[Entire idea stolen from Inspiration drawn from the always adorable and functional Things To Do For Two, a local blog run by a cutesy married couple who constantly put all of our relationships to shame with their 'special moments', and their 'love', and their 'enjoying spending time with each other'. Blah blah blah. I get it. You two are the valedictorians of relationships. Whatever.]
1. Soberly put up and decorate our Christmas Tree: I’m not making any promises but I intend to make sure this year’s version is far less dry-heavey and “ohmygod I’m gonna hurl”y as last year when Gin was not my friend. It was beautiful once I was able to look at the lights without the hangover squints.
2. Assemble a Gingerbread Haus of Gaga: I decided to put an exciting twist on the gingerbread assembly this year. Without notifying the newf in advance, I will attempt to sneak latex fashion whores into our holiday cookie neighbourhood. I might also perform Gaga’s christmas track.
3. Go for a Christmas lights drive: I’m caught between driving lest his ADHD tendencies send our Civic hurtling into an oversized Candy Cane on the neighbour’s lawn, and getting completely slammed on Peppermint Schnapps and Bailey’s and playing belligerent passenger. Time will tell. (I totally already know which it’s going to be.)
4. Have a Christmas Movie Night: Cry happy tears with Love Actually? Laugh, swear and drink with National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation? Watch out for the icy patch with The Muppet’s Family Christmas? SO MANY OPTIONS.
5. Eat Holiday Treats: This should have been BAKE holiday treats for a nice, festive date, but given that my first Cookie Swap experience sent me home with 15 varieties of baked goods, I already feel like unnecessary calories are going to rape me in my sleep. Thus, the newf will eat treats while I drink water, take laxatives and run on the spot. Romantic.
6. Farmers Market & Lattés: The only thing getting me up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday to stand in a crowded place is the promise of a gooey cinnamon bun the size of my face and a quiet coffee shop with a fireplace. You’re welcome for skipping the obvious ‘morning wood’ joke.
7. Snow Walk: When we were kids, my parents would insist we go for a family walk in the middle of snowstorms. Given that it’s been a solid two decades since my last frostbite, the idealistic image of my puppies prancing through fluffy snow has seeped past every instinct telling me that, in reality, they will no doubt insist to be carried. Inside our coats. While sipping hot chocolate.
8. Jazz, Brunch, Fireplace, Scrabble: Since Calvin, Theo and I rarely leave the warm generosity of our fireplace anymore, the newf has cautiously agreed to join us there for an at-home brunch date. Three of us will huddle underneath a duvet, inches from the open flames, demanding that someone bring us the Hollandaise while the newf sweats and hums Miley Cyrus over Miles Davis.
9. Hang with the Mormons: I have no doubt they’ll show up around Christmas morning, in the middle of my shower, or during sexy-time and totally make me the fourth wheel. Um. Like a third wheel. Except there’s two of them. And two of us. So…I’d be the fourth. But much more left out.
10. Date Other People: God knows that if we get through the first nine, we’re going to have to spend time with people that we actually like. I’m booked to go to the So You Think You Can Dance Canada tour which is totally as credible as the So You Think You Can Dance tour which is not very credible at all. The newf will probably just repeat #9 or #5.
11. Compare the newf to Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory: Okay. This one isn’t so much a date as it is an intervention. It needs to stop.
12. Starter Night: This one? This one right here? I can’t even wait for. The vision: head downtown and go from restaurant to restaurant ordering one appetizer and drinks. Amazing, right? Fingerfoods and head buzzes are what this holiday is all about. No really. Baby Jesus got shrimp cocktail from the Parumpumpumpum kid or something like that.