard being pregnant is kinda bad for the whole partying scene. Shame, really.
When my mom was 28 my parents had 4 (FOUR) pooping, screaming, bratty children under the age of 6.
Her Valium prescribtion is just expiring now.
Hello-
I've seen you on about every blog I visit, so I finally stopped by.
I hear ya about the kids thing- but not because I am so self centered now but because there is still alot I would like to do.
I don't think anyone's commented on how cute the baby pic is. I thought I'd give you an ego boost for the weekend. And the white russian is precious!
I'm working in a daycare right now, and left me say that I absolutely adore those kids, but I also love being able to hand them back to their parents at the end of the day! Especially after I've hyped them up on sugar five mintues before they go home... hehe
PS - Heard you (literally) ran into my other half today. He may have phoned me at work to tell me all about it... Apparently these kinds of things can't wait until I get home...
Yeah... I definitely re-think this whole 'not having a child right now thing' whenever I read a letter to Leta from Dooce. I mean, having children is like, a blogging goldmine in your life. But, then I remember that having a child means more than just writing about them. You actually have to.. you know, DO stuff with them, and CARE about them, and CLEAN UP after them. And then I remember that I can't handle that much responsibility right now.
But one day we we all be mom and pop bloggers and we will rule the blogosphere. Mark it down. It will happen.
at my age, my mom had a five year old me.
sometimes i think i'd be good at that. sometimes i think that my fascination with pop culture and my need for yummy lipgloss and the impossibility of wearing real shoes in summer to my real job means that...maybe not so much. at least not the five year old kind.
I always get nervous when your dad calls me at work to say I REALLY should read Ben's blog before coming home. I start to sweat and shiver and then think hey! Maybe a gin and tonic would go down well about now - but I should wait till at least 9:00 a.m.!!! Oh well, we're quite satisfied with the puppy child even though your dad is not one of his favorite humans. Love, your Mom
I MUST meet your mom!!!!
Alice: Again, only bad for the partying scene until you mold the child into a drinking-mixing, bouncer-distracting fiend!
Matt: Isn't that in a way self-centered? I don't mean it in a bad way...I think people like us are wise to follow our own goals before trying to provide for a child. No?
Paul: It's about freaking time someone called me a cute kid, damnit!
Carolyne: It was a very appropriate run-in for us :) Calling you two soon to drag you over to the house for BBQ and beer.
Brandy: We'll be the geriatric bloggers by then. The 20SBs will laugh at us and I'll call them whippersnippers and say in OUR day, we blogged from computers and phones rather than whatever-that-crazy-ipod-thing-you-have-is.
Drbolte: Bahaha I'm so glad you're honest enough to admit that you choose yummy lip gloss over children. I would too.
Mom: I can only imagine the fright. I'm sorry for dragging you into my online world yet again. Truly. (not really).
Rachel: She's a super catch. You wouldn't even believe how awesome my folks are.
Hahaha, Baby Ben with a white Russian. Nice to know I am not the only one feeling the parental pressure.
Adorable picture! And I am sure that raising a puppy is nearly as difficult as raising an ambiguously monikered (although adorable) infant...right?
Tipp: Hm. Actually, I'm feeling no pressure. People don't expect couples like us to get kids for no reason in particularly. That's not saying that we won't someday but there's no way we come even close to the pressure that lovely married couples like you do. For the record, you'd be a lovely mother :)
Elizabeth: That's what I thought...but then I also thought raising a puppy would be easy. I was in tears by day two.
Yeah, my honey and I probably won't raise any kids. But one of my best friends in LA just had her baby, and one of our friends here in Albuquerque just had hers, so we're very proud gay uncles. :)
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